It's Time

It's time.

FINALLY...it's time.

It's time to come home again.

It's time to feel the peace and coziness again.

Are there things not right?  Yes.

But I accept them.

This path calls for intention, not performance.

Intentions of gentle strength,

Intentions of self-care and patient love.

Thank God, it's time.

I Will Try Again Tomorrow

Today is not a good day.  Neither was Friday nor Saturday.  Three days of funk.  I'm not grateful or happy.  Though I still continue to thank God.

I guess there is a part of me that wants to be good on my own merit.  I want to be considered good because of what I did.  I want to be praised for my accomplishments.

But God looks at me and simply says,

"You don't have any."

"Everything you have - I gave you.  Every molecule of oxygen, those coffee cups, a joyful heart - all of it, I gave you."

So, what does that leave me when I can't feel you're gifts?

Faith.  The courage to keep believing.

But courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

World Changers

So, I heard a new song yesterday - "World Changers", by Matthew West.  It's a great song.  You should really stop and listen to it if you're a teacher.  Or a mom.  Or a nurse or a doctor or a dad or you just generally care about humanity.

I immediately sent the lyrics to a teacher friend of mine.  When she got them, she responded in a text - "This is beautiful!  Thank you very much!!!!"

That got me thinking.

When I graduated from college, my sister gave me a card.  Here's what it said:

You Can Make a Difference

You don't have to be smarter, faster,
stronger, richer, or more tallented
than anyone else.

You don't need a lifetime
to get ready.

It only takkes courage now.

When the truth needs to be said,
When the work needs to be done,
When the help needs to be given....

You can make a difference.

By earning people's trust and
Giving them your repect,
You can help build a world where
Good things happen
For all of us.

Because the only reason there is for being alive
Is to make the most of what you have.
Your Time.
Your Ideas.
Your Love.

That's all you need.

You can make a difference.


Of course, it took me a few decades to realize the truth in this.  For a long time, I thought making a difference meant working myself to the bone in a world where it hardly even matterrs.  And it does mean that.  But it also means having the courage and taking the time to reach out and be kind.

"That is so beautiful!  Thank you so much!!!!!", she said.

I picked a hard career.  But so is life.  There is stress, there is fear, there is exhaustion.  There is failure, and there is pain.  There are doubts, and there are broken people.

But there is also beauty.  And there is also Love.

Today, when there is a kind word to be said, I say it.  When there is support to be given, I give it.  When there is beauty to see, I show it.  When there is love to be shared, I share it.

And if I can do all that,
so can you.

You can make a difference.

Confession

Sometimes I hear people say to me, "I don't know how you do it."

My first reaction is, "Yeah...I have no idea."

But that's not really true.  I have a few ideas of what it is that makes this amazing-crazy-never-stop-running-for-a-moment life possible.

I say "Thank you".  A LOT.  I hear myself say, "Thank you, God, that my feet are successfully carrying me to where I am going next."  I say, "Thank you, God, that this not so brand new but incredibly warm and comfortable vehicle is working so well today."  I say, "Thank you, God, that my children are healthy enough to be arguing with each other in the backseat."  I say, "Thank you, God, that even though I am exhausted, you are still giving me life."

Yeah, life is hard.  No doubt about it.  But then you see things like this:

If you can't read that final line, it says, "Written on a cellar wall in Germany during the Holocaust."

I heard a song today.  It made me cry.

Lord, I come, I confess.

Bowing here I find my rest.

Without You I fall apart,

You're the One that guides my heart.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more.

Where grace is found, is where You are.

And where You are, Lord, I am free.

Holiness is Christ in me.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Teach my song to rise to You

When temptation comes my way.

And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You.

Jesus, You're my hope and stay.

(Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher)

How do I do it?  "And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You."  It's the only way I know.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Been a While

So...it's been a while.

A couple of years to be exact.  Okay, almost three.  But I'm still here.

Here  is a list of things I know now that I didn't know then.

1.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined.
2.  hmmm....

Well, I am.  Stronger than I ever imagined, that is.  I considered crying today.  It was the first time (that I remember, anyway) in two years that I'd considered crying over stress.  Two years, a master's degree, a new career, a new marriage, three new step-children, and every day that runs non-stop until I fall into bed at night only to wake up the next day and do it all again.

Who IS this new person I've become?  I used to fall apart.  I don't fall apart anymore.  I hold things together.  Some days it feels like I hold EVERYTHING together.  For everyone.  And the truth is, I love doing it.  I love being a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a support, a cheerleader, and a shoulder to cry on for all the ones I've come to love working with.  I love knowing the direction I want my children to grow in and being strategic about every word and hug and kiss I give to them.  I love knowing the man of my dreams needs me to be sane and strong and stable for him (just as he is for me).  I love knowing that no matter how much I struggle in being a step-mother, it is imperative for me to be kind and respectful to my step-kids.

