It's Time

 Thank God, it's time.

It's time to put the last few years to rest.

It's time to let go of the fear, the uncertainty, and the constant state of unease.

It's time to heal.

Thank God it's time to heal.

This isn't the first time I've been in this place.  I've experienced life's valleys before.  I've been in the throes of crisis and the subsequent journey back to peace.  I've risen from the ashes before.

But not like this.

When I claimed it was the last five years that nearly did me in, I was probably being a bit melodramatic.  Really, it's been about three.  But as you and I can probably agree, it was the worst three years so far.

You know me, I'm an optimist.  But by the end of these last three years, it was very hard to see the good.

And THAT was what almost did me in.  I couldn't see the good.

I saw fear.  I saw pain.  I saw dread.  I saw conflict and violence.  And it went on and on and on.

I did the only thing I could do.  I hid.

I hid under my blankie on my couch and closed my eyes tight, hoping it would all go away.

It didn't.

Of course, I can't see what the future holds.  Maybe it's worse, who knows.  But for today, I feel a reprieve.  

I'm not the same optimist I was before.  Seeing rainbows and unicorns was my natural state.  Today, I'm happy if I feel something, anything, besides fear and dread.

Today I woke up, and the sun was shining.

Today, I woke up, and I WANTED to do good things for myself.  Today I WANTED to exercise and do yoga and read good books that make me feel good.  Today I WANTED something better.

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger.  If that's true, I have no doubt I now have the strength to survive anything.  Maybe not with a smile in my heart, but survival is possible.

And after survival comes healing.

I hope you are ready for healing too.  

My plans include yoga, meditation, running, reading, writing, and photography.  My plans include smiling and seeing the sunshine.  My plans include practicing gratitude and sharing joy.  

I send my plans to the heavens and ask for the Universe's blessing.

We can't (and shouldn't) see what tomorrow brings.  We can only see one day at a time.  And today, I see HOPE.

I pray you see HOPE too.

May we love each other and ourselves back to a place of peace and joy.  We know a bit more about how ugly the world can be, but let's remember the love, the beauty, and the hope that still lives.

May we find it.

Love,

Jennifer

Five Years

 It's been a good day.

It was a good week.

Things are improving.

I wasn't my strongest on Monday.  You see, my past paid a visit last weekend.  I was brought back to a time in my life that brought me more suffering than I've ever experienced before.  It was an extended period of time of feeling that I couldn't find a place to put my feet down.  It lasted for months.  And then, as fate would have it, the pandemic began, and all of life became uncertain.  

The catalyst for this suffering?

My choices.  

I made choices that people didn't approve of.  I made choices that hurt some people.  I made choices that caused close friends to pull away from me.

And it hurt.  It hurt so badly.  There were days I couldn't even move, paralyzed with fear and shame.

And while I do wish I could go back and take away the pain I caused others and myself, I also know the path of my life diverged in a way bigger than I realized at the time.

And I can't go back.

For many months, I wrestled with the thoughts that told me I was a bad person.  Those accusing thoughts that come, and if you latch on to them, they feel very true.

The last few years have been very dark for all of us.

But I believe in the sun even when it's not shining.

I have struggled my way to a place of self acceptance.  I'm still struggling with it.  Perhaps I am the villain in someone's story (we all are, you know).  But if I am, it's really none of my business.

When I look back at how my story has changed over the last five years, I am happy with where I stand now.  I've let go of a lot of old ideas and beliefs.  A lot of shitty things happened, and I learned to stop fighting them.

Peace comes from letting go and accepting.

Maybe you're like me.  Maybe you're coming out of this pandemic a completely difference person than who you were going in.  Maybe during the pandemic you realized that the world is crazy and that the path you were on before leads the wrong way.

To those I hurt - I am sorry for my actions that hurt.  I truly am.

But I am not sorry for who I am today.  I am not sorry for the progress I've made from self-loathing back to self-acceptance.  I'm not sorry for letting go of old beliefs and ideas that only serve to divide and hurt people.  I love knowing that the strength to rise from the ashes lies within me.  Again and again and again.

The story God is telling is a good story, even when certain details look bad.  

