I experienced extensive fear and dread over the last few years. Not only was I afraid for my life and the lives of those I loved, I was also afraid of other people and their power to hurt me. In trying to protect myself, I lost my authenticity.
I'm trying to find it again.
I don't see unicorns and rainbows these days. I hope they come back, but I'm learning to be okay without them. For a long time, I tried to still be a cheerleader even though I was filled with my own fear. I'm sure it came off as shallow and fake. And I hated being fake. But it was all I knew how to do. Because I was supposed to be happy, to be the encourager, to spread joy. Or at least I was supposed to look like it.
But it didn't work well.
As I struggle to get my feet back on the right path, I recognize that I don't want to be a fake cheerleader.
I want to be authentic.
I used to have so much loving energy to spread to others. And that's where I had to start.
I didn't feel good. I felt fear and anxiety. I had to recognize that my fearful feelings were perpetuated by my attachment to the judgmental thoughts that haunted me. So, I learned to recognize the thought when it came. I learned how to release attachment to accusing thoughts, to forgive those thoughts, to accept them and to allow them to dissipate. I found that I had to learn how to trust again. I had to re-learn how to trust God and the Universe, and that there is a Higher Power really working for our good. I accepted that God loved me, so I am love, so I am free to love others. Instead of giving fake sunshine, I have found that I can give what I have, even if it isn't pure light. I am both Light and shadow, and if I allow and accept all of me, I have something good and real to share with others.
Don't get me wrong. I WANT unicorns and rainbows. I want sunshine to touch you every time we meet. And I'm trying to get there again, but for now, real is where it's at.
I am trying to find the courage to be more authentic again. I am working on myself and taking baby steps back to being healthy. If I struggle or come off as awkward, please forgive me. I'm trying my best.
And to those who still love me, thank you.
The road back is long. Thank you for walking it with me.
With love in my heart,
Jennifer
