A Short Explanation

Hi, all.  It's Sunday.  It's my Sabbath Day. 

I have taken to making Sunday a day of rest.  I allow nothing on my to-do list on Sundays.  I make no commitments.  I always take a nap.  I believe God commanded the Israelites to make the Sabbath holy - that is, set apart - for a very important reason.  He commanded us to take a day of rest because we were designed to need rest.  We weren't meant to be striving twenty-four hours a day, nor seven days a week.

My husband knows I've been honoring the Sabbath for many months now.  It's not new.  So maybe knowing that I'm still carrying on my same traditions will help some of you know I haven't lost my mind.

You see,  I quit my job.

I quit my job of twenty-three years.  I quit my job with guaranteed income and paid benefits.  I quit my dream position of coaching and serving others in my field of experience.  I quit being who everyone could depend on.

I also quit striving.  I quit solving problems.  I quit covering for people who wouldn't take responsibility.  I quit being the person who had the answers.  I quit being frustrated.

I know it appears rash to some.  And that's okay.  Sometimes God's guidance looks that way on the outside.  The truth is, my husband and I have been talking about me joining the family business for a long time.  We figured that after a year or two, I'd join him in appraisal work.  God had a different plan.

This last year was one of the most difficult of my whole career.  Not only was I having nightmares about how frustrated I was, things outside my job went haywire as well.  I had over twenty absences this last year.  I never have that many absences.  A few of them were mental health days, to be true, but as many of you know, there were some pretty significant life events as well.  My family needed me.  This year we were affected by anxiety, depression, substance abuse, police action, and even suicide. 

By the time this school year was over, I knew it was time.  And as happens with God's timing, all the pieces fell into place.

You see, I'm a bad-ass.  I'm a woman with a mind of steel and heart of fire.  Whatever I do, I do it with a passion that sees it to completion, loving others fiercely along the way.

Now I can be that for my family.  They don't have to settle for the leftovers anymore.  They get the best of me. 

This is a new chapter.  I have a lot to learn before I will be a benefit to my husband professionally and begin generating income for our family.  I'm not afraid - just impatient.  But while I learn, I get to BE with my family.  I don't have to rush.  I can be present.  I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter and daughter-in-law.  I can be a sister and an aunt.  I can be a better friend. 

Once I have a bit more training and feel a little more comfortable in my new work, I will have mental time and space to read, to think, and to blog.  I'll be able to explore mental health issues and learn all I can about suicide prevention.  I'll be able to coach and love others with my 40+ years experience in living life.  Maybe I'll even take on some consulting work.  Who knows what God has in store?

God says to cease striving.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that well.  I'm a pretty high energy person.  But now I am free to simply strive in loving others, not solving people's problems.  It's an unbelieveable position to be in.  I am blessed.

So, when you need me - I'm here. 

Peace an Love,
Jennifer

Starting the Conversation

For those of you worried, yes, I'm okay.

Summer break has started which means I get to sleep as late as I need, enjoy long mornings sipping coffee, do household chores at a leisurely pace, and sit on my deck overlooking the water all day long.  I get to take short trips with my amazing husband and laugh with my children without feeling rushed.  I get to savor each moment of the amazing life God gave me.

For those who have read long enough, you know it wasn't always this easy.

God took me through great pain and great struggle to produce in me a strength and fortitude which many of you have recognized.  Yes, I am now a badass - a force of nature, as my husband calls me.  If there is a problem , I solve it.  If there is a task, I do it.  If there is a need, I fill it.  I do what needs to be done.  I do what others won't.  I give what others can't.

But even badasses have a lot to learn.

I don't waste time speculating on why God does what He does.  But I do notice when He's doing it.

I know very little about mental health and mental illness.  But it has for damn sure become a part of my life.  Without compromising the privacy of the ones I love, I will tell you that I have VERY closely now experienced the effects depression and anxiety.  I have walked with others through drug abuse, severe depression, trouble with police, and the effects of suicide.  And it's not just one person in my life.  Or two. Or three.  I mean, mental illness has made a nest and come to roost.

And I know nothing about it.

I'm an eternal optimist.  Optimism doesn't solve problems here.

