Day 362 - Think Before You Speak

Wow.  Are we at day 362 already?  See?  These 365 days without a man are just flying by.

So, I bought this calendar a couple months back - a 2012 calendar with cool and trendy motivational sayings for each month.  It's black and white and says some very positive and uplifting and empowering things.  I decided it would be perfect for this little project I've got going.  I'd number the days backwards until the time is up - Christmas of 2012.  I'd hang it on my bathroom mirror where I can see it everyday.

Except, I can't find the dang thing.  It sat on my dresser forever, still wrapped in plastic, and I guess in one of my rare moments of cleaning, I put it in a more respectful place.  And now I can't find it.  I haven't given up looking - I'm sure it will turn up.  But it's mysterious disappearance led to yet another fine lesson for Jennifer - signed, sealed, and delivered straight from God.

I was reaching behind the dresser to see if it had fallen when my hand touched something calendar like, so I pulled it out.  It wasn't the calendar, it was a card.  A card I didn't even remember seeing before.  I could tell by the front that it was a boyfriend (or husband) relationship card, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where or when it had come from.  So I looked inside.

Inside, I found the most loving words ever.  "I love you...I realized today that in you, God has given me everything I ever wanted.  Your expressions of love - in word, thought, touch, and action, are what I always hoped for...I love you.  I want you to have my heart."  Beautiful, huh?

Except, the card was from me.  To an ex-boyfriend.  An ex-boyfriend I broke up with.  An ex-boyfriend that I had broken up with because, in the end, I knew the relationship lacked the things I  needed - love and emotional intimacy and connection. Oops.

Hmmm.  Guess I'm not so smart after all, huh?

Wow.  Now I have an actual tangible piece of evidence - exhibit A, we'll call it - that shows me in black and white (and a pretty blue) that Jennifer has no flipping clue what is best for her.  A piece of evidence that proves I shouldn't be so quick to jump in, to declare my undying love, to think that "this is the One."  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut for awhile.  Like a whole year.

And it makes me sorry.  Sorry I said those things when in the end, they weren't true.  Sort of like when someone said them to me, and it the end, they weren't true.  It hurts when someone says those things, but in the end, doesn't mean them.  At least not forever.  Maybe those words are too powerful and shouldn't be said...until...until when?

Maybe there's a time of high emotion in a new relationship that one enjoys but must be careful and vigilant with their words.  And only if the relationship stands the test of time should one say those kinds of things.  I don't know.  I'm not in a relationship, so I have no idea.

Gonna put that card somewhere where I can see it for awhile.  I need to remember the lesson of that card.  Pretty important stuff.  Life stuff.  And that's what this year is all about.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 364 - Maybe I Can't Choose My Reaction, but I Can Choose My Response

It started as a beautiful morning.  Smiles on my children's faces as their father came to pick them up for what could be a week long break for me.  Ahhh....a day all to myself.  What should I do with it?  I stayed in my pajamas as long as possible until I had to get cleaned up to meet my friend for coffee.

I was excited to tell her about my idea.  This idea of 365 days without a man.  (364 left, by the way).  I was almost giddy.  And I felt strong and empowered.  She said I was crazy.

Then we talked some more.  We talked for two hours about the possibilities of what could be the most meaningful year of our lives.  A year without drama, at least not self-inflicted drama.  A year of family - the ones we've been blessed with, not the one we don't have.  A year of peace and contentment.  A whole year get to know who we really are and to fall madly and deeply in love with that person, maybe so much so that we'd never make a poor choice in a man again.

Then "HE" emailed.

I swear, I checked my phone, just for a half a second, and BAM!  Right between the (ahem) eyes.  The name I'd been hoping to see for what seems like forever finally popped up on my email.  And I freaked out.

Not a nice little dainty freak out, I mean a full fledged, head on, freak out.  Like stopped breathing and started shaking and paced the coffee shop like a mad woman freaked out.  Immediate crying.  BLECK.

Now, if this isn't a good enough reason to take a year off men, well, then I don't know what is.