And even if you're the villain in someone else's story, or worse, the villain in your own, it's still a good story.

So, I will continue to pursue this goodness - this goodness in myself, in you, and in this great big, crazy story called life.  

Brighter days are coming.  The details of the story may have changed.  But you are a good person.  I am a good person.  Sometimes when we're doing the best we can with what we've got, we drop the ball and cause others to see us in a different light.  But that doesn't change the value of who we are and the importance of the role we play in this great big, good story.

It's a good life.  May we live it well.

Love and peace,

Jennifer

I will honor what is with grace.

 As I may have mentioned, I love my planner,  It has a place to mark if you aligned with your vision each day (yay, vision board!) as well as a place to write your intention for the day.  Sometimes I remember to write an intention statement, but even if I do, I have usually forgotten it by the end of the day.  So, when I happened to glance at my planner this evening, I was reminded of this morning's intention - I will honor what is with grace.

Today was hell.  It started with a small memorial for a colleague who died last week.  I don't cry often, but today I just sobbed in the arms of another coworker.  It was rough.  Then I had to leave quickly since I realized that the clock I had been watching to gauge the time wasn't actually moving.  (I'm so observant.)  So I rushed back to work only to find the appointment had been cancelled anyway.  Then I spent almost the entire day trying to solve a coworker's technical issues.  And then, I stayed too late doing the work I had been avoiding all day.  

Did I honor all that is with grace?

I cry ugly.  And boy, did I cry.  In fact, I sobbed all the way to my car and on the drive back to work.  Was I "graceful"?  No, like I said - ugly.  And did I serenely accept the technical issues for what they were?  Nope.  We beat our heads against that wall all day.  (We won in the end!)  And was I feeling gracious when I left work two hours past contract time?  No.  I felt exhausted.

So when today's intention caught my eye, I stopped for a moment to reflect on my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

And here's the thing.  I remember making a conscious decision to allow myself to double over against the wall sobbing knowing full well that someone could probably hear me.  That's grace.  And when a major mistake was uncovered today, and those two ladies came to confess?  What was my response to them?  Pure grace.  And my willingness to put my friend's technical needs above my own to do list?  That's got grace written all over it.  And yes, I was tired at the end of it all (and not functioning the best), but I knew I was leaving late because I had given myself permission to work at a slower pace and to allow my to do list to remain unconquered.  That sounds like grace to me.

Holy shit, Universe!  We did it!

Rachel Hollis says, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark." 

These times are so hard.  We're all very much sick and tired.  These days, we're missing the mark constantly.  It takes strength to surrender.  It takes courage to allow yourself to do today's best, knowing it's not enough to solve our problems.  We're really going through it.  But if we reach deep, there is grace, and there is enough grace within us to deal with what life throws at us.  I promise.

May we all find the strength to have grace for the world, for each other, and most importantly, for ourselves.  Let's honor what is with grace.,

With love and grace,

Jennifer

Let's Begin Again

 I guess yesterday's post may have started out a little rough.  Let's begin again.

All of reality changed during 2020.  Or at least what we perceived as reality.  We thought we were safe, and that things were going the way they should.  We thought that the people in charge were competent enough to keep things running smoothly.

Boy, were we wrong.

Perhaps you are like me.  I recognize that I have lived in fear and high alert for almost two whole years.  That's a lot of stress to put a mind through.  My own mind shows signs of trauma.  I deal with high anxiety, memory loss, and a constant need to control.

I don't want to live in fear anymore.

I want to be joyous.  I want to be happy and free.  I want to spread love and joy to all those around me and to live a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

How does one accomplish this amongst so much suffering?

Truth is, I don't know yet.  But faith tells me its possible.

I have my sights set.  I created a vision board, ordered a Christ-consciousness meditation CD, and will begin to listen to Brenè Brown´s The Power of Vulnerability.  I´m ready.

Will you take this journey with me?  Will you dare to hope for peace, love, and connection during a time of deep strife?  If only enough of us believe...

May 2022 give all of us some breathing room, a chance to find our feet again, and the desire to love this world and each other with abandon.  May we find the roots of our faith and the hope to believe that this world really is a good place.  May Love once again be our driving force.

