Mistakes

 It was a good week.  I feel confident that things are getting brighter.  I am very, very grateful.

It was a busy week for sure.  I am doing my internship, and I absolutely enjoy each day.  I am being exposed to all kinds of new and interesting scenarios.  This week, I had an opportunity to support my boss through a project and a chance to manage a certain situation.  I attacked both head on.  By Wednesday, I was feeling proud of myself for a job well done.

Then Thursday came.  On Thursday, I learned that the project I thought I had done so well was incomplete.  It was incomplete because I had not followed directions thoroughly.  And that situation I'd managed?  I realized I had failed to follow the plan and ended up causing someone distress.  By Thursday, I was not feeling quite so proud.

That evening was rough.  I had to be vigilant with my thoughts - the ego was trying to pull me down by judging me as a failure for letting people down .  I absolutely hate letting people down.  And yet, I had.  I worked on forgiving myself for my mistakes.  I know I'm my own harshest critic.  I tried to detach from accusing thoughts.   It was an evening of soothing self-talk to try to counteract the threat of my own condemnation.  Some moments, it worked.  Others, I kept trying.

Most times, it's very important to make things right.  I'm not always strong enough to do it immediately, but this time I did.  Well, at least within twenty-four hours.  I sent a heartfelt apology for my missteps.  I acknowledged what I had done, and made clear what I would do differently next time.  I stopped, read directions more carefully, and I fixed the project, even though it meant working late.

Mistakes happen.  Taking ownership matters.

I will admit, there are mistakes in my life that are still not resolved.  These I have come to peace with.  I have wrestled with them long enough to realize that the forgiveness I really need is my own.

If I could just manage to remember that mistakes, at least the kinds I made this week, mean I'm learning something new, I might be less critical of myself.  I very clearly learned two ways of doing things that I will not be repeating. And this was just the beginning.  The next several weeks will hold many opportunities to make mistakes and learn new things.  What is that statistic?  Successful people make how many times more mistakes than others do?  (Google wouldn't give me the exact numbers.)  The value of mistakes lies in the learning you take away.  That requires reflection.  That requires a willingness to change behavior.  It requires humility.  And it requires Grace.

I still don't like that I let them down.  But they forgave me.  I'm forgiving me.  Someone said, "We live, we learn, we communicate, and we keep pushing."  May we give each other such grace,

Remember,

"Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark."  

– Rachel Hollis 

Love,

Jennifer

PS - I was Googling that stat, and I found this.  Comforting and inspiring read!

https://www.lifehack.org/614300/high-achievers-are-the-ones-who-make-the-most-mistakes

Grace

Today didn't go as well as I'd hoped.  Today, I underperformed.  I could have done better.  That's the truth.

But then again, isn't it true that no matter how well we do, we could always do better?  No matter how well I performed, there would always be something I could have done to do it better.  

I know that I did  the best I could in the moment. Anxiety hit me hard today.  It invaded my thoughts and made coherent thinking difficult.  PTSD is real.

But there were also moments where my authentic voice came through.

When I think back to where I was two years ago, I remember not having a voice, almost incapable of true authenticity.  I've made a lot of progress.

Of course, my ego wants to dwell on the negatives.  I could very easily magnify them to terrifying proportions.  I've noticed I tend to catastrophize.  But today I know I can choose.  I can choose to go down the path that leads to fear, or I can give myself grace.

Tonight, I give myself grace. 

Many times, that's easier said than done.  Why is it that I can so easily extend bountiful grace to everyone but myself?  

I'm learning.  I'm learning to forgive accusing thoughts.  I'm learning that in the Universe's big, beautiful plan, there will be times when my imperfections shine through.  I believe it is for good reason.  I believe the Universe is working for the ultimate good, and sometimes failing at something closes just the right doors.

Tonight, I choose to trust the Universe.  I choose to trust God's love and perfect plan.  I am grateful for how far I've come and what I accomplished by taking the risk.  I'm proud of myself for trying.

May you find peace on the rough days.

Love,

Jennifer

It's Good to be Back

What an amazing week.  I felt good, I felt strong, I felt confident.  I'm getting back to me.  And I am so, so grateful.  Exciting things are happening.  Change is coming.  I am so happy to feel capable of handling what's coming my way.

Rough times happen.  Sometimes they last for years.  But love comes, peace comes, forgiveness comes - if you search for them.  It's easy to believe that what feels bad has always been and will always be.  But that's not true.  

