I fixed my own dishwasher again.
Some of you may remember how this blog began. It was a promise to myself to go 365 days without a man. Those who were following closely enough saw that, counting down, I only made it to day 291. That’s 73 days. That was when the best husband I’ve ever known came into my life.
He left my life on August 17, 2025. I haven’t been strong enough to blog since then.
But today I fixed my own dishwasher.
I have known for many years that everything that exist in this version of life is curriculum. Every single detail. And while we may learn on some levels to some degree, the Great Loving Universe is never content in letting us settle for anything less than infinite growth and expansion.
I am only just beginning to understand what within me needs healing. A storm, the most intense and long-lasting storm I’ve ever known, raged on for 18 months. The devastation was widespread throughout my mind and my body. The chasm between my spirit and my terrified ego grew wide. I forgot everything about Who I am, what Love is, and how much the Divine values me.
In February of this year, I finally surrendered. The damage in my psyche had manifested in my nervous system. My body could no longer restore itself. Almost the whole right side of my body was in a state of constant contraction, and not just mild contraction. Holding onto the side of a cliff with your toes wrapped around the grass type of contraction. And simply letting go was no longer feasible.
My brain and my stubborn will thought I could keep going. And I tried. But I began to miss work. I was only sleeping two hours a night because of the constantly returning sensation of my right hand feeling like it was on fire due to nerve compression in my cervical spine. I finally admitted I couldn’t go on. I was granted medical leave, and as of today, I have not yet returned to work.
The purpose of the curriculum, of course, is to help us remember just Who we are and the majesty of What we are.
The storm was so incredibly painful. I witnessed those I love go through hell. And I tried to save them. And I was unsuccessful. And somewhere in the middle of the storm, I realized that my only option was to disengage.
I have spent the last 30 years loving other people, taking care of other people. For the last 13, there were no boundaries. I took care of everyone at work. I took care of everyone at home. I thought I could save everyone. I thought I had enough love and that I was strong enough to do it.
The part of the lesson I hadn’t even considered yet was that you have to wash your own feet too.
I remember the first time I did that, months ago now. I was in the shower, washing as usual, and I decided to scrub my feet. That's when Yeshua told me…You have to wash your own feet too.
That may have been the introduction to what has unfolded.
I began to realize that self-care was a foreign concept to me.
I had become a vessel full of pain, conflict, baggage, defense, self-punishment, and sorrow. It’s still quite a chaotic mess.
But when I retreated from life in February, claimed my space in this amazing house on the river, and the pace began to slow, my spirit began guiding me towards healing.
All I know today is that my mind is still split between my spirit and my ego. But I can identify the ego now. I know when it is speaking. I know when it is tempting me to push, to rush, to control, to abandon my Self. I want to be rid of it. But attacking it is just the ego's way of protecting its existence.
I also know that all this ego nonsense, and all these storms, do not change Who or What we were created to Be.
And I am learning, that if I can see the Perfection in you, I can experience healing.
I’m certainly not very good at it yet. But I’m going to go stand downtown today with 7000 other people who are united in knowing that Love Wins, and I know it will make me stronger.
I love you. I will always love you. And I pray that someday I know that I mean that with every distinct Being I have ever crossed paths with.
For that is what this Universe is all about.
Love,
Jeni Lynn