So, yeah, things have been bad.  Really bad.  But our spirits can heal.  I promise.

Let's begin again.  Shall we?

With Love and Hope,

Jennifer

2022

 So...what in the actual fuck?

It's been a couple years.  Not sure if I'll make posting a habit again, but maybe...

So, if there's anyone out there still reading my words, thank you.

America divided, thousands dying a day...2020 continues.

Since I last wrote, I went back to my career in education.  It is going wonderfully, and I'm grateful to once again feel efficacious.  I'm getting a second master's degree, and I plan to continue working in education until I retire.

My marriage is awesome.  We just celebrated our nine year anniversary with a trip to the mountains.  My partner is my rock.

So, how goes the rest?

Well, like you, I am living through year three of a world wide pandemic.  While I am no longer terrified of the disease (thank you, vaccination!), it is raging out of control.  Hospitals are over-filled and overwhelmed.

Then, there's politics.  I have found that I want to be as far left of the right-wing party as possible.  While it's true I have leaned left my entire life, I am finding now that I just want to be as far away as I can from what the Republican party has become.

And what about church?  I don't agree with "church" at all anymore.  I know it wasn't all churches, but enough of them handled this pandemic and the unfortunate politics in ways that I want absolutely nothing to do with.  Humans screwed up Christianity so badly.  I don't want to be seen as part of that group anymore.

So, those are the world-wide issues.  Personally?  That's been rough too.  Recently, one of my children was in a near fatal car crash, and another child went through their third psychotic episode.  Easy times?  No.

2022 has just begun.  What do I bring with me into this new year?

An awareness that the God of the universe began this good work called Christ when he created this world, and He will continue this opus until its completion.

Everything is Christ, and my judgment is completely unnecessary.

We fall.  We get up.  Hopefully, we learn something in the process.

And that's what all of this is - a process.  I, myself, am an energy process that will one day transform into a different form of energy.

I've learned that clinging tightly is futile and wasteful.  I've learned that resistance to the flow of life is counter productive.  I'm trying to learn that I don't need to control things.  I just bought a sweat shirt that says, "Relax.  Nothing is under control."  Truer words were never spoken.

I've learned I don't know much of anything.  The thinking mind causes so many problems.  I have been through so much suffering over the last few years that I have had to let go of pretty much everything.  I have learned that I can't fix things, and that I, like you, must live one day at a time.  I am trying to re-learn how to truly live and enjoy life and rest in its flow.

The world is suffering.  Our country is suffering.  Our families are suffering.  Only love and connection can make things okay.

So, for January, I am going to take extra special care of myself.  I am going to love myself gently for a whole month.  I am going to let go.  In Jewel's words, "I'll gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear."  I am going to try very hard to go slow and gentle with glow with love.  

I hold all of us in my heart as we begin this new year.  We are tired.  We are hurting.  But Christ suffers with us.  We are not alone, and the Love we need to survive is still here, waiting for us to connect to it once again.  May we all find love, peace, and maybe even a little bit of joy as we start another journey together.

Love and peace to all.

Jennifer

Step 3

So, I decided to go get a real journal the other day.  I've been living the last two years through digital journaling, and I love that I can take it with me wherever I go, but I needed a real, paper and binding journal.  And of course, pretty markers.

So I went to Barnes and Noble, and I found a gorgeous little journal called, The Universe Has Your Back.  It's beautiful.  And it mentioned a card pack that was available with messages from the same product.  You see, I'm going back to my old career, and this would be a perfect item to keep on my desk.  So I asked if they carried it, and they DID, so I set off to the back of the store to find it.

What I also found was a book called Judgement Detox.  This book, the journal, the card pack were all authored by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I hadn't heard of her, but I picked up the book and knew I had been personally led to it. 

You see, when I decided to go back to my old career, I knew I would need a new paradigm in order to not lose my self in the job again.  I've been working on it since Christmas.  The Universe is good.

Finally, I'm remembering what's important.

This book from Gabrielle (yes, I'm going to pretend we're friends) outlines 6 steps that you can take to minimize the power of your judgments and SIGNIFICANTLY reduce your own misery, opening the way for love to work miracles.

If you are tired of being miserable, get the book.

