I'm tired. I'm tired of a lot of things.
I'm tired of other people being afraid. I'm tired of them not having the courage to stand up and do what needs to be done despite the difficulty.
I'm tired of swimming up stream. I'm tired of fighting the battles that have to be fought and feeling like I'm doing it by myself.
I'm tired of people being blinded by their own perspective.
I'm tired of fake, watch-what-you-say relationships.
I'm tired of people who don't reflect, who don't take responsibility for their words and their actions, who don't take time to understand or even think about how their behaviors affect other people.
I'm tired of people who are oblivious or even willfully ignorant of better ways to communicate, to process, and to behave
Yep. I'm not critical very often, but....
And I'm not really feeling critical per se. I'm just so tired of picking up the slack.
I don't have to you know. Saying '"Fuck this," is always an option. And it SHOULD be an option. As humans, we so often take on too much - things that God is not asking us to carry. I wish we were all a bit smarter about this. I wish we knew when to say no. I wish we had the courage to do so. I wish we all took care of ourselves a little bit better so our misery wasn't a burden to those who love us.
I've learned to be much pickier with my battles. I've learned to make a wide berth between myself and dysfunction whenever it is within my control. I've learned to do the same mentally and emotionally when I'm caught temporarily. I've learned that it's okay to love from afar.
But, dammit, if we could all just keep our own side of the street clean, the world would be so much better.
But then again, if we could, we would.
People ARE doing the best they can, given their perspective. Everyone is just meeting their needs in the best way they know how.
And humanity is a ducking mess. (I'll let auto correct keep that one in honor of the sensitive ears.)
I don't believe in self -improvement any more. I believe in rescue.
Let me be utterly honest about my total inability to make myself a better person. Let me grasp and own that truth with all my heart. I am a train wreck. We are all train wrecks. And we have created mess after mess after mess. And we have hurt each other so badly in the process.
What if there IS a super Hero? What if there really is Someone who says, "Yep - y'all are fuck ups. But I got this. I can fix it - all of it. In fact, it's already done."
I don't believe in "SHOULD". I believe in a Redeemer.
Would we all be better people if we just kept out freaking eyes on HIM?
So, yeah, I'm tired. I'm tired of humanity. And after writing all this, I'm a little disgusted by my own.
But I hear a voice whisper, "Hey, I got this. I can fix it. In fact, it's already done."
And I breathe. And I rest, grateful.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
