I'm Sorry

I'm sorry to those I worried.  I'm okay.  Or at least a version of okay.

It's like I imagine a near knock-out in a title fight.  You've been hit, but you keep fighting.  You're blindsided, but you take the punch and come back for more.  You keep swinging, knowing that no matter how much it stings, no matter how cut up you are, you have to keep going.

And then it comes.  That punch to the gut.  That hit that drives the air from your lungs, and you begin falling in slow motion towards the mat.  You see it happening.  You can't stop it.  And while you know more than anything that you are strong enough to stay on your feet, life has other plans.

So you fall.  And you hit that floor hard.  And you lay there stunned.

And in the back of your mind, you hear that countdown begin.  And you're tempted to pass out into peacefulness and let that countdown end.

But you don't.  Because you know you can't.  And you know you won't.  You just have to rest just a moment more, then you'll get back up.

And you do.


If you wonder why I write, it is because it is my art.  It is where my heart and my hands come together to create.  You may wonder why I write to YOU.  It is because someday, somewhere, you will stand in my shoes, just as I have stood in yours.  We all suffer.  We all break.  We get that call.  We watch the ones we love start to drown in their own humanity.  Or we begin to drown in our own.

I write because I have survived.  I have survived my own humanity and the humanity of the ones I love.  I write because I can still see the sunshine - most days.  I write because I learned that on the darkest of days, I can still thank God for feet that keep me standing.

We all fall.  We all lose our breath.  He picks us back up through the hearts and hands of those who love us.  It's okay to rest in the dark.  Love can handle the dark.

Love,
Jennifer


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I Can't Even Begin

My brain can't process the last two weeks.

I won't begin to tell you here or now what has transpired.  Some of it is too private. Some of it is too scary.  Mostly, I'm not ready to deal with it yet.

I have never had such a time in my life as I have had in the last two weeks.  What stands out to me most (for now) is the intensity and the painful waiting that occurred.  While there were many decisions that had to be made, none could be made until the present, painful, and seemingly unending moment had passed.  And once it did, it only served to bring me to the next present, painful, and seemingly unending moment.  I didn't wallow in the pain.  There wasn't time for that.  In a life or death situation when moments are ticking by like century marks, but there are no answers except for, We'll  have to wait and see - pain is not an option.  Pain is not an option because it would consume you and obliterate any chance of rational decision making.

I'm home now.  Life has returned to  "normal".  I'm back in my comfortable place again.  But there is so, so  much to face.  I'm not ready.

So I will post to my blog.  I will  read my chick lit.  I will eat my Oreos and do the laundry.  Because I need time to stand still for just a little while longer.  I need to rest before I pick up the cross and move forward again.

For just a few more moments, remembering what's important may be too much for me to bear.

That time will come. Just not yet. Please.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

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Better Things

So, I deleted my Facebook app on my phone.

I mean, I love you guys, I really do.  But every time I wasted an hour scrolling, I gave a little bit of my soul away.  Between the political turmoil, media's lies, and the unending ads, I always felt a little dead inside when I would finally put my phone down.  I don't have time to feel dead inside.

I'm smart enough to know that life is short.  Many days, it doesn't feel short.  Some days it feels like the day or week will never end.  Sometimes pain seems to draw out the hours.  Some seasons seem to last forever.  But they never do.

The truth is, life IS short.  And as I've perhaps said before, you don't get a second chance to do this thing called life.  There is no dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal, folks.

Therefore, I find myself (again) at the point of remembering what's important.

Above all, for me, peace is important.  Peace is what I sell the quickest.  I've sold it for money, for admiration, for power, for control, for "love" and for salvation.  I abandon peace in my mind first as I listen to the thoughts that my ego throws at me - You have to, You should, You shouldn't, You need, You want.  Then I follow the thoughts and wring out the peace from my body and soul as well.  Then I'm left spent and empty and hollow and dry.

Connection matters too.  And I have tried so many times to follow the phrase, Jesus, Others, You.  But the truth for me is that I have to find connection to myself and my Holy Spirit first and foremost. I have to be grounded in the Meaning that is in my soul.  Then there is an abundance to give from.  I absolutely have to feel connected or I am lost.

I know love matters most of all.  The changes in my life over the last four years caused me to scramble for balance.  And the more I scrambled, the more unbalanced I became.  A friend of mine says I am so, so loving.  But I want to be better.  I want to remember how to love my children unconditionally and not get frustrated with them.  I want to love my step-children.  I want to be the vessel of God's love for all that I meet.  I'm not yet.

But I'm better.  I'm closer.  I'm so much happier in the place I am now than I have been.

One thing I know - Slow Down.  The world's pace is insane.  You will kill your soul if you try to keep up.  You will stumble as you go.  Accept the stumble.  Choose to walk slower.  Choose to breathe slower.  Choose to savor touch and smells and light.  Meditate.  Sit outside.  Snuggle.  These are the foundation of the love I need back in my life.

