Goodbye, 2022

 Whew.

As I spend some much-needed time reflecting on the last year, I must acknowledge that it was a difficult one.  I know I and all the world are still recovering from the life-changing pandemic.  Personally, I believe I developed PTSD as a result of all the trauma we endured. But we have made a lot of progress in healing.

I sought out the help I needed, and I did most of what I was led to do.  I began reading A Course in Miracles again, and it has given me hope and sanity once again.  It is a very challenging text to read, and it will make no sense at all until the Universe decides you're ready.  I am very grateful for the words that guide me to the truth.  I wish it was all crystal clear instructions with a fail-safe plan.  But our experience here on earth seems to be more complicated than that.  Seems to be, anyway.  The Course teaches that this is all illusion anyway and that realizing our Oneness with Christ is our only true function.  I wish, in the busyness of the days, that I could remember how simple it is.  I'm still working on it.

I began 2022 feeling suffering, fear, guilt, and trauma.  It was not okay with me to feel that way, so I did something about it.  By springtime, I had found The Tapping Solution to deal with my negative emotions.  I had also begun ACIM in earnest.  By May, I knew I had found some healing.  In June, I found You, Happier which helped me to make changes in my life that gave me the healthiest brain possible to experience happiness.  I experienced a setback when I returned to work after the summer break, but I kept trying to become healthier and happier.  I remember clearly the time I experienced three good days in a row.  A miracle, I thought!  In August, I found Virtual EMDR to treat my PTSD.  I began to feel better and better.  By September, I had found the ability to be authentic again, though it was still a struggle.  In November, through 8 to Great, I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made that seemed to overshadow the good.  I let it go.  And I felt better.  December brought a time of reflection, and I know I am in much better shape than when I started this year.

There will be seasons when you get the living shit knocked out of you.  Sometimes these seasons last for years.  But healing is possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for every little bit of healing I have experienced.  I am grateful that God gave me a heart that WANTS healing bad enough to do the work.

I (understandably) don't feel as strong as I once did.  But I think that as I work to trust my Higher Power, and as I feel His support, my sense of strength may return.  It's His strength we rely on anyway.

A lot of my future is yet unknown.  This next year may bring a new home and a career change, but all of that is still to be revealed.  I am excited about the possible changes, and I want to be the strongest, healthiest, and happiest that I can be so I can meet these new challenges with confidence and resolve.

2022 was tough.  Not as tough as 2020, but the lingering effects are still with us.  I pray that as we move into 2023, the path to peace and happiness is smoother.  I pray for Grace for all of us who are still picking up broken pieces of the past.  I pray for Comfort and Healing, and most of all, I pray for Love.

May we walk this road together.

Love and Peace,

Jennifer

I see it!

Today was a good day.  A really good day.  Gratitude fills my heart, and I am so grateful for a reprieve from the shadow of dread that's been hanging around since 2020.  Maybe I've turned a corner.

Ain't gonna lie.  You all know how rough it's been.  Every day, I would try to feel positive and rainbow-y, but it was so, so hard.

When I was discussing the lack of rainbows and unicorns with a friend, she told me we don't need rainbows and unicorns right now.  We need real.  She's right.

I'm still striving to be more and more authentic.  That, in my opinion, is one of the tragedies of the mess that was the last few years.  Even with all the fear, sickness, and death, I tried to put on a happy face.  I can't tell you for sure if that was a mistake or not, because we needed all the positivity we could get.  But it took its toll.  No amount of positivity could counteract all the stress and fear we've experienced.  I misplaced authenticity in the midst of it all.  I'm trying to find my way back.

When people are hurting, they don't want unicorns.  They want someone to understand.   They want someone to sit with them and share the burden.  They want to know they're not alone.

So, where are we at?  Are we still hurting?  Are we back to good yet?

For me, I've been taking it one day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  

I am so grateful for those who I am blessed to call friends who are supporting me every day.  Your love and your concern mean the world to me.  Thank you.

If you're limping like I am, take heart.  You are not limping alone.  The good news is we're moving.  I'm rereading Pollyanna.  In it, she searches for the good amidst devastating circumstances.  She calls it the "Glad Game".  I've been playing that game a lot lately.  That's good news.  Finally, I can see the good again.  I am grateful for the healing. 

May we all heal.

Love, Jennifer

EDIT: This post was originally written on 11/28/22.  Now, two weeks later....well, you'll just have to wait for the next post.

Much Love.

A Prayer for Healing

 I don't know that I can say for certain that I'm out of my slump.  But I know I'm close.

I feel like me again.  There were even some rainbows and unicorns toward the end of last week.