I didn't even read the email.  My friend did.  It wasn't worth reading, she said.  It didn't say, I was wrong, you are the woman for me, I love you with all my heart and I'm ready to give it to you for real this time, and I'll never take it away again.  It didn't say anything like that, she told me.  It was basically a thank you card.  A thoughtless, insensitive, cruel thank you card.  We deleted it.  And his email address....again.  From both email accounts...again.

Probably took two more hours for my breathing to return to normal and to stop shaking.  Thirty-nine years old, and I've never experienced this kind of CRAP before...this intense physical response to a person.  It sucks.

So, I took a nap.

I didn't email him back.  I didn't text him.  I didn't drive by his house.  I don't even remember his email adress or phone number.  Score a point for me.

Does he have to know my reaction to his thoughtless note?  Nope.  Never.  You all don't even know him, and those of you who do...I know you'll never tell.

I woke from my nap, feeling refreshed.  I went to meet with a group of friends.  I went to the drug store for eye drops since my beautiful youngest son gave me pink eye.  I came home.  I made soup.  As soon as I post this, I am going to watch Lake House, which I've been wanting to see for what seems like weeks, and when I saw it on sale at Best Buy, I bought it for myself for Christmas.  And tonight, I will watch it.  Because I can.  Because tonight I can do whatever I damn well please, and that means I can choose NOT to respond to someone's insensitivity and I can choose NOT to lamblast his character all over the internet and I can choose NOT to drown my sorrows and I can choose, instead, to love me, to care for me, and to do...the next right thing.

Day 364...almost over.  I won today.  I won the battle I rage against myself at times.  I don't understand why hurtful things happen.  But they do.  And I will recover.  One day at a time.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

The New Year

Ahh....Christams is over.  A wonderful time was had by all.  A time of love and children's smiles and remembering how much Jesus and our Father loves us.  For me, it was also a time of pain.  A time of saying goodbye to what never was.  A time of finally releasing my hold on that big boulder I was carrying around in my backpack.  I may pick it up again, but for today, I let go.

So, now I'm thinking about 2012.  The Mayans and whoever else said this will be our last hoorah.  Who knows?  I certainly don't.  And, I really don't care.

But I did start thinking about what I want this next year.  And I got an idea.  A really big "What if?" idea.  And I may not be fully comitted, but I think I might be.

What if 2012 was MY year?  What if 2012 was the year I spent content with what has been given me?  What if, in 2012, I DIDN'T seek out a relationship?  What if for one whole year, I spent time with just me...and my children...and my beautiful and loving friends?  What if I learned to be happy with things just the way they are?

What if I focused my efforts on being the best mom I am RIGHT NOW.  What if I could be the best teacher I am RIGHT NOW.  What if I could be the best friend I can be...RIGHT NOW.

What if I learned to let go of what I don't have, what I never had, and what I really don't need.

What if I learned to be at peace?  For a whole year.  What if I learned to really balance my budget...all by myself.  What if I learned to be strong and beautiful...all on my own...and I loved who I was and shone the beauty of that person for all to see and love.

What if I really loved others?  Deeply and compassionately, as well as passionately, with the same love that God has given to me - to all of us.

What if I went back to yoga class - where I learned to be strong and independent.  What if I kept getting my master's degree and continued on the path God has put me on - this time without getting sidetracked.  What if I continued to show those at work that I am strong and brave and intelligent and articulate and wise?  What if I learned to communicate with those who disagree with me?  What if I learned to love those who hurt me?  What if I was a voice for all those who needed help?  What if I let God use me?

What if I didn't chase a man this year?  What if I was happy just to be me - independent and strong.  What if I lived peacefully and independently in this beautiful home that God has given me, with these beautiful boys that God has given me, loving and being loved by the wonderful friends God has given me, being a faithful sister and daughter to the family God has given me.  What if I was what God intended me to be - for one whole year.