Lots of things we think aren't true.  I was telling someone this week about how I recognized that some thoughts come, don't ask me from where, that attack us and tempt us to believe all kinds of horrible things.  It is possible - I know - to recognize an intruding thought and dismiss it.  Too often we attach to the thoughts and make them real for us.  But it is just as easy to let them go, knowing that some force, somewhere, is sending you messages trying to tear you down.  But you don't have to believe them.  You can forgive the thoughts and let them go.

I am trying to guard my thoughts very closely.  I am trying to remember how holy I am and that if I remember my holiness, I will have feelings of peace and love.  

Remember the sign I have on my mantle?  I've revised it just a bit to fit.  I say,

I believed in the sun even when it was not shining.

I believed in Love even when I could not feel it.

I believed in God even when I could not hear Him.

I feel like I have made it through some very rough times.  I didn't do it alone.  God led me, my friends and family supported me, and YOU, by allowing me to speak my truth here, made me feel heard and appreciated.  Thank you.

May we all find ourselves on a path of peace, love, and spiritual growth.  As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

May we remember who we really are, and may we carry the weight of humanity lightly as we travel on our road home.  Remember that happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life.  Make happiness a practice, and the road will feel a lot smoother.

Thank you for reading my words.  Thank you for walking beside me.  And thank you for being the best version of yourself you can be.  The world needs you.

Love and Light,

Jennifer

Unicorns

Most of you know me well enough to know that my wardrobe is important to me.  My outfits have to feel just right to match my mood.  Some clothes bring me comfort.  I always say, if you see me in my favorite outfit (threadbare thermal, jeans, and UGGS), I'm either having a really, really good day or a really, really bad one.

My friends at work have noticed that my outfits change with my mood.  They say that if they see me in heels (wedges, really - I gave up heels quite a while ago) they know I'm having a good day.  

Throughout the pandemic, it was mostly jeans and hoodies.  Hiding in the folds of much-needed comfort felt good.  I needed to feel good so badly.

The most interesting part to me is how important my choice of pajamas each night has become.  I have to pick just the right outfit.  To sleep in.  Yep, that's nuts, but it is so.  

I have about four drawers for pajamas.  I have summer pajamas, fall pajamas, and winter pajamas,  I have soft and cozy, and I have carefree and light.  I have different color palettes to choose from.  I'm always able to pick out the pajamas that feel just right.

Tonight, I found myself searching for my unicorn pajamas.

Unicorns!  Can you believe it?  After seeking only comfort for so long, I find myself wanting to express unicorn joy again!  

It's been a really, really good week.  It's been a good couple of months.  Two months since I felt the clouds part.

I feel it around me too.  I feel others finding hope in the progress we're making.  We're getting back to good.

I knew we could.

Thank you to my friend who helped me understand that it's important to accept that unicorns aren't always called for,  And fake unicorns are just plain annoying.

But folks, when your heart is happy and the Universe invites you to wear unicorns, wear them with all your heart!

Joy matters.  I am grateful to have healed so that I can feel true joy.  I hope there is something in your life that causes you to feel joyful and grateful to be a part of this great dance.  And if not, find something.  Please, I beg you to find something.  Because this world needs more love.  This world needs more joy.  And if you can heal your own heart and bring it back to joy, you will be healing the world too.

Hoodies?  Oh yeah.  Birks?  You bet.  Peace and Love all around.

But for tonight?  Unicorns!!!

With Love,

Jennifer

Goodbye, 2022

 Whew.

As I spend some much-needed time reflecting on the last year, I must acknowledge that it was a difficult one.  I know I and all the world are still recovering from the life-changing pandemic.  Personally, I believe I developed PTSD as a result of all the trauma we endured. But we have made a lot of progress in healing.

I sought out the help I needed, and I did most of what I was led to do.  I began reading A Course in Miracles again, and it has given me hope and sanity once again.  It is a very challenging text to read, and it will make no sense at all until the Universe decides you're ready.  I am very grateful for the words that guide me to the truth.  I wish it was all crystal clear instructions with a fail-safe plan.  But our experience here on earth seems to be more complicated than that.  Seems to be, anyway.  The Course teaches that this is all illusion anyway and that realizing our Oneness with Christ is our only true function.  I wish, in the busyness of the days, that I could remember how simple it is.  I'm still working on it.

I began 2022 feeling suffering, fear, guilt, and trauma.  It was not okay with me to feel that way, so I did something about it.  By springtime, I had found The Tapping Solution to deal with my negative emotions.  I had also begun ACIM in earnest.  By May, I knew I had found some healing.  In June, I found You, Happier which helped me to make changes in my life that gave me the healthiest brain possible to experience happiness.  I experienced a setback when I returned to work after the summer break, but I kept trying to become healthier and happier.  I remember clearly the time I experienced three good days in a row.  A miracle, I thought!  In August, I found Virtual EMDR to treat my PTSD.  I began to feel better and better.  By September, I had found the ability to be authentic again, though it was still a struggle.  In November, through 8 to Great, I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made that seemed to overshadow the good.  I let it go.  And I felt better.  December brought a time of reflection, and I know I am in much better shape than when I started this year.

