Something curious happened to me in the process of developing this new (and past) relationship in my life. For the first time, I felt loved. Really loved, There was finally a person who, though he didn't say "I love you", was loving me in action. He was listening to me, attending to my needs, and communicating with me deeply and openly. I observed a change in my behavior during this time. I was more easily able to stay grounded, centered, and loving in my own interactions with others. It was though I had finally come home.
Now that he is gone, how do I maintain that? Because I am not one who believes that it is the outside circumstances which cause and create our feelings. "I am what I thnk," I have learned. In other words, it is my interpretation of my perceptions which cause my emotions. I was told once that people need love and that when they feel loved, everything in their life becomes more stable. Having experienced what I have, I now believe that.
And there's more. When I stop and think rationally for a moment, I know that there are dozens of people in my life who love me - my children, my family, my friends, my God. So why doesn't their love suffice? Why doesn't all that love create in me the same sense of security?
I want it to. I want to feel all that love in my heart. How do I do it? How do I go from feeling like I'm giving to others all the time to feeling as though it is an equal exchange? Or, better yet, that I have so much in me already that I have more than enough to share?
Part of it, I know, is spending time with my God and watching and waiting for the miraculous signs of His continual Presence in my life. His supply of love for me is never ending.
God, grant that I may seek to love, rather than to be loved. Please help me to feel filled with love so that I may offer it to others freely. Amen.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
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