Day 69

 I fixed my own dishwasher again.

Some of you may remember how this blog began. It was a promise to myself to go 365 days without a man. Those who were following closely enough saw that, counting down, I only made it to day 291. That’s 73 days. That was when the best husband I’ve ever known came into my life.

He left my life on August 17, 2025. I haven’t been strong enough to blog since then.

But today I fixed my own dishwasher.

I have known for many years that everything that exist in this version of life is curriculum. Every single detail. And while we may learn on some levels to some degree, the Great Loving Universe is never content in letting us settle for anything less than infinite growth and expansion.

I am only just beginning to understand what within me needs healing. A storm, the most intense and long-lasting storm I’ve ever known, raged on for 18 months. The devastation was widespread throughout my mind and my body. The chasm between my spirit and my terrified ego grew wide.  I forgot everything about Who I am, what Love is, and how much the Divine values me.

In February of this year, I finally surrendered. The damage in my psyche had manifested in my nervous system. My body could no longer restore itself. Almost the whole right side of my body was in a state of constant contraction, and not just mild contraction. Holding onto the side of a cliff with your toes wrapped around the grass type of contraction.  And simply letting go was no longer feasible. 

My brain and my stubborn will thought I could keep going. And I tried. But I began to miss work. I was only sleeping two hours a night because of the constantly returning sensation of my right hand feeling like it was on fire due to nerve compression in my cervical spine. I finally admitted I couldn’t go on. I was granted medical leave, and as of today, I have not yet returned to work.

The purpose of the curriculum, of course, is to help us remember just Who we are and the majesty of What we are.

The storm was so incredibly painful. I witnessed those I love go through hell. And I tried to save them.  And I was unsuccessful. And somewhere in the middle of the storm, I realized that my only option was to disengage.

I have spent the last 30 years loving other people, taking care of other people. For the last 13, there were no boundaries. I took care of everyone at work. I took care of everyone at home. I thought I could save everyone. I thought I had enough love and that I was strong enough to do it.

The part of the lesson I hadn’t even considered yet was that you have to wash your own feet too.

I remember the first time I did that, months ago now. I was in the shower, washing as usual, and I decided to scrub my feet.  That's when Yeshua told me…You have to wash your own feet too.

That may have been the introduction to what has unfolded.

I began to realize that self-care was a foreign concept to me.

I had become a vessel full of pain, conflict, baggage, defense, self-punishment, and sorrow.  It’s still quite a chaotic mess.

But when I retreated from life in February, claimed my space in this amazing house on the river, and the pace began to slow, my spirit began guiding me towards healing.

All I know today is that my mind is still split between my spirit and my ego. But I can identify the ego now. I know when it is speaking. I know when it is tempting me to push, to rush, to control, to abandon my Self. I want to be rid of it. But attacking it is just the ego's way of protecting its existence.

I also know that all this ego nonsense, and all these storms, do not change Who or What we were created to Be.

And I am learning, that if I can see the Perfection in you, I can experience healing.

I’m certainly not very good at it yet. But I’m going to go stand downtown today with 7000 other people who are united in knowing that Love Wins, and I know it will make me stronger.

I love you. I will always love you. And I pray that someday I know that I mean that with every distinct Being I have ever crossed paths with.

For that is what this Universe is all about.

Love, 

Jeni Lynn

Sabbath

It's Sunday again - my chosen day for Sabbath.  I try to set aside one day a week in which I don't aim to accomplish anything - no chores, no tasks, no to-do's.  I'm not perfect at it.  Sometimes the laundry doesn't get finished on Saturday, and there is a little bit to complete before the new week begins.  Luckily for me, this weekend is a three day weekend, so I have a little extra time for doing the things I think need to be done before I can relax then enjoy a week of work.  I don't need to stress about finishing the laundry.

