My brain can't process the last two weeks.
I won't begin to tell you here or now what has transpired. Some of it is too private. Some of it is too scary. Mostly, I'm not ready to deal with it yet.
I have never had such a time in my life as I have had in the last two weeks. What stands out to me most (for now) is the intensity and the painful waiting that occurred. While there were many decisions that had to be made, none could be made until the present, painful, and seemingly unending moment had passed. And once it did, it only served to bring me to the next present, painful, and seemingly unending moment. I didn't wallow in the pain. There wasn't time for that. In a life or death situation when moments are ticking by like century marks, but there are no answers except for, We'll have to wait and see - pain is not an option. Pain is not an option because it would consume you and obliterate any chance of rational decision making.
I'm home now. Life has returned to "normal". I'm back in my comfortable place again. But there is so, so much to face. I'm not ready.
So I will post to my blog. I will read my chick lit. I will eat my Oreos and do the laundry. Because I need time to stand still for just a little while longer. I need to rest before I pick up the cross and move forward again.
For just a few more moments, remembering what's important may be too much for me to bear.
That time will come. Just not yet. Please.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
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