It's been a good day.
It was a good week.
Things are improving.
I wasn't my strongest on Monday. You see, my past paid a visit last weekend. I was brought back to a time in my life that brought me more suffering than I've ever experienced before. It was an extended period of time of feeling that I couldn't find a place to put my feet down. It lasted for months. And then, as fate would have it, the pandemic began, and all of life became uncertain.
The catalyst for this suffering?
My choices.
I made choices that people didn't approve of. I made choices that hurt some people. I made choices that caused close friends to pull away from me.
And it hurt. It hurt so badly. There were days I couldn't even move, paralyzed with fear and shame.
And while I do wish I could go back and take away the pain I caused others and myself, I also know the path of my life diverged in a way bigger than I realized at the time.
And I can't go back.
For many months, I wrestled with the thoughts that told me I was a bad person. Those accusing thoughts that come, and if you latch on to them, they feel very true.
The last few years have been very dark for all of us.
But I believe in the sun even when it's not shining.
I have struggled my way to a place of self acceptance. I'm still struggling with it. Perhaps I am the villain in someone's story (we all are, you know). But if I am, it's really none of my business.
When I look back at how my story has changed over the last five years, I am happy with where I stand now. I've let go of a lot of old ideas and beliefs. A lot of shitty things happened, and I learned to stop fighting them.
Peace comes from letting go and accepting.
Maybe you're like me. Maybe you're coming out of this pandemic a completely difference person than who you were going in. Maybe during the pandemic you realized that the world is crazy and that the path you were on before leads the wrong way.
To those I hurt - I am sorry for my actions that hurt. I truly am.
But I am not sorry for who I am today. I am not sorry for the progress I've made from self-loathing back to self-acceptance. I'm not sorry for letting go of old beliefs and ideas that only serve to divide and hurt people. I love knowing that the strength to rise from the ashes lies within me. Again and again and again.
The story God is telling is a good story, even when certain details look bad.
And even if you're the villain in someone else's story, or worse, the villain in your own, it's still a good story.
So, I will continue to pursue this goodness - this goodness in myself, in you, and in this great big, crazy story called life.
Brighter days are coming. The details of the story may have changed. But you are a good person. I am a good person. Sometimes when we're doing the best we can with what we've got, we drop the ball and cause others to see us in a different light. But that doesn't change the value of who we are and the importance of the role we play in this great big, good story.
It's a good life. May we live it well.
Love and peace,
Jennifer