I used to think the Sabbath was just about taking a day to rest.  You know - God worked hard to create the universe, so on the seventh day, He was worn down and rested.  He told the Israelites they should do no work on the Sabbath to follow His model.  And the people were dutiful - condemning Jesus for putting forth effort on the Sabbath by healing the sick or snacking on wheat.  As usual, we misinterpreted the message.

Today, I realize that Sabbath is not based on the idea of rest, though rest is a beneficial result.  Rather, the Sabbath is about Trust.  It is about remembering that we are complete in God, that all our true needs - Oneness, Forgiveness, Love - are already met.  It is about recognizing that God will take care of the minutiae (our physical needs) if we ask Him to.  And if we realize our Trust, we will know that we are safe, we are loved, and we are cared for in a way that is infinitely better than our attempts to take care of ourselves.  

Trust is not always the first inclination.  I see my to-do list, and the fear that I will not be complete until it is accomplished creeps in.  That is a ridiculous fear, and I am learning to let it go.  We fear that we will not get what we want or what we think we need, and that fear mucks up our perception and subsequent actions.  Fear is the root of all evil.

When I dive into a work week with my attention on all the responsibilities and expectations of the worldly roles I have chosen (most of which I've placed on myself), it is very easy for me to lose sight of Trust, and fear is a persistent temptation.  But I don't want fear to limit the good God wants me to do on this planet.  I am learning to reject fear - to say, "I don't want that" when the temptation to fear rises in my mind.  When I am free from fear, God is free to perform through me - to love, to accept, to embrace, to forgive, so that all the world might be healed.

So, today I will Trust, and I will rest in the knowledge that God is good and I am loved and safe.

May God lead us all to Trust.

In Love and Light,

Jennifer

Home

 It's good to be home.

The journey was long.  The journey was hard.  Much of the journey was made difficult by my own mistakes.  

I'm so grateful that part is behind me.

I have my heart back.  I have my authenticity back.  I have my love back.  I have peace and confidence once again.  I feel good.  I am happy.

Our lifestyle has changed.  We went from living in a big house in an upscale neighborhood to a small home in the city.  The people are different.  And I love them.  They are real.  The river flows through our backyard, and the old trees rain down their fall colors and provide a blanket of beauty across our yard.  We worked very hard to make this house our home.  This old house, made new by our steadfastness and our effort, by our colors and our tones, provides so much warmth.  It's cozy and so beautiful to me.  I am content.

But more than our location has changed.  I have changed.  My path had led me to scary places, places I couldn't connect, where I couldn't feel solid ground beneath me.  I made mistakes.  I hurt people.  Mostly, I hurt myself.  I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.  But I am so grateful the path led me back - back to who I am, back to where my heart is. I am me again.

It was work.  It took working on myself much like working on this old house.  I knew the steps I needed to take, and I knew the effort it required, and I pushed hard until the job was done.  It was worth it.  I'm home again.  

Life is not easy.  There are stretches of time and circumstance that cause us to feel lost, dazed, and confused.  We lose sight  of where home lies.  We wander.  But just for a time.  Love finds us again.  Love brings us home.  

Come home with me.  Come home to where the heart beats strong and steady, where love's warmth surrounds you in peace.  I'll meet you there, and together we will remember what matters, what is real and worthy of our hearts and our faith.  Love will meet us there.  And we will find strength and comfort and rest.

May this season of life be kind.  May love guide your steps and your heart.  May you cherish home.

Much love,

Jennifer

An Update

For those who have been following my story, you know how hard I've been fighting to recover.  I have been very, very sick.  Like for the last six years.  Life events and my own actions knocked the living shit out of me.  Thank you to those who stuck with me.  No wonder I couldn't see the sunshine.  No wonder I could only see darkness.  No wonder I was trying desperately to find happiness again.

Today, I'm happy.  In all that I searched for, in all the changes I tried to make, I didn't try to make the right changes.  And so the darkness continued.

Today, I am healthy again.  Today, I am at peace.  Today, I am happy.  Truly happy.