Looking back, I realize that I was in worse shape than I would have admitted.  I guess I didn't really even know how bad it was.

But I do know it's been a long road back.  

At some point, I recognized that the fear, dread, and PTSD left over from three years of chaos and turmoil were holding me back.  I found the strength to try and deal with all that remained.

I looked for help.  I read books.  I changed my diet.  I started taking more vitamins. I increased my medication.  I tried to find a therapist, but they're all too busy.  So, I found virtual EMDR.  I practiced healing every day.

And, I am happy to say, I have healed so much.

I guess that's all this post is.  It's a word of encouragement to all of us who have suffered or fallen or found ourselves at the end of our rope.  Please know - there is hope.

We've all been on a rough road.  While the threat of COVID has diminished for most of us, many of us are still in survival mode.  For those of us still struggling, I want to offer peace.

After all, what is it we're really trying to accomplish here?

I believe we're trying to accomplish joy, peace, and love.  I believe that anything less is just a distraction from our true purpose.

When you're suffering, it's very difficult to see joy, peace, or love.

I also believe that it is our moral responsibility to heal.  We must heal so that we are free to love and forgive the way God intended.

So if you suffer, find your healing.  If you love someone who suffers, help them heal.  Ask the Universe to guide you to healing.  It will oblige.

We must allow ourselves to heal so that the future may again shine brightly.

I send out a prayer for healing.  For all of us.

Love and peace,

Jennifer

It's working

 About 30 days ago, I accepted the fact that I wanted to be happier, and I decided to do something about it.  The fear and the drudge that 2020 brought were no longer useful to me.  I know I am not meant to live in fear and dread.

So I did what I do.  I found a book.  This time, the Universe handed me You, Happier: The 7 Neuroscience Secrets of Feeling Good Based on Your Brain Type by Daniel Amen, MD (2022).  Through the lens of neuroscience, Dr. Amen presents information and practices that help you nourish your brain so the happy chemicals and hormones can do their job better.

I immediately changed my diet (living on protein shakes does not do enough for your brain to feel happy).  I started taking the supplements that support my specific brain type (Sensitive-Cautious-Persistent).  I noticed the effect the very next day - I already felt so much more positive and hopeful.  That was enough for me to commit to a change.

I took the happiness quiz again.  I went from a 2.6 to a 4.17.  I have met my goal of being happier.  I can feel it.,

So, why do I tell you all this?

Because God gave us the ability to change how we feel.  If we continue to attach ourselves to thoughts of fear, dread, and accusation, we will continue to feel trapped in an unhappy world.  But if we choose to let go and forgive those accusatory thoughts, they won't affect us.  It really is that simple.

In doing this work, I was reminded of my true purpose - to spread Love.  It's hard to spread love when you are trapped in fearful and judgmental thinking.  It feels like the only thing you're capable of is self-protection.  And the love you try to share feels contrived and inauthentic.  But there comes a moment when you realize the futility of the fear and wasted energy.  And that is the moment you begin to let go.  

(In addition to the resource I mentioned above, I want to remind you about Judgement Detox Release the Beliefs that Hold You Back from Living a Better Life by Gabrielle Bernstein (2018).  It's another game-changer.)

Some might wonder, is being happy really that important?  There are those who will say it is our moral obligation.  I agree.  The author of You, Happier offers this quote:

"One of my favorite short videos that I encourage all of my patients to watch is by Dennis Prager. In “Why Be Happy,” he suggests that happiness is a moral obligation. He says: Whether or not you’re     happy, and most importantly, whether or not you act happy is about altruism, not selfishness—because it is about how we affect others’ lives. . . . Ask anybody who was raised by an unhappy parent whether or not happiness is a moral issue, and I assure you the answer will be “yes.” It is no fun being raised by an unhappy parent or being married to an unhappy person or being the parent of an unhappy child or working with an unhappy coworker."   

My point is this - You can do something about how you feel.  You can create a happy, content life if you really want to.  But it takes a willingness to let all your thoughts be scrutinized and disowned when they are not helpful.  There is a part of your mind that will always try to trip you up.  But it doesn't control you, it only tempts you.  You get to decide whether or not it will dictate how you feel or act.

If you're chronically unhappy - please, please don't give up.  My words alone are not enough, but there is a way out.  It takes effort and commitment, but it is possible.  Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going."  Seek out the help you need.  Please.  For those suffering from long-term crippling anxiety or depression, I know it's not as easy as I make it sound.  I've been there.  I really do know.  But there are many people and places that can support you.  Reach out for help.

Ask the Universe to guide you.  Ask to be led to the resources you need.  The Universe will oblige.  

