Well, I guess I should catch you up first. After all, it's been several months since I've written. And a few years before that. As you may know, I married the man of my dreams (yes, the one I hooked up with during my "Year Without Men" - You're funny, God.), I aquired three new children (yes, that makes six), got my dream job, earned some respect from my friends and my family, got to help and love a LOT of people, and, Lord willing, will be moving into my dream home next week.
I'm exhausted.
I know, I know. I truly am blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve or accomplish myself. God has given me more than I could have ever imagined. And I work very, very hard to keep all these blessings running smoothly.
In all my blessings, I forgot how to be still.
Change is hard. Big life changes are especially stressful. And I've had my share of big life changes. All good ones, to be true, but even the good ones create stress. And with every change, there are all kinds of "to-do"s that capture my attention and hold it hostage. Take this move, for example. I've lived in the same house with my three children for over ten years. We also aquired four new roommates along the way. You can't imagine how much "stuff" we've accumulated. And it all has to be packed and accounted for.
Actually, now that I think about it, it's not that much "stuff". So, why does my heart ache as I move through rooms that are beginning to look emptier and emptier as the stacks of packed boxes grow?
My heart finally broke tonight. As part of this transition, my oldest baby is moving out. I spent the evening helping him take down posters and pack gaming systems in boxes. It's the right thing for him to do - it's time. But it hurts so bad. If you know me well, you know I joke a lot about how awful having six children is. But I just want my baby back.
Change is hard. And I think maybe this is the hardest change yet. If I had written last week, you would have heard me say how excited I am - how amazing the house is, how wonderful to be closer to my friends and family, how much better things will be! And I know I'm exhausted from packing and that I have worn my soul thin - but I'm scared. And my heart hurts. And I want my baby back. And I want to know that everything is going to be okay - that my children will never leave me, that my parents will never die, and that I'm not going to hate my new living room.
I've been through a lot of changes in my life. But this time, I'm scared. And very, very tired. This time, I can tell that the changes are outside of my control.
Perhaps it is time to remember that I'm not the One in control.
Send good vibes my way. Remind me to breathe. In fact, tell me to Be Still. Someone once said that was a good idea.
And please pray I don't hate my new livving room.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