So, when you see me share links or quotes from sane.org, or the Mental Health Awareness Facebook page, it is because I am educating myself.  But more than that, I'm putting it out there.  If you don't feel comfortable looking at it, please feel free to scroll on by.  I won't be offended, I promise.  But the reason I don't know much about mental illness is because it's not ever part of the conversation.  In my family, anyway, we've treated drug use or trouble with police as a separate issue, apart from the bigger picture of mental illness.  Mental illness, for me, is like some shadowy unknown.  So, I need to know.  I need to be educated.  I need to talk about it and put it out there and let it be as accepted as part of the conversation as the weather or the love I have for my friends.  I need to know how I can help, how I can support.  I need to know what not to do.  I need to find the limits of my own power and my inability to solve this problem for the people I love.  I just need to know more.

If you're interested in supporting me in this, then please don't scroll by.  Click.  Then message me what you think or feel or learn.  Let's start this conversation.  Because I need to know more.  The people I love need me to know more.  It's part of my life now - this big, beautiful, amazing, complex life that God has given me.  I would love your help in learning more.

I can't solve it.  I can't fix it.  But not all problems were made to be solved or fixed.  Some were made to be felt, to be lived, to be loved.  And not solving problems is something I'm not very good at,  But I'll try to be better,

Love and Peace,
Jennifer

I'm Tired

So if you're looking for one of my rainbows and butterflies and unicorns posts, this isn't one of those.  This is my current truth.  It's not very pretty, but here goes.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of a lot of things.

I'm tired of other people being afraid.  I'm tired of them not having the courage to stand up and do what needs to be done despite the difficulty.

I'm tired of swimming up stream.  I'm tired of fighting the battles that have to be fought and feeling like I'm doing it by myself.

I'm tired of people being blinded by their own perspective.  

I'm tired of fake, watch-what-you-say relationships.

I'm tired of people who don't reflect, who don't take responsibility for their words and their actions, who don't take time to understand or even think about how their behaviors affect other people.

I'm tired of people who are oblivious or even willfully ignorant of better ways to communicate, to process, and to behave 

Yep.  I'm not critical very often, but....

And I'm not really feeling critical per se.  I'm just so tired of picking up the slack.

I don't have to you know.  Saying '"Fuck this," is always an option.  And it  SHOULD be an option.  As humans, we so often take on too much  - things that  God is not asking us to carry.  I wish we were all a bit smarter about this.  I wish  we knew when to say no.  I wish we had the courage to do so.  I wish we all took care of ourselves a little  bit better so our misery wasn't a burden to those who love us.  

I've learned to be much pickier with my battles.  I've learned to make a wide berth between myself and dysfunction whenever it is within my control.  I've learned to do the same mentally and emotionally when I'm caught temporarily.  I've learned that it's okay to love from afar.  

But, dammit, if we could all just keep  our own side of the street clean, the world would be so much better.  

But then again, if we could, we would.

People ARE doing the best they can, given their perspective.  Everyone is just meeting their needs in the best way they know how.

And humanity is a ducking mess.  (I'll let auto correct keep that one in honor of the sensitive ears.)

I don't believe in self -improvement any more.  I believe in rescue.

Let me be utterly honest about my total inability to make myself a better person.  Let me grasp and own that truth with all my heart.  I am a train wreck.  We are all train wrecks.  And we have created mess after mess after mess.  And we have hurt each other so badly in the process.

What if there IS a super Hero?  What if there really is Someone who says, "Yep - y'all are fuck ups.  But I got this. I can fix it  - all of it.  In fact,  it's already done."

I don't believe in "SHOULD".  I believe in a Redeemer.

Would we all be better people if we just kept out freaking eyes on  HIM?

So, yeah, I'm tired.  I'm tired of humanity.  And after writing all this, I'm a little disgusted by my own.

But I hear a voice whisper, "Hey, I got this.  I can fix it.  In fact, it's already done."

And I breathe.  And I rest, grateful.

Sincerely,

Jennifer 

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry to those I worried.  I'm okay.  Or at least a version of okay.

It's like I imagine a near knock-out in a title fight.  You've been hit, but you keep fighting.  You're blindsided, but you take the punch and come back for more.  You keep swinging, knowing that no matter how much it stings, no matter how cut up you are, you have to keep going.

And then it comes.  That punch to the gut.  That hit that drives the air from your lungs, and you begin falling in slow motion towards the mat.  You see it happening.  You can't stop it.  And while you know more than anything that you are strong enough to stay on your feet, life has other plans.

So you fall.  And you hit that floor hard.  And you lay there stunned.

And in the back of your mind, you hear that countdown begin.  And you're tempted to pass out into peacefulness and let that countdown end.

