"I am sorry."
The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language. And I got to hear them. And the other person meant them.
And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.
Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes.
Anyway...freedom. I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders. I am free. I can breathe. I can smile and really mean it. You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!" I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.
We hurt each other. We do. It's part of the human condition. But we can also say, "I am sorry."
Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to? Many. Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry? Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them? I hadn't. But now I will.
Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words. Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.
I am sorry.
Three little words. Mean all the freedom in the world. I have my life back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 345 - Run, Forrest, Run
Has it already been 20 days since I decided to take a year off from chasing a man? Wow, how time flies.
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 346 - One Moment at a Time
Ahhhh....my blog. Yes, it has been a while since I've posted. I am sorry.
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Day 353 - Humility
Well, it's been 12 days since I decided to take a year off from pursuing a man (thirteen if you count that whole leap year confusion). How do I feel today? Like poo. Again.
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day 358 - The Haunting Continues
Day 359 and 358 have not been great days. Yesterday, day 359 of 365 days without men, should have been a great day. It was Sunday and I got to go to my church. I love my church. It is real, and God is there. I always feel wonderful when I go to church. Except for yesterday.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” | |
 Mary Anne Radmacher Sincerely, Jennifer |
Friday, December 30, 2011
Day 361, part 2 - Another Piece of My Heart Back
I apologize. I know I already wrote today. But that was at like 2:00 this morning, so surely you'll forgive me for writing more. Besides, what I found today was too good. I had to share.
If you haven't yet bought the book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, buy it. Read it. Read it. Read it. I cannot suggest it strongly enough. Read it.
These words are hers alone, I take no credit. Although, I suspect they are not even her words. God is speaking to her, to me, to you, through these words. Listen to what they said to me today.
"I AM LEADING YOU along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self - the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people.
"Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me."
- December 30, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, 2004.
That is why I love my God so much. He knows me. He loves me. He has infinite gifts He is just waiting to give me. If only I will receive.
When my heart broke recently, my faith was almost shattered. You see, when I found that man, I found a relationship that God was so obviously creating. And when that man abandoned me, I was lost. I didn't question him so much (although cynicism has helped to create some blame), but I did question God. How could God be so obviously working, just to dump me on my...butt.
And where did God GO after all this was over? What happened to all those little miracles I saw everyday? Why did He disappear so suddenly?
Now, the realistic part of my brain, or at least the Southern-Baptist-raised part, knew He hadn't gone anywhere. I knew it was me. I even knew that my doubt and fear had taken over. I was choosing not to trust Him. 'Cause trusting Him had hurt me. Really, really badly.
So, today after reading this - and again hearing His voice so obviously speaking directly to me - I formed a new thought. Yes, in recent weeks, my heart has been smashed against the rocks. I have been broken into more pieces than I can count. Huge chunks of Jennifer lay all around me.
I thought what I was supposed to do when that happened was to gather all those pieces into my arms and bravely get up and keep walking.
But today, I'm looking at those broken off pieces a little more carefully. That one there looks an awful lot like Pride. And this one, appears to be Doubt. And all those sharp shards over there...yep, Fear. I see Self-Protection and Self-Sufficiency. Eww, and that really ugly one seems to resemble Idolatry - putting a human before God.
Hmmm.
So, is this Exhibit B? More evidence that Jennifer doesn't always know what's best for Jennifer? But maybe, just maybe, God does?
Did I need to break apart to have some more of those ugly pieces fall away?
Maybe.
I don't get to see the Big Picture. I only get to see right now. And I want very badly to do Right Now well.
Thank you, God, for your loving care for me. Thank you for your perfect Plan for me. Even when I don't get it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
If you haven't yet bought the book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, buy it. Read it. Read it. Read it. I cannot suggest it strongly enough. Read it.
These words are hers alone, I take no credit. Although, I suspect they are not even her words. God is speaking to her, to me, to you, through these words. Listen to what they said to me today.
"I AM LEADING YOU along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self - the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people.
"Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me."
- December 30, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, 2004.
That is why I love my God so much. He knows me. He loves me. He has infinite gifts He is just waiting to give me. If only I will receive.
When my heart broke recently, my faith was almost shattered. You see, when I found that man, I found a relationship that God was so obviously creating. And when that man abandoned me, I was lost. I didn't question him so much (although cynicism has helped to create some blame), but I did question God. How could God be so obviously working, just to dump me on my...butt.
And where did God GO after all this was over? What happened to all those little miracles I saw everyday? Why did He disappear so suddenly?
Now, the realistic part of my brain, or at least the Southern-Baptist-raised part, knew He hadn't gone anywhere. I knew it was me. I even knew that my doubt and fear had taken over. I was choosing not to trust Him. 'Cause trusting Him had hurt me. Really, really badly.
So, today after reading this - and again hearing His voice so obviously speaking directly to me - I formed a new thought. Yes, in recent weeks, my heart has been smashed against the rocks. I have been broken into more pieces than I can count. Huge chunks of Jennifer lay all around me.
I thought what I was supposed to do when that happened was to gather all those pieces into my arms and bravely get up and keep walking.
But today, I'm looking at those broken off pieces a little more carefully. That one there looks an awful lot like Pride. And this one, appears to be Doubt. And all those sharp shards over there...yep, Fear. I see Self-Protection and Self-Sufficiency. Eww, and that really ugly one seems to resemble Idolatry - putting a human before God.