Anyway, here's an excerpt from Step 3.

"We all have a higher power working on our behalf to restore our thoughts back to love. In any given moment we can put love back on the altar and let it shine through any situation or grievance. Love can dissolve even the most deep-rooted judgment. Love is the antidote to judgment. I have come to believe that all issues must be brought to spirit for healing. Without a spiritual intervention, we will stay stuck in the judgment cycle. So we call on a spiritual relationship as we understand it to replace our fear-based judgmental thoughts with love. We ask to let love in. When we surrender our issues to a power greater than ourselves, divine order unfolds. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God, spirit, or the energy of the Universe. All that matters is that you’re willing to let go and be free."

Bernstein, Gabrielle. Judgment Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living A Better Life (pp. 91-92). Gallery Books. Kindle Edition.

You know me.  It was so perfect, I had to share.

Love can move mountains.  I know it.

But mountains won't move if we're caught in our own judgments, constantly resisting the things we hate.  We create our own roadblocks, then curse the lack of movement.

There's a better way.  I believe it with all my heart.

I'm going to be practicing.  Please feel free to give me feedback on my progress.  I need you guys.

Love and Peace,
Jennifer

Rocks

Okay, okay...I know.  Another two years goes by.  I'm quite the blogger, huh?

If you're actually reading this, chances are you know me well enough to know where I've been.  If not, I'll catch you up sometime.

Anyway, I'm currently at a place in my life where I truly, truly, TRULY believe that all the misery I experience in my life is a result of an unhealed part of my own perception.  I have studied it, I have experienced it, and I hope you all will support me in learning how to live it.

But all that is not really the point of this post.  You see, as part of my growth journey, I ran into the question in my own mind - "Okay, but how about all those things I HATE.  Those things that block me or slow me down in my endless pursuit to carry out what I have deemed important and necessary for that day?" (And THAT is a whole other topic.)

So, I needed a proper metaphor.  I needed something that would represent the things I loved - easy, simple, comfortable, beautiful, loving, harmony, peace.  And I would need a different object to represent the things I do NOT prefer - conflict, pain, denial, roadblocks, impossibilities, arguments, time, rage.  I chose pearls and common rocks.  And throughout the day, I would identify the pearls, the miracles God was handing me.  And for each roadblock I hit during the day, I would accumulate a rock.  Because the TRUTH is, you ARE going to get both throughout the day.  You can't have a day of only pearls.  That's not how this universe works.  And THEN I noticed that the rocks were piling up WAY more quickly than the pearls.  And I felt despondent, and I thought - How can I ever be happy with all these rocks?

But THEN.  You GUYS.  A miracle happened.

I started looking at each rock as they came in and realized they were all unique with their own names.  I discovered quite a few fairly quickly.  There was Fear, and I-Have-To (such a cute pouting face).  Of course there was Should (so sour) and I'm-Not-Good-Enough.  I met Rage and Force.  And here's what I discovered.  When I stopped and simply listened to what they had to say when they came to me, and lovingly acknowledged their need, they scampered off, happy as a lamb.  They often revisit from time to time - the same ones.  I imagine they will always be with me.  It's like their my children.  My very own children to hold in my heart and to love and to heal all the days of my life.

And THEN I thought, WAIT - they were never rocks.  They were DRAGON EGGS, sent to be transformed into the most beautiful of creatures with just a loving embrace and acceptance.  I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS.

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic.

But do you get my point?

These things.  These things we hate.  These people we can't stand.  Every time we judge.  We are being offered an opportunity to respond to our own wounds with love and acceptance, an opportunity to allow them to voice their pain, and to hold them lovingly until they feel better.  And if we will see these rocks for what they are and respond to them responsibly, we can begin to heal our own perceptions, which allows love to start flowing again.  And so much love fills up so much space, and others around you begin to vibrate with the same love, and the next thing you know, we're all feeling a little bit better, a little bit freer with a lot more space to breathe.

You guys.  You guys.  You guys.  It was NEVER about the pearls.

Please.  Remind me to cherish my Rocks.  Remind me to heal my Rocks.  If you'd like, I'll remind you too.  I love you guys.  Really.

Peace and Love.
Jennifer