Mistakes

 It was a good week.  I feel confident that things are getting brighter.  I am very, very grateful.

It was a busy week for sure.  I am doing my internship, and I absolutely enjoy each day.  I am being exposed to all kinds of new and interesting scenarios.  This week, I had an opportunity to support my boss through a project and a chance to manage a certain situation.  I attacked both head on.  By Wednesday, I was feeling proud of myself for a job well done.

Then Thursday came.  On Thursday, I learned that the project I thought I had done so well was incomplete.  It was incomplete because I had not followed directions thoroughly.  And that situation I'd managed?  I realized I had failed to follow the plan and ended up causing someone distress.  By Thursday, I was not feeling quite so proud.

That evening was rough.  I had to be vigilant with my thoughts - the ego was trying to pull me down by judging me as a failure for letting people down .  I absolutely hate letting people down.  And yet, I had.  I worked on forgiving myself for my mistakes.  I know I'm my own harshest critic.  I tried to detach from accusing thoughts.   It was an evening of soothing self-talk to try to counteract the threat of my own condemnation.  Some moments, it worked.  Others, I kept trying.

Most times, it's very important to make things right.  I'm not always strong enough to do it immediately, but this time I did.  Well, at least within twenty-four hours.  I sent a heartfelt apology for my missteps.  I acknowledged what I had done, and made clear what I would do differently next time.  I stopped, read directions more carefully, and I fixed the project, even though it meant working late.

Mistakes happen.  Taking ownership matters.

I will admit, there are mistakes in my life that are still not resolved.  These I have come to peace with.  I have wrestled with them long enough to realize that the forgiveness I really need is my own.

If I could just manage to remember that mistakes, at least the kinds I made this week, mean I'm learning something new, I might be less critical of myself.  I very clearly learned two ways of doing things that I will not be repeating. And this was just the beginning.  The next several weeks will hold many opportunities to make mistakes and learn new things.  What is that statistic?  Successful people make how many times more mistakes than others do?  (Google wouldn't give me the exact numbers.)  The value of mistakes lies in the learning you take away.  That requires reflection.  That requires a willingness to change behavior.  It requires humility.  And it requires Grace.

I still don't like that I let them down.  But they forgave me.  I'm forgiving me.  Someone said, "We live, we learn, we communicate, and we keep pushing."  May we give each other such grace,

Remember,

"Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark."  

– Rachel Hollis 

Love,

Jennifer

PS - I was Googling that stat, and I found this.  Comforting and inspiring read!

https://www.lifehack.org/614300/high-achievers-are-the-ones-who-make-the-most-mistakes

Grace

Today didn't go as well as I'd hoped.  Today, I underperformed.  I could have done better.  That's the truth.

But then again, isn't it true that no matter how well we do, we could always do better?  No matter how well I performed, there would always be something I could have done to do it better.  

I know that I did  the best I could in the moment. Anxiety hit me hard today.  It invaded my thoughts and made coherent thinking difficult.  PTSD is real.

But there were also moments where my authentic voice came through.

When I think back to where I was two years ago, I remember not having a voice, almost incapable of true authenticity.  I've made a lot of progress.

Of course, my ego wants to dwell on the negatives.  I could very easily magnify them to terrifying proportions.  I've noticed I tend to catastrophize.  But today I know I can choose.  I can choose to go down the path that leads to fear, or I can give myself grace.

Tonight, I give myself grace. 

Many times, that's easier said than done.  Why is it that I can so easily extend bountiful grace to everyone but myself?  

I'm learning.  I'm learning to forgive accusing thoughts.  I'm learning that in the Universe's big, beautiful plan, there will be times when my imperfections shine through.  I believe it is for good reason.  I believe the Universe is working for the ultimate good, and sometimes failing at something closes just the right doors.

Tonight, I choose to trust the Universe.  I choose to trust God's love and perfect plan.  I am grateful for how far I've come and what I accomplished by taking the risk.  I'm proud of myself for trying.

May you find peace on the rough days.

Love,

Jennifer