Confession

Sometimes I hear people say to me, "I don't know how you do it."

My first reaction is, "Yeah...I have no idea."

But that's not really true.  I have a few ideas of what it is that makes this amazing-crazy-never-stop-running-for-a-moment life possible.

I say "Thank you".  A LOT.  I hear myself say, "Thank you, God, that my feet are successfully carrying me to where I am going next."  I say, "Thank you, God, that this not so brand new but incredibly warm and comfortable vehicle is working so well today."  I say, "Thank you, God, that my children are healthy enough to be arguing with each other in the backseat."  I say, "Thank you, God, that even though I am exhausted, you are still giving me life."

Yeah, life is hard.  No doubt about it.  But then you see things like this:

If you can't read that final line, it says, "Written on a cellar wall in Germany during the Holocaust."

I heard a song today.  It made me cry.

Lord, I come, I confess.

Bowing here I find my rest.

Without You I fall apart,

You're the One that guides my heart.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more.

Where grace is found, is where You are.

And where You are, Lord, I am free.

Holiness is Christ in me.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Teach my song to rise to You

When temptation comes my way.

And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You.

Jesus, You're my hope and stay.

(Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher)

How do I do it?  "And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You."  It's the only way I know.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Been a While

So...it's been a while.

A couple of years to be exact.  Okay, almost three.  But I'm still here.

Here  is a list of things I know now that I didn't know then.

1.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined.
2.  hmmm....

Well, I am.  Stronger than I ever imagined, that is.  I considered crying today.  It was the first time (that I remember, anyway) in two years that I'd considered crying over stress.  Two years, a master's degree, a new career, a new marriage, three new step-children, and every day that runs non-stop until I fall into bed at night only to wake up the next day and do it all again.

Who IS this new person I've become?  I used to fall apart.  I don't fall apart anymore.  I hold things together.  Some days it feels like I hold EVERYTHING together.  For everyone.  And the truth is, I love doing it.  I love being a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a support, a cheerleader, and a shoulder to cry on for all the ones I've come to love working with.  I love knowing the direction I want my children to grow in and being strategic about every word and hug and kiss I give to them.  I love knowing the man of my dreams needs me to be sane and strong and stable for him (just as he is for me).  I love knowing that no matter how much I struggle in being a step-mother, it is imperative for me to be kind and respectful to my step-kids.

Okay, so the truth is...today I cried.  Today I wished somebody, anybody, could understand all that my brain does in a day.

I've learned a few other things too.  I've learned that real love does exist (I knew it!!!).  I've learned that honesty and compassion don't need politics.  I've learned that there's always a solution.  I've learned that hard work and determination are very rewarding in themselves.  I've learned that children really are absorbing what we're telling them.  I've learned that you always get another chance tomorrow.

I remember a time when I cried once a WEEK.  That's progress.

Hope to be back in the blogging world.  Words for life, so to speak.

Hey, what a catchy title!

Sincerely,

Jennifer