Okay, so the truth is...today I cried.  Today I wished somebody, anybody, could understand all that my brain does in a day.

I've learned a few other things too.  I've learned that real love does exist (I knew it!!!).  I've learned that honesty and compassion don't need politics.  I've learned that there's always a solution.  I've learned that hard work and determination are very rewarding in themselves.  I've learned that children really are absorbing what we're telling them.  I've learned that you always get another chance tomorrow.

I remember a time when I cried once a WEEK.  That's progress.

Hope to be back in the blogging world.  Words for life, so to speak.

Hey, what a catchy title!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Grace

No, I have not abandoned my post.  Just needed some time.

It is weird not having the countdown, though.  I didn't mean to, you know.  They say, when you stop looking....Guess it's true.

I won't begin to gush about the amazingness of my life right now - I'll save that for another time.  But I will say this.  Maybe, just maybe...God has given to me the opportunity to have a partner in life - a real partner this time.  Someone so much like me, I can't remember life before.  Someday, I'll tell you all about it.

For now, I am thinking about grace.

Those of you who know me well enough know my story isn't pretty.  It's ugly.  So very ugly, I cannot share it here.  Sometimes a victim, but always by choice.  I tried to run my own life for so very long.  It never worked out well.  And I did it again and again and again.

So, I have this past - this hideous past.  I am so imperfect - if you were to only look at the black and white facts, one could not help but condemn me.

And yet, you see what I have become.  God has given me a life.  A life of beauty and love and kindness and joy and peace.  A life of Grace.  I am so undeserving, and yet...  His love has saved me.

And I am still so imperfect.  That doesn't even accurately describe it.  I still carry inside me the brokenness of humanity.  I fail.  Bad.

Just last night, I became rageful...at one of my children, no less.  I said things I shouldn't have said.  I became anger and rage and destruction.  See...that's still there...that part of me that will never be perfect.  I am shown, once again, my brokenness.

But...the shadow proves the Sunshine.

In spite of my detestable brokenness...Love prevails.  Grace prevails.  God says, "See?  Remember?  This isn't about you achieving perfection.  You never will.  This is about Me saving you and completing you and lifting you out of your human condition.  Because I love you."

And Love protects my son from his imperfect mother.  He still knows love, and he doesn't even consider for a moment that his mother might not love him...because he knows deeply that she does.

A friend, knowing full well my story, even said to me this morning, "I think you're genuinely one of the best people I've ever known."

That's Grace.

Humbled, once again, I receive that Grace with so much appreciation.  I so don't deserve it.  And yet...it saves me.

May Grace touch you the same as it has touched me.  Hopefully...you don't have to do it so ugly.

Love,
Jennifer

Uhhhhmmmm.....

A friend told me the other day...we make plans, and God laughs.

Hmmmm.


Don't worry (Mom) - I'm not running off to get married.  Hell, I refuse to even kiss him.

So, let me start out with honesty. 

Technically, I'm still single.  Like in all sense of the word.  Technically.

Oh, wait.  I said honesty.



Hmmmm.


Well...let's say undefined.

I had to be honest with you all.  Honesty is such a part of who I am now, and who I want to be.  Hiding this was not an option.  Knowing how to tell you?  Not so easy.  But I'm trying.

I'm even protecting my heart a bit. I'm being careful.  I'm going slow.  In my own defense, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the most amazing potential I've ever seen.  Hey, I may be broken, but I'm not stupid enough to let the most amazing person I've ever met slip by just because I chose to try this.

There are lots of great guys out there, someone told me.  No there aren't.  I know.  I've met most of them.

My friend told me I used to be a loser magnet.  My friend was right.  I didn't deserve better.  I had to suffer to make the other person happy, which they never were anyway.  I was treated badly.  I latched onto people who did not know peace.  I created drama for myself, then tried to change the other person to make the drama go away.

I'm not that girl anymore.

Today, I know myself.  I like myself.  Being myself, alone, is enough.  God completes me, not someone else.

And I am strong.  I am smart.  I can fix dishwashers and bury cats and replace stolen lipsticks.  I can love my friends deeply and let them love me back.  I can walk with my head held high, knowing I am not making the same stupid choices I once did.  I know I am at peace.

And now, maybe there's someone to share that with.

No, I didn't plan on this.  However...I said that I was willing, but that God was in control.  He still is.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  God will still love me.  So will my friends.  So will I.

I'm human.  So be it.

I still love me.

Sincerely,
Jennifer