I hope you came out of the pandemic feeling more positive than I did.  I hope you never lost your spark.  But if you did, you can find it again.  I promise.

When you're coming out of a dark place, the road can seem long and scary.  But we are not alone.  We are loved and cared for beyond our wildest imagination.  Let's help each other find the light again.

With love,

Jennifer

References

Amen, Daniel G. . You, Happier: The 7 Neuroscience Secrets of Feeling Good Based on Your Brain Type (pp. 3-4). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Bernstein, Gabrielle. Judgment Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living A Better Life (p. 203). Gallery Books. Kindle Edition. 

 

The Way Back

I experienced extensive fear and dread over the last few years.  Not only was I afraid for my life and the lives of those I loved, I was also afraid of other people and their power to hurt me.  In trying to protect myself, I lost my authenticity.  

I'm trying to find it again.

I don't see unicorns and rainbows these days.  I hope they come back, but I'm learning to be okay without them.  For a long time, I tried to still be a cheerleader even though I was filled with my own fear.  I'm sure it came off as shallow and fake.  And I hated being fake.  But it was all I knew how to do.  Because I was supposed to be happy, to be the encourager, to spread joy.  Or at least I was supposed to look like it.

But it didn't work well.

As I struggle to get my feet back on the right path, I recognize that I don't want to be a fake cheerleader.

I want to be authentic.

I used to have so much loving energy to spread to others.  And that's where I had to start.  

I didn't feel good.  I felt fear and anxiety.  I had to recognize that my fearful feelings were perpetuated by my attachment to the judgmental thoughts that haunted me.  So, I learned to recognize the thought when it came.  I learned how to release attachment to accusing thoughts, to forgive those thoughts, to accept them and to allow them to dissipate.  I found that I had to learn how to trust again.  I had to re-learn how to trust God and the Universe, and that there is a Higher Power really working for our good.  I accepted that God loved me, so I am love, so I am free to love others.  Instead of giving fake sunshine, I have found that I can give what I have, even if it isn't pure light.  I am both Light and shadow, and if I allow and accept all of me, I have something good and real to share with others.

Don't get me wrong.  I WANT unicorns and rainbows.  I want sunshine to touch you every time we meet.  And I'm trying to get there again, but for now, real is where it's at.

I am trying to find the courage to be more authentic again.  I am working on myself and taking baby steps back to being healthy.  If I struggle or come off as awkward, please forgive me.  I'm trying my best.

And to those who still love me, thank you.

The road back is long.  Thank you for walking it with me.

With love in my heart,

Jennifer

It's Time

 Thank God, it's time.

It's time to put the last few years to rest.

It's time to let go of the fear, the uncertainty, and the constant state of unease.

It's time to heal.

Thank God it's time to heal.

This isn't the first time I've been in this place.  I've experienced life's valleys before.  I've been in the throes of crisis and the subsequent journey back to peace.  I've risen from the ashes before.

But not like this.

When I claimed it was the last five years that nearly did me in, I was probably being a bit melodramatic.  Really, it's been about three.  But as you and I can probably agree, it was the worst three years so far.

You know me, I'm an optimist.  But by the end of these last three years, it was very hard to see the good.

And THAT was what almost did me in.  I couldn't see the good.

I saw fear.  I saw pain.  I saw dread.  I saw conflict and violence.  And it went on and on and on.

I did the only thing I could do.  I hid.

I hid under my blankie on my couch and closed my eyes tight, hoping it would all go away.

It didn't.

Of course, I can't see what the future holds.  Maybe it's worse, who knows.  But for today, I feel a reprieve.  

I'm not the same optimist I was before.  Seeing rainbows and unicorns was my natural state.  Today, I'm happy if I feel something, anything, besides fear and dread.

Today I woke up, and the sun was shining.

Today, I woke up, and I WANTED to do good things for myself.  Today I WANTED to exercise and do yoga and read good books that make me feel good.  Today I WANTED something better.

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger.  If that's true, I have no doubt I now have the strength to survive anything.  Maybe not with a smile in my heart, but survival is possible.

And after survival comes healing.

I hope you are ready for healing too.  

My plans include yoga, meditation, running, reading, writing, and photography.  My plans include smiling and seeing the sunshine.  My plans include practicing gratitude and sharing joy.  

I send my plans to the heavens and ask for the Universe's blessing.

We can't (and shouldn't) see what tomorrow brings.  We can only see one day at a time.  And today, I see HOPE.

I pray you see HOPE too.

May we love each other and ourselves back to a place of peace and joy.  We know a bit more about how ugly the world can be, but let's remember the love, the beauty, and the hope that still lives.