There will be seasons when you get the living shit knocked out of you.  Sometimes these seasons last for years.  But healing is possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for every little bit of healing I have experienced.  I am grateful that God gave me a heart that WANTS healing bad enough to do the work.

I (understandably) don't feel as strong as I once did.  But I think that as I work to trust my Higher Power, and as I feel His support, my sense of strength may return.  It's His strength we rely on anyway.

A lot of my future is yet unknown.  This next year may bring a new home and a career change, but all of that is still to be revealed.  I am excited about the possible changes, and I want to be the strongest, healthiest, and happiest that I can be so I can meet these new challenges with confidence and resolve.

2022 was tough.  Not as tough as 2020, but the lingering effects are still with us.  I pray that as we move into 2023, the path to peace and happiness is smoother.  I pray for Grace for all of us who are still picking up broken pieces of the past.  I pray for Comfort and Healing, and most of all, I pray for Love.

May we walk this road together.

Love and Peace,

Jennifer

I see it!

Today was a good day.  A really good day.  Gratitude fills my heart, and I am so grateful for a reprieve from the shadow of dread that's been hanging around since 2020.  Maybe I've turned a corner.

Ain't gonna lie.  You all know how rough it's been.  Every day, I would try to feel positive and rainbow-y, but it was so, so hard.

When I was discussing the lack of rainbows and unicorns with a friend, she told me we don't need rainbows and unicorns right now.  We need real.  She's right.

I'm still striving to be more and more authentic.  That, in my opinion, is one of the tragedies of the mess that was the last few years.  Even with all the fear, sickness, and death, I tried to put on a happy face.  I can't tell you for sure if that was a mistake or not, because we needed all the positivity we could get.  But it took its toll.  No amount of positivity could counteract all the stress and fear we've experienced.  I misplaced authenticity in the midst of it all.  I'm trying to find my way back.

When people are hurting, they don't want unicorns.  They want someone to understand.   They want someone to sit with them and share the burden.  They want to know they're not alone.

So, where are we at?  Are we still hurting?  Are we back to good yet?

For me, I've been taking it one day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  

I am so grateful for those who I am blessed to call friends who are supporting me every day.  Your love and your concern mean the world to me.  Thank you.

If you're limping like I am, take heart.  You are not limping alone.  The good news is we're moving.  I'm rereading Pollyanna.  In it, she searches for the good amidst devastating circumstances.  She calls it the "Glad Game".  I've been playing that game a lot lately.  That's good news.  Finally, I can see the good again.  I am grateful for the healing. 

May we all heal.

Love, Jennifer

EDIT: This post was originally written on 11/28/22.  Now, two weeks later....well, you'll just have to wait for the next post.

Much Love.

A Prayer for Healing

 I don't know that I can say for certain that I'm out of my slump.  But I know I'm close.

I feel like me again.  There were even some rainbows and unicorns toward the end of last week.

Looking back, I realize that I was in worse shape than I would have admitted.  I guess I didn't really even know how bad it was.

But I do know it's been a long road back.  

At some point, I recognized that the fear, dread, and PTSD left over from three years of chaos and turmoil were holding me back.  I found the strength to try and deal with all that remained.

I looked for help.  I read books.  I changed my diet.  I started taking more vitamins. I increased my medication.  I tried to find a therapist, but they're all too busy.  So, I found virtual EMDR.  I practiced healing every day.

And, I am happy to say, I have healed so much.

I guess that's all this post is.  It's a word of encouragement to all of us who have suffered or fallen or found ourselves at the end of our rope.  Please know - there is hope.

We've all been on a rough road.  While the threat of COVID has diminished for most of us, many of us are still in survival mode.  For those of us still struggling, I want to offer peace.

After all, what is it we're really trying to accomplish here?

I believe we're trying to accomplish joy, peace, and love.  I believe that anything less is just a distraction from our true purpose.

When you're suffering, it's very difficult to see joy, peace, or love.

I also believe that it is our moral responsibility to heal.  We must heal so that we are free to love and forgive the way God intended.

So if you suffer, find your healing.  If you love someone who suffers, help them heal.  Ask the Universe to guide you to healing.  It will oblige.

We must allow ourselves to heal so that the future may again shine brightly.

I send out a prayer for healing.  For all of us.

Love and peace,

Jennifer