365 days.  A blink.  Can I do it?  I don't know.  Does God have other intentions?  I don't know.  And it doesn't really matter.  'Cause I'm willing.  And He knows it.

Until next Christmas - single, content, living, loving - Jennifer.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Merry Christmas

Hey, you out there.  Yeah, you.  You, the one with the broken heart that I couldn't fix.  The one I loved with all my heart and soul.  The one I still love.  The one who broke my heart and who I should think is completely crazy.  But I don't.  I miss you.

Hey, you.  It's Christmas.  Are you alone?  Are you not?  Are you happy?  Are you joyous?  Are you the peaceful you want so desperately to be?

Have you let go of your hate yet?  I doubt it.  It was pretty strong.  Did you know I would have loved you through all that hate?  I would have.  I guess I shouldn't have, for in truth, I am not.  But I would have.  If you had let me.

One part of my mind doesn't want to be anywhere near you.  I ache when I have to see you.  I am in pain.  I think of you all the time, and it hurts my soul.  You are the boulder in my backpack I don't know how to get rid of.  "Let it go."  Right.  I wish I could.  I so wish I could.

The other part of my mind loves you.  I think of what should have been.  I think of what could have been.  I hope and pray you'll be around the next corner.  I hope and pray and thank God that you're not.  Then I look for you again around the next.

This hurts.  Merry Christmas.

Reality Check

Thank you, God, for what I do have.

Thank you, God, for my beautiful children.

Thank you for my amazing friends.

Thank you for my job.

Thank you that I am enjoying my job.

Thank you for my comfortable home.

Thank you for a car that runs.

Thank you for the food you provide to me and my family.

Thank you for your Loving Presence in my life and in my soul.

Thank you for a time of family and love and togetherness.

Thank you for a sound mind.

Thank you for giving me a loving heart and an appreciation of peace.

Thank you for a healthy body that functions as it should.

Thank you for the daily lessons, even the ones I don't yet understand.

Thank you for the gifts I have not yet received.

Thank you.


Sincerely,
Jennifer

What's Important

Someone said my words have been a blessing.

That is why I write them.

We need each other.  Badly.  We live our lives, rushing from one responsibility to the next, trying to do the best we can, often giving until there is nothing left.  It leaves us feeling exhausted, used up, and irritable.  We wonder when someone will give to us as much as we give to others.  It isn't fair, we sometimes think.

It isn't fair.  No one ever said this was about being fair.  As the Bare Naked Ladies say, "I think it's time to make this something more than only fair."

We need something more than fair.  We need love.

Fair doesn't even exist within the realm of love.  Love is so much greater than fair.

Think of God's amazing love.  Nothing fair about that, eh?

It's time for a paradigm shift.  It's time for a change in our understanding.

When we love, we experience love.  When we open ourselves up to communicating our need for love, we experience love.  Love is unlike anything our human minds can comprehend.  We see the world in terms of limited resources.  Love is something completely different.  It is in loving, even during the hard, awful, and painful parts, that we are saved from the harsh realities of life.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing...[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."


Let's love each other, shall we?

No one gets out of this game alive.  And all these things we think are so damn important....well, they aren't.  A hundred years from now, will any of this matter?

Love will still matter.

Remember what's important.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Perspective

"My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are your ways My ways.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours."

Thank God.

You know, I am so glad I'm not in charge.

There is so much crazy in the world, so much dysfunction.  Some people are so hurt that they cannot keep from hurting others.  And so the cycle continues.

And yet, despite all our worst efforts, He continues to love us.  He continues to guide us and lead us, beckoning us on to green pastures and still waters.

There are some people in this world I will never understand.  I don't know how they became so hurt.  I don't know why they choose to carry their resentments like torches, burning themselves and those who try to care about them.  I just don't get it.

But...
 

People are often unreasonable, illogical,
and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some
false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone
could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

  The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.    Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

   You see, in the FINAL analysis,
it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

(The FINAL Analysis - Written by Dr. Kent M. Keith )

  

...and so I continue the journey.

Sincerely,

Jennifer