May we find it.

Love,

Jennifer

Five Years

 It's been a good day.

It was a good week.

Things are improving.

I wasn't my strongest on Monday.  You see, my past paid a visit last weekend.  I was brought back to a time in my life that brought me more suffering than I've ever experienced before.  It was an extended period of time of feeling that I couldn't find a place to put my feet down.  It lasted for months.  And then, as fate would have it, the pandemic began, and all of life became uncertain.  

The catalyst for this suffering?

My choices.  

I made choices that people didn't approve of.  I made choices that hurt some people.  I made choices that caused close friends to pull away from me.

And it hurt.  It hurt so badly.  There were days I couldn't even move, paralyzed with fear and shame.

And while I do wish I could go back and take away the pain I caused others and myself, I also know the path of my life diverged in a way bigger than I realized at the time.

And I can't go back.

For many months, I wrestled with the thoughts that told me I was a bad person.  Those accusing thoughts that come, and if you latch on to them, they feel very true.

The last few years have been very dark for all of us.

But I believe in the sun even when it's not shining.

I have struggled my way to a place of self acceptance.  I'm still struggling with it.  Perhaps I am the villain in someone's story (we all are, you know).  But if I am, it's really none of my business.

When I look back at how my story has changed over the last five years, I am happy with where I stand now.  I've let go of a lot of old ideas and beliefs.  A lot of shitty things happened, and I learned to stop fighting them.

Peace comes from letting go and accepting.

Maybe you're like me.  Maybe you're coming out of this pandemic a completely difference person than who you were going in.  Maybe during the pandemic you realized that the world is crazy and that the path you were on before leads the wrong way.

To those I hurt - I am sorry for my actions that hurt.  I truly am.

But I am not sorry for who I am today.  I am not sorry for the progress I've made from self-loathing back to self-acceptance.  I'm not sorry for letting go of old beliefs and ideas that only serve to divide and hurt people.  I love knowing that the strength to rise from the ashes lies within me.  Again and again and again.

The story God is telling is a good story, even when certain details look bad.  

And even if you're the villain in someone else's story, or worse, the villain in your own, it's still a good story.

So, I will continue to pursue this goodness - this goodness in myself, in you, and in this great big, crazy story called life.  

Brighter days are coming.  The details of the story may have changed.  But you are a good person.  I am a good person.  Sometimes when we're doing the best we can with what we've got, we drop the ball and cause others to see us in a different light.  But that doesn't change the value of who we are and the importance of the role we play in this great big, good story.

It's a good life.  May we live it well.

Love and peace,

Jennifer

I will honor what is with grace.

 As I may have mentioned, I love my planner,  It has a place to mark if you aligned with your vision each day (yay, vision board!) as well as a place to write your intention for the day.  Sometimes I remember to write an intention statement, but even if I do, I have usually forgotten it by the end of the day.  So, when I happened to glance at my planner this evening, I was reminded of this morning's intention - I will honor what is with grace.

Today was hell.  It started with a small memorial for a colleague who died last week.  I don't cry often, but today I just sobbed in the arms of another coworker.  It was rough.  Then I had to leave quickly since I realized that the clock I had been watching to gauge the time wasn't actually moving.  (I'm so observant.)  So I rushed back to work only to find the appointment had been cancelled anyway.  Then I spent almost the entire day trying to solve a coworker's technical issues.  And then, I stayed too late doing the work I had been avoiding all day.  

Did I honor all that is with grace?

I cry ugly.  And boy, did I cry.  In fact, I sobbed all the way to my car and on the drive back to work.  Was I "graceful"?  No, like I said - ugly.  And did I serenely accept the technical issues for what they were?  Nope.  We beat our heads against that wall all day.  (We won in the end!)  And was I feeling gracious when I left work two hours past contract time?  No.  I felt exhausted.

So when today's intention caught my eye, I stopped for a moment to reflect on my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

And here's the thing.  I remember making a conscious decision to allow myself to double over against the wall sobbing knowing full well that someone could probably hear me.  That's grace.  And when a major mistake was uncovered today, and those two ladies came to confess?  What was my response to them?  Pure grace.  And my willingness to put my friend's technical needs above my own to do list?  That's got grace written all over it.  And yes, I was tired at the end of it all (and not functioning the best), but I knew I was leaving late because I had given myself permission to work at a slower pace and to allow my to do list to remain unconquered.  That sounds like grace to me.

Holy shit, Universe!  We did it!

Rachel Hollis says, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark." 