The last several times I wrote, I didn't know how sick I still was.  I didn't know how sick I let myself become.  I knew I wasn't feeling the way I wanted to feel, but I didn't know I was looking for the solution in the wrong places.

Today I know...

I am powerless over God's world, and it is not meant to be controlled.

God loves us and wants us to be happy and healthy.

I have decided to let God run the show again.

A diligent reflection and assessment of my actions leads me to see where I could be better.

Being open with others and with God about my imperfections helps me find peace.

I surrender my imperfections to God.

I have identified actions that I need to apologize for.

I am working on making those apologies.

I reflect almost every day on what I did well and things I would like to do differently.

I pray and meditate every day, and I look to the Holy Spirit to guide me through life.

I connect with others again, and I'm trying to share what I've learned.

I didn't know that 2017 would be the beginning of some of the darkest years of my life.  I didn't know the depths to which I'd fall.  I didn't know how much we would all suffer.  

But I did know, in the bottom of my heart, that escape from the suffering was possible.  And it took me a while, but I found it.

I offer you hope.  I offer you my experience in knowing that if you find yourself on the darkest of roads, there is a way out, and if you'll look to the Universe with sincere humility and ask for help, the Universe will kindly and lovingly step in.

Be gentle with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  If you need help, reach out for it.  You are loved beyond anything you could comprehend.

With much love and happiness in my heart,

Jennifer

It's my birthday!

I have had the best day.  I learned a long time ago that the secret to having a happy birthday was to have zero expectations.  That way, each thoughtful expression is a surprise!  It's been wonderful!

As I stop and reflect on this day, I am so incredibly grateful for where I stand today.  You all know how hard I have worked this last year to recover from a very dark time.  I have followed my spiritual path, I have changed my lifestyle, and I went to therapy.  I have made amazing progress.  Finally, last month, the last pieces fell into place.  With an added medication, I am able to relax again.  The fear is gone.  I don't have to work so hard to feel happy.  I'm me again.  I think to stay.

It's so funny how this Universe works.  Right before finding this medication, I went through the most stressful time.  I was finishing my second masters, attending an internship program, involved heavily at work, and interviewing for a career change.  Oh, and we're moving.  I used the tools I had, sometimes with desperation, to make it through each day.  Interviews were the worst.  My anxiety and PTSD clouded my thinking, and I'd loose my train of thought often.  I felt terrified, and waiting for a response was filled with thoughts of, "I just wasn't good enough".

But I did it.

I am pleased to announce that even through my anxiety, my PTSD, and my overloaded schedule, I was offered an assistant principal position.  They saw my value even though I was scared and not functioning my best.  I did it!

Finally, I know more about my future.  I know where I'll be living.  I know where I'll be working.  There is a path.

I am hopeful that I have come to the end of the dark time.  There are still hills to climb, but the way is a little clearer now.

For those who loved me along the way, thank you.  I couldn't have done it without you.

To those who I've hurt, I'm sorry.  My humanity was weak.

I know where my feet are today.  I know who my God is today.  I know that the miracle of Love will always win in the end.  I believe that with all my heart.  Love saved me once again, and I am grateful.

I don't think I'm the only one who was affected by the darkness of the last few years.  I know no one's story is exactly like mine, but we really went through it.  If you're still suffering, please reach out.  Please keep fighting to find the light again.  It's there.  I promise.  I don't know why life sometimes takes on the form of a black shadow, but I know it passes.  I choose to believe in Love until it's gone and I can see the sun again.  I've learned that sometimes, the process takes years.  But Healing is real.

So, today on my birthday, I look to the future with peace, love, and happiness in my heart.  It feels really good to be in a place where I'm not afraid and I know I am competent and capable of flourishing in all that is to come.  It's a good life.  It's a really good life.

Love leads us back.  May Love lead you Home.

Love, 

Jennifer

Mistakes

 It was a good week.  I feel confident that things are getting brighter.  I am very, very grateful.