But you don't.  Because you know you can't.  And you know you won't.  You just have to rest just a moment more, then you'll get back up.

And you do.


If you wonder why I write, it is because it is my art.  It is where my heart and my hands come together to create.  You may wonder why I write to YOU.  It is because someday, somewhere, you will stand in my shoes, just as I have stood in yours.  We all suffer.  We all break.  We get that call.  We watch the ones we love start to drown in their own humanity.  Or we begin to drown in our own.

I write because I have survived.  I have survived my own humanity and the humanity of the ones I love.  I write because I can still see the sunshine - most days.  I write because I learned that on the darkest of days, I can still thank God for feet that keep me standing.

We all fall.  We all lose our breath.  He picks us back up through the hearts and hands of those who love us.  It's okay to rest in the dark.  Love can handle the dark.

Love,
Jennifer


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I Can't Even Begin

My brain can't process the last two weeks.

I won't begin to tell you here or now what has transpired.  Some of it is too private. Some of it is too scary.  Mostly, I'm not ready to deal with it yet.

I have never had such a time in my life as I have had in the last two weeks.  What stands out to me most (for now) is the intensity and the painful waiting that occurred.  While there were many decisions that had to be made, none could be made until the present, painful, and seemingly unending moment had passed.  And once it did, it only served to bring me to the next present, painful, and seemingly unending moment.  I didn't wallow in the pain.  There wasn't time for that.  In a life or death situation when moments are ticking by like century marks, but there are no answers except for, We'll  have to wait and see - pain is not an option.  Pain is not an option because it would consume you and obliterate any chance of rational decision making.

I'm home now.  Life has returned to  "normal".  I'm back in my comfortable place again.  But there is so, so  much to face.  I'm not ready.

So I will post to my blog.  I will  read my chick lit.  I will eat my Oreos and do the laundry.  Because I need time to stand still for just a little while longer.  I need to rest before I pick up the cross and move forward again.

For just a few more moments, remembering what's important may be too much for me to bear.

That time will come. Just not yet. Please.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

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Better Things

So, I deleted my Facebook app on my phone.

I mean, I love you guys, I really do.  But every time I wasted an hour scrolling, I gave a little bit of my soul away.  Between the political turmoil, media's lies, and the unending ads, I always felt a little dead inside when I would finally put my phone down.  I don't have time to feel dead inside.

I'm smart enough to know that life is short.  Many days, it doesn't feel short.  Some days it feels like the day or week will never end.  Sometimes pain seems to draw out the hours.  Some seasons seem to last forever.  But they never do.

The truth is, life IS short.  And as I've perhaps said before, you don't get a second chance to do this thing called life.  There is no dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal, folks.

Therefore, I find myself (again) at the point of remembering what's important.

Above all, for me, peace is important.  Peace is what I sell the quickest.  I've sold it for money, for admiration, for power, for control, for "love" and for salvation.  I abandon peace in my mind first as I listen to the thoughts that my ego throws at me - You have to, You should, You shouldn't, You need, You want.  Then I follow the thoughts and wring out the peace from my body and soul as well.  Then I'm left spent and empty and hollow and dry.

Connection matters too.  And I have tried so many times to follow the phrase, Jesus, Others, You.  But the truth for me is that I have to find connection to myself and my Holy Spirit first and foremost. I have to be grounded in the Meaning that is in my soul.  Then there is an abundance to give from.  I absolutely have to feel connected or I am lost.

I know love matters most of all.  The changes in my life over the last four years caused me to scramble for balance.  And the more I scrambled, the more unbalanced I became.  A friend of mine says I am so, so loving.  But I want to be better.  I want to remember how to love my children unconditionally and not get frustrated with them.  I want to love my step-children.  I want to be the vessel of God's love for all that I meet.  I'm not yet.

But I'm better.  I'm closer.  I'm so much happier in the place I am now than I have been.

One thing I know - Slow Down.  The world's pace is insane.  You will kill your soul if you try to keep up.  You will stumble as you go.  Accept the stumble.  Choose to walk slower.  Choose to breathe slower.  Choose to savor touch and smells and light.  Meditate.  Sit outside.  Snuggle.  These are the foundation of the love I need back in my life.

So, I may not see you on Facebook.  But hopefully some will accept my offering of words and meet me here.  I want better things - for myself, for you, for all of us.  I want meaning, connection, peace and love.  May we hold each other close.

Sincerely,
Jennifer