Saturday, January 22, 2022

I will honor what is with grace.

 As I may have mentioned, I love my planner,  It has a place to mark if you aligned with your vision each day (yay, vision board!) as well as a place to write your intention for the day.  Sometimes I remember to write an intention statement, but even if I do, I have usually forgotten it by the end of the day.  So, when I happened to glance at my planner this evening, I was reminded of this morning's intention - I will honor what is with grace.

Today was hell.  It started with a small memorial for a colleague who died last week.  I don't cry often, but today I just sobbed in the arms of another coworker.  It was rough.  Then I had to leave quickly since I realized that the clock I had been watching to gauge the time wasn't actually moving.  (I'm so observant.)  So I rushed back to work only to find the appointment had been cancelled anyway.  Then I spent almost the entire day trying to solve a coworker's technical issues.  And then, I stayed too late doing the work I had been avoiding all day.  

Did I honor all that is with grace?

I cry ugly.  And boy, did I cry.  In fact, I sobbed all the way to my car and on the drive back to work.  Was I "graceful"?  No, like I said - ugly.  And did I serenely accept the technical issues for what they were?  Nope.  We beat our heads against that wall all day.  (We won in the end!)  And was I feeling gracious when I left work two hours past contract time?  No.  I felt exhausted.

So when today's intention caught my eye, I stopped for a moment to reflect on my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

And here's the thing.  I remember making a conscious decision to allow myself to double over against the wall sobbing knowing full well that someone could probably hear me.  That's grace.  And when a major mistake was uncovered today, and those two ladies came to confess?  What was my response to them?  Pure grace.  And my willingness to put my friend's technical needs above my own to do list?  That's got grace written all over it.  And yes, I was tired at the end of it all (and not functioning the best), but I knew I was leaving late because I had given myself permission to work at a slower pace and to allow my to do list to remain unconquered.  That sounds like grace to me.

Holy shit, Universe!  We did it!

Rachel Hollis says, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark." 

These times are so hard.  We're all very much sick and tired.  These days, we're missing the mark constantly.  It takes strength to surrender.  It takes courage to allow yourself to do today's best, knowing it's not enough to solve our problems.  We're really going through it.  But if we reach deep, there is grace, and there is enough grace within us to deal with what life throws at us.  I promise.

May we all find the strength to have grace for the world, for each other, and most importantly, for ourselves.  Let's honor what is with grace.,

With love and grace,

Jennifer


Sunday, January 2, 2022

Let's Begin Again



 I guess yesterday's post may have started out a little rough.  Let's begin again.

All of reality changed during 2020.  Or at least what we perceived as reality.  We thought we were safe, and that things were going the way they should.  We thought that the people in charge were competent enough to keep things running smoothly.

Boy, were we wrong.

Perhaps you are like me.  I recognize that I have lived in fear and high alert for almost two whole years.  That's a lot of stress to put a mind through.  My own mind shows signs of trauma.  I deal with high anxiety, memory loss, and a constant need to control.

I don't want to live in fear anymore.

I want to be joyous.  I want to be happy and free.  I want to spread love and joy to all those around me and to live a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

How does one accomplish this amongst so much suffering?

Truth is, I don't know yet.  But faith tells me its possible.

I have my sights set.  I created a vision board, ordered a Christ-consciousness meditation CD, and will begin to listen to Brenè Brown´s The Power of Vulnerability.  I´m ready.

Will you take this journey with me?  Will you dare to hope for peace, love, and connection during a time of deep strife?  If only enough of us believe...

May 2022 give all of us some breathing room, a chance to find our feet again, and the desire to love this world and each other with abandon.  May we find the roots of our faith and the hope to believe that this world really is a good place.  May Love once again be our driving force.

So, yeah, things have been bad.  Really bad.  But our spirits can heal.  I promise.

Let's begin again.  Shall we?

With Love and Hope,

Jennifer




Saturday, January 1, 2022

2022

 So...what in the actual fuck?

It's been a couple years.  Not sure if I'll make posting a habit again, but maybe...

So, if there's anyone out there still reading my words, thank you.

America divided, thousands dying a day...2020 continues.

Since I last wrote, I went back to my career in education.  It is going wonderfully, and I'm grateful to once again feel efficacious.  I'm getting a second master's degree, and I plan to continue working in education until I retire.

My marriage is awesome.  We just celebrated our nine year anniversary with a trip to the mountains.  My partner is my rock.

So, how goes the rest?

Well, like you, I am living through year three of a world wide pandemic.  While I am no longer terrified of the disease (thank you, vaccination!), it is raging out of control.  Hospitals are over-filled and overwhelmed.

Then, there's politics.  I have found that I want to be as far left of the right-wing party as possible.  While it's true I have leaned left my entire life, I am finding now that I just want to be as far away as I can from what the Republican party has become.

And what about church?  I don't agree with "church" at all anymore.  I know it wasn't all churches, but enough of them handled this pandemic and the unfortunate politics in ways that I want absolutely nothing to do with.  Humans screwed up Christianity so badly.  I don't want to be seen as part of that group anymore.

So, those are the world-wide issues.  Personally?  That's been rough too.  Recently, one of my children was in a near fatal car crash, and another child went through their third psychotic episode.  Easy times?  No.

2022 has just begun.  What do I bring with me into this new year?

An awareness that the God of the universe began this good work called Christ when he created this world, and He will continue this opus until its completion.

Everything is Christ, and my judgment is completely unnecessary.

We fall.  We get up.  Hopefully, we learn something in the process.

And that's what all of this is - a process.  I, myself, am an energy process that will one day transform into a different form of energy.

I've learned that clinging tightly is futile and wasteful.  I've learned that resistance to the flow of life is counter productive.  I'm trying to learn that I don't need to control things.  I just bought a sweat shirt that says, "Relax.  Nothing is under control."  Truer words were never spoken.

I've learned I don't know much of anything.  The thinking mind causes so many problems.  I have been through so much suffering over the last few years that I have had to let go of pretty much everything.  I have learned that I can't fix things, and that I, like you, must live one day at a time.  I am trying to re-learn how to truly live and enjoy life and rest in its flow.

The world is suffering.  Our country is suffering.  Our families are suffering.  Only love and connection can make things okay.

So, for January, I am going to take extra special care of myself.  I am going to love myself gently for a whole month.  I am going to let go.  In Jewel's words, "I'll gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear."  I am going to try very hard to go slow and gentle with glow with love.  

I hold all of us in my heart as we begin this new year.  We are tired.  We are hurting.  But Christ suffers with us.  We are not alone, and the Love we need to survive is still here, waiting for us to connect to it once again.  May we all find love, peace, and maybe even a little bit of joy as we start another journey together.

Love and peace to all.

Jennifer