Hmmm.
So, is this Exhibit B? More evidence that Jennifer doesn't always know what's best for Jennifer? But maybe, just maybe, God does?
Did I need to break apart to have some more of those ugly pieces fall away?
Maybe.
I don't get to see the Big Picture. I only get to see right now. And I want very badly to do Right Now well.
Thank you, God, for your loving care for me. Thank you for your perfect Plan for me. Even when I don't get it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Day 361...Again
So, I got my calendar all numbered. You know, the one where I count down the 365 days that I will NOT actively pursue a relationship with a man. And I was very, very careful about my numbering since I was doing it with a Sharpie, and I didn't want to mess up. But as I finished - I had started on December 24, 2012 with the number 1 and went backwards - I noticed that something wasn't quite right. Yesterday, which was Thursday, should have been Day 361, but according to the calendar, today - Friday - was day 361. It was quite disconcerting. I double checked my numbers. They were all correct. Hmmm.
So, I let it go for a day or so. I continued living my life, but all the while, it was nagging at the back of my mind. Where did that extra day come from? At least two days went by, and the mystery remained unsolved.
Oh. Leap year.
See, that's the thing about my brain. It's not perfect. Sometimes the answer to a problem will be so obvious, yet I still miss it. Other times, (and my apologies - again - to those of you who have experienced this with me) I will somehow plan two elaborately detailed events, never realizing that I planned them for the exact same time. Or, there's the time or two I've forgotten to pick up my children. That was a killer.
Or how about the times I run late? Or I forget a birthday. Or I fail to put gas in my car in time. (Actually, that one was more of an adventure.)
How about when my house is a mess and I let it stay that way for a while? Or when I don't put clean laundry away for weeks. Or when I stay in my pajamas until 5 p.m. Or when I work too hard. Or when I cry. Or when I get angry. Or when I just plain fail.
See, my point is, I'm not perfect. And I'm okay with that today. There was a time I wasn't. And I was crazy and very difficult to be around. I like to think I'm a nicer person today. I know how to let go of the imperfections.
A friend told me yesterday that part of my problem is I always want more. But I don't think that's a problem. I do always want more. I always want to BE more. I always want to LEARN more. I always want to ENJOY more. And the only way I've found to do that successfully is to let go of most of the expectations I place on myself and others.
A guy I dated recently (yep, same one - see how my attitude is changing?) wanted me to be perfect. He said that the girl who got frustrated wasn't the authentic me. BS.
The authentic me IS imperfect. And I love it that way. I forgive myself when I forget. I forgive myself when I foul up. And I'm learning to forgive myself even when I fail.
Jane Fonda is reported to have said, "We need to help (each other) really internalize the message that good enough is good enough. We don't need to be perfect. We're not supposed to be perfect; we're supposed to be complete. And you can't be complete if you're trying to be perfect."
The Bible says it too: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." God's grace has erased our imperfections. Shouldn't we do the same for ourselves and for each other?
Life gets messy. Get over it. Live it. Love it. Enjoy not having to be perfect.
Works for me.
Sincerely, Jennifer
So, I let it go for a day or so. I continued living my life, but all the while, it was nagging at the back of my mind. Where did that extra day come from? At least two days went by, and the mystery remained unsolved.
Oh. Leap year.
See, that's the thing about my brain. It's not perfect. Sometimes the answer to a problem will be so obvious, yet I still miss it. Other times, (and my apologies - again - to those of you who have experienced this with me) I will somehow plan two elaborately detailed events, never realizing that I planned them for the exact same time. Or, there's the time or two I've forgotten to pick up my children. That was a killer.
Or how about the times I run late? Or I forget a birthday. Or I fail to put gas in my car in time. (Actually, that one was more of an adventure.)
How about when my house is a mess and I let it stay that way for a while? Or when I don't put clean laundry away for weeks. Or when I stay in my pajamas until 5 p.m. Or when I work too hard. Or when I cry. Or when I get angry. Or when I just plain fail.
See, my point is, I'm not perfect. And I'm okay with that today. There was a time I wasn't. And I was crazy and very difficult to be around. I like to think I'm a nicer person today. I know how to let go of the imperfections.
A friend told me yesterday that part of my problem is I always want more. But I don't think that's a problem. I do always want more. I always want to BE more. I always want to LEARN more. I always want to ENJOY more. And the only way I've found to do that successfully is to let go of most of the expectations I place on myself and others.
A guy I dated recently (yep, same one - see how my attitude is changing?) wanted me to be perfect. He said that the girl who got frustrated wasn't the authentic me. BS.
The authentic me IS imperfect. And I love it that way. I forgive myself when I forget. I forgive myself when I foul up. And I'm learning to forgive myself even when I fail.
Jane Fonda is reported to have said, "We need to help (each other) really internalize the message that good enough is good enough. We don't need to be perfect. We're not supposed to be perfect; we're supposed to be complete. And you can't be complete if you're trying to be perfect."
The Bible says it too: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." God's grace has erased our imperfections. Shouldn't we do the same for ourselves and for each other?
Life gets messy. Get over it. Live it. Love it. Enjoy not having to be perfect.
Works for me.
Sincerely, Jennifer
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