These times are so hard.  We're all very much sick and tired.  These days, we're missing the mark constantly.  It takes strength to surrender.  It takes courage to allow yourself to do today's best, knowing it's not enough to solve our problems.  We're really going through it.  But if we reach deep, there is grace, and there is enough grace within us to deal with what life throws at us.  I promise.

May we all find the strength to have grace for the world, for each other, and most importantly, for ourselves.  Let's honor what is with grace.,

With love and grace,

Jennifer

Let's Begin Again

 I guess yesterday's post may have started out a little rough.  Let's begin again.

All of reality changed during 2020.  Or at least what we perceived as reality.  We thought we were safe, and that things were going the way they should.  We thought that the people in charge were competent enough to keep things running smoothly.

Boy, were we wrong.

Perhaps you are like me.  I recognize that I have lived in fear and high alert for almost two whole years.  That's a lot of stress to put a mind through.  My own mind shows signs of trauma.  I deal with high anxiety, memory loss, and a constant need to control.

I don't want to live in fear anymore.

I want to be joyous.  I want to be happy and free.  I want to spread love and joy to all those around me and to live a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

How does one accomplish this amongst so much suffering?

Truth is, I don't know yet.  But faith tells me its possible.

I have my sights set.  I created a vision board, ordered a Christ-consciousness meditation CD, and will begin to listen to Brenè Brown´s The Power of Vulnerability.  I´m ready.

Will you take this journey with me?  Will you dare to hope for peace, love, and connection during a time of deep strife?  If only enough of us believe...

May 2022 give all of us some breathing room, a chance to find our feet again, and the desire to love this world and each other with abandon.  May we find the roots of our faith and the hope to believe that this world really is a good place.  May Love once again be our driving force.

So, yeah, things have been bad.  Really bad.  But our spirits can heal.  I promise.

Let's begin again.  Shall we?

With Love and Hope,

Jennifer

2022

 So...what in the actual fuck?

It's been a couple years.  Not sure if I'll make posting a habit again, but maybe...

So, if there's anyone out there still reading my words, thank you.

America divided, thousands dying a day...2020 continues.

Since I last wrote, I went back to my career in education.  It is going wonderfully, and I'm grateful to once again feel efficacious.  I'm getting a second master's degree, and I plan to continue working in education until I retire.

My marriage is awesome.  We just celebrated our nine year anniversary with a trip to the mountains.  My partner is my rock.

So, how goes the rest?

Well, like you, I am living through year three of a world wide pandemic.  While I am no longer terrified of the disease (thank you, vaccination!), it is raging out of control.  Hospitals are over-filled and overwhelmed.

Then, there's politics.  I have found that I want to be as far left of the right-wing party as possible.  While it's true I have leaned left my entire life, I am finding now that I just want to be as far away as I can from what the Republican party has become.

And what about church?  I don't agree with "church" at all anymore.  I know it wasn't all churches, but enough of them handled this pandemic and the unfortunate politics in ways that I want absolutely nothing to do with.  Humans screwed up Christianity so badly.  I don't want to be seen as part of that group anymore.

So, those are the world-wide issues.  Personally?  That's been rough too.  Recently, one of my children was in a near fatal car crash, and another child went through their third psychotic episode.  Easy times?  No.

2022 has just begun.  What do I bring with me into this new year?

An awareness that the God of the universe began this good work called Christ when he created this world, and He will continue this opus until its completion.

Everything is Christ, and my judgment is completely unnecessary.

We fall.  We get up.  Hopefully, we learn something in the process.

And that's what all of this is - a process.  I, myself, am an energy process that will one day transform into a different form of energy.

I've learned that clinging tightly is futile and wasteful.  I've learned that resistance to the flow of life is counter productive.  I'm trying to learn that I don't need to control things.  I just bought a sweat shirt that says, "Relax.  Nothing is under control."  Truer words were never spoken.

I've learned I don't know much of anything.  The thinking mind causes so many problems.  I have been through so much suffering over the last few years that I have had to let go of pretty much everything.  I have learned that I can't fix things, and that I, like you, must live one day at a time.  I am trying to re-learn how to truly live and enjoy life and rest in its flow.

The world is suffering.  Our country is suffering.  Our families are suffering.  Only love and connection can make things okay.

So, for January, I am going to take extra special care of myself.  I am going to love myself gently for a whole month.  I am going to let go.  In Jewel's words, "I'll gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear."  I am going to try very hard to go slow and gentle with glow with love.  

I hold all of us in my heart as we begin this new year.  We are tired.  We are hurting.  But Christ suffers with us.  We are not alone, and the Love we need to survive is still here, waiting for us to connect to it once again.  May we all find love, peace, and maybe even a little bit of joy as we start another journey together.

Love and peace to all.

Jennifer