It was a busy week for sure.  I am doing my internship, and I absolutely enjoy each day.  I am being exposed to all kinds of new and interesting scenarios.  This week, I had an opportunity to support my boss through a project and a chance to manage a certain situation.  I attacked both head on.  By Wednesday, I was feeling proud of myself for a job well done.

Then Thursday came.  On Thursday, I learned that the project I thought I had done so well was incomplete.  It was incomplete because I had not followed directions thoroughly.  And that situation I'd managed?  I realized I had failed to follow the plan and ended up causing someone distress.  By Thursday, I was not feeling quite so proud.

That evening was rough.  I had to be vigilant with my thoughts - the ego was trying to pull me down by judging me as a failure for letting people down .  I absolutely hate letting people down.  And yet, I had.  I worked on forgiving myself for my mistakes.  I know I'm my own harshest critic.  I tried to detach from accusing thoughts.   It was an evening of soothing self-talk to try to counteract the threat of my own condemnation.  Some moments, it worked.  Others, I kept trying.

Most times, it's very important to make things right.  I'm not always strong enough to do it immediately, but this time I did.  Well, at least within twenty-four hours.  I sent a heartfelt apology for my missteps.  I acknowledged what I had done, and made clear what I would do differently next time.  I stopped, read directions more carefully, and I fixed the project, even though it meant working late.

Mistakes happen.  Taking ownership matters.

I will admit, there are mistakes in my life that are still not resolved.  These I have come to peace with.  I have wrestled with them long enough to realize that the forgiveness I really need is my own.

If I could just manage to remember that mistakes, at least the kinds I made this week, mean I'm learning something new, I might be less critical of myself.  I very clearly learned two ways of doing things that I will not be repeating. And this was just the beginning.  The next several weeks will hold many opportunities to make mistakes and learn new things.  What is that statistic?  Successful people make how many times more mistakes than others do?  (Google wouldn't give me the exact numbers.)  The value of mistakes lies in the learning you take away.  That requires reflection.  That requires a willingness to change behavior.  It requires humility.  And it requires Grace.

I still don't like that I let them down.  But they forgave me.  I'm forgiving me.  Someone said, "We live, we learn, we communicate, and we keep pushing."  May we give each other such grace,

Remember,

"Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark."  

– Rachel Hollis 

Love,

Jennifer

PS - I was Googling that stat, and I found this.  Comforting and inspiring read!

https://www.lifehack.org/614300/high-achievers-are-the-ones-who-make-the-most-mistakes

Grace

Today didn't go as well as I'd hoped.  Today, I underperformed.  I could have done better.  That's the truth.

But then again, isn't it true that no matter how well we do, we could always do better?  No matter how well I performed, there would always be something I could have done to do it better.  

I know that I did  the best I could in the moment. Anxiety hit me hard today.  It invaded my thoughts and made coherent thinking difficult.  PTSD is real.

But there were also moments where my authentic voice came through.

When I think back to where I was two years ago, I remember not having a voice, almost incapable of true authenticity.  I've made a lot of progress.

Of course, my ego wants to dwell on the negatives.  I could very easily magnify them to terrifying proportions.  I've noticed I tend to catastrophize.  But today I know I can choose.  I can choose to go down the path that leads to fear, or I can give myself grace.

Tonight, I give myself grace. 

Many times, that's easier said than done.  Why is it that I can so easily extend bountiful grace to everyone but myself?  

I'm learning.  I'm learning to forgive accusing thoughts.  I'm learning that in the Universe's big, beautiful plan, there will be times when my imperfections shine through.  I believe it is for good reason.  I believe the Universe is working for the ultimate good, and sometimes failing at something closes just the right doors.

Tonight, I choose to trust the Universe.  I choose to trust God's love and perfect plan.  I am grateful for how far I've come and what I accomplished by taking the risk.  I'm proud of myself for trying.

May you find peace on the rough days.

Love,

Jennifer