So, I may not see you on Facebook.  But hopefully some will accept my offering of words and meet me here.  I want better things - for myself, for you, for all of us.  I want meaning, connection, peace and love.  May we hold each other close.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Change

Can I be honest?

Well, I guess I should catch you up first.  After all, it's been several months since I've written.  And a few years before that.  As you may know, I married the man of my dreams (yes, the one I hooked up with during my "Year Without Men" - You're funny, God.), I aquired three new children (yes, that makes six), got my dream job, earned some respect from my friends and my family, got to help and love a LOT of people, and, Lord willing, will be moving into my dream home next week.

I'm exhausted.

I know, I know.  I truly am blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve or accomplish myself.  God has given me more than I could have ever imagined.  And I work very, very hard to keep all these blessings running smoothly.

In all my blessings, I forgot how to be still.

Change is hard.  Big life changes are especially stressful.  And I've had my share of big life changes.  All good ones, to be true, but even the good ones create stress.  And with every change, there are all kinds of "to-do"s that capture my attention and hold it hostage.  Take this move, for example.  I've lived in the same house with my three children for over ten years.  We also aquired four new roommates along the way.  You can't imagine how much "stuff" we've accumulated.  And it all has to be packed and accounted for.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's not that much "stuff".  So, why does my heart ache as I move through rooms that are beginning to look emptier and emptier as the stacks of packed boxes grow?

My heart finally broke tonight.  As part of this transition, my oldest baby is moving out.  I spent the evening helping him take down posters and pack gaming systems in boxes.  It's the right thing for him to do - it's time.  But it hurts so bad.  If you know me well, you know I joke a lot about how awful having six children is.  But I just want my baby back.

Change is hard.  And I think maybe this is the hardest change yet.  If I had written last week, you would have heard me say how excited I am - how amazing the house is, how wonderful to be closer to my friends and family, how much better things will be!  And I know I'm exhausted from packing and that I have worn my soul thin - but I'm scared.  And my heart hurts.  And I want my baby back.  And I want to know that everything is going to be okay - that my children will never leave me, that my parents will never die, and that I'm not going to hate my new living room.

I've been through a lot of changes in my life.  But this time, I'm scared.  And very, very tired.  This time, I can tell that the changes are outside of my control.

Perhaps it is time to remember that I'm not the One in control.

Send good vibes my way.  Remind me to breathe.  In fact, tell me to Be Still.  Someone once said that was a good idea.  

And please pray I don't hate my new livving room.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

It's Time

It's time.

FINALLY...it's time.

It's time to come home again.

It's time to feel the peace and coziness again.

Are there things not right?  Yes.

But I accept them.

This path calls for intention, not performance.

Intentions of gentle strength,

Intentions of self-care and patient love.

Thank God, it's time.

I Will Try Again Tomorrow

Today is not a good day.  Neither was Friday nor Saturday.  Three days of funk.  I'm not grateful or happy.  Though I still continue to thank God.

I guess there is a part of me that wants to be good on my own merit.  I want to be considered good because of what I did.  I want to be praised for my accomplishments.

But God looks at me and simply says,

"You don't have any."

"Everything you have - I gave you.  Every molecule of oxygen, those coffee cups, a joyful heart - all of it, I gave you."

So, what does that leave me when I can't feel you're gifts?

Faith.  The courage to keep believing.

But courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

World Changers

So, I heard a new song yesterday - "World Changers", by Matthew West.  It's a great song.  You should really stop and listen to it if you're a teacher.  Or a mom.  Or a nurse or a doctor or a dad or you just generally care about humanity.

I immediately sent the lyrics to a teacher friend of mine.  When she got them, she responded in a text - "This is beautiful!  Thank you very much!!!!"

That got me thinking.

When I graduated from college, my sister gave me a card.  Here's what it said:

You Can Make a Difference

You don't have to be smarter, faster,
stronger, richer, or more tallented
than anyone else.

You don't need a lifetime
to get ready.

It only takkes courage now.

When the truth needs to be said,
When the work needs to be done,
When the help needs to be given....

You can make a difference.

By earning people's trust and
Giving them your repect,
You can help build a world where
Good things happen
For all of us.

Because the only reason there is for being alive
Is to make the most of what you have.
Your Time.
Your Ideas.
Your Love.

That's all you need.

You can make a difference.


Of course, it took me a few decades to realize the truth in this.  For a long time, I thought making a difference meant working myself to the bone in a world where it hardly even matterrs.  And it does mean that.  But it also means having the courage and taking the time to reach out and be kind.

"That is so beautiful!  Thank you so much!!!!!", she said.

I picked a hard career.  But so is life.  There is stress, there is fear, there is exhaustion.  There is failure, and there is pain.  There are doubts, and there are broken people.

But there is also beauty.  And there is also Love.

Today, when there is a kind word to be said, I say it.  When there is support to be given, I give it.  When there is beauty to see, I show it.  When there is love to be shared, I share it.

And if I can do all that,
so can you.

You can make a difference.