Goodbye, 2022

 Whew.

As I spend some much-needed time reflecting on the last year, I must acknowledge that it was a difficult one.  I know I and all the world are still recovering from the life-changing pandemic.  Personally, I believe I developed PTSD as a result of all the trauma we endured. But we have made a lot of progress in healing.

I sought out the help I needed, and I did most of what I was led to do.  I began reading A Course in Miracles again, and it has given me hope and sanity once again.  It is a very challenging text to read, and it will make no sense at all until the Universe decides you're ready.  I am very grateful for the words that guide me to the truth.  I wish it was all crystal clear instructions with a fail-safe plan.  But our experience here on earth seems to be more complicated than that.  Seems to be, anyway.  The Course teaches that this is all illusion anyway and that realizing our Oneness with Christ is our only true function.  I wish, in the busyness of the days, that I could remember how simple it is.  I'm still working on it.

I began 2022 feeling suffering, fear, guilt, and trauma.  It was not okay with me to feel that way, so I did something about it.  By springtime, I had found The Tapping Solution to deal with my negative emotions.  I had also begun ACIM in earnest.  By May, I knew I had found some healing.  In June, I found You, Happier which helped me to make changes in my life that gave me the healthiest brain possible to experience happiness.  I experienced a setback when I returned to work after the summer break, but I kept trying to become healthier and happier.  I remember clearly the time I experienced three good days in a row.  A miracle, I thought!  In August, I found Virtual EMDR to treat my PTSD.  I began to feel better and better.  By September, I had found the ability to be authentic again, though it was still a struggle.  In November, through 8 to Great, I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made that seemed to overshadow the good.  I let it go.  And I felt better.  December brought a time of reflection, and I know I am in much better shape than when I started this year.

There will be seasons when you get the living shit knocked out of you.  Sometimes these seasons last for years.  But healing is possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for every little bit of healing I have experienced.  I am grateful that God gave me a heart that WANTS healing bad enough to do the work.

I (understandably) don't feel as strong as I once did.  But I think that as I work to trust my Higher Power, and as I feel His support, my sense of strength may return.  It's His strength we rely on anyway.

A lot of my future is yet unknown.  This next year may bring a new home and a career change, but all of that is still to be revealed.  I am excited about the possible changes, and I want to be the strongest, healthiest, and happiest that I can be so I can meet these new challenges with confidence and resolve.

2022 was tough.  Not as tough as 2020, but the lingering effects are still with us.  I pray that as we move into 2023, the path to peace and happiness is smoother.  I pray for Grace for all of us who are still picking up broken pieces of the past.  I pray for Comfort and Healing, and most of all, I pray for Love.

May we walk this road together.

Love and Peace,

Jennifer

I see it!

Today was a good day.  A really good day.  Gratitude fills my heart, and I am so grateful for a reprieve from the shadow of dread that's been hanging around since 2020.  Maybe I've turned a corner.

Ain't gonna lie.  You all know how rough it's been.  Every day, I would try to feel positive and rainbow-y, but it was so, so hard.

When I was discussing the lack of rainbows and unicorns with a friend, she told me we don't need rainbows and unicorns right now.  We need real.  She's right.

I'm still striving to be more and more authentic.  That, in my opinion, is one of the tragedies of the mess that was the last few years.  Even with all the fear, sickness, and death, I tried to put on a happy face.  I can't tell you for sure if that was a mistake or not, because we needed all the positivity we could get.  But it took its toll.  No amount of positivity could counteract all the stress and fear we've experienced.  I misplaced authenticity in the midst of it all.  I'm trying to find my way back.

When people are hurting, they don't want unicorns.  They want someone to understand.   They want someone to sit with them and share the burden.  They want to know they're not alone.

So, where are we at?  Are we still hurting?  Are we back to good yet?

For me, I've been taking it one day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  

I am so grateful for those who I am blessed to call friends who are supporting me every day.  Your love and your concern mean the world to me.  Thank you.

If you're limping like I am, take heart.  You are not limping alone.  The good news is we're moving.  I'm rereading Pollyanna.  In it, she searches for the good amidst devastating circumstances.  She calls it the "Glad Game".  I've been playing that game a lot lately.  That's good news.  Finally, I can see the good again.  I am grateful for the healing. 

May we all heal.

Love, Jennifer

EDIT: This post was originally written on 11/28/22.  Now, two weeks later....well, you'll just have to wait for the next post.

Much Love.