Grace

No, I have not abandoned my post.  Just needed some time.

It is weird not having the countdown, though.  I didn't mean to, you know.  They say, when you stop looking....Guess it's true.

I won't begin to gush about the amazingness of my life right now - I'll save that for another time.  But I will say this.  Maybe, just maybe...God has given to me the opportunity to have a partner in life - a real partner this time.  Someone so much like me, I can't remember life before.  Someday, I'll tell you all about it.

For now, I am thinking about grace.

Those of you who know me well enough know my story isn't pretty.  It's ugly.  So very ugly, I cannot share it here.  Sometimes a victim, but always by choice.  I tried to run my own life for so very long.  It never worked out well.  And I did it again and again and again.

So, I have this past - this hideous past.  I am so imperfect - if you were to only look at the black and white facts, one could not help but condemn me.

And yet, you see what I have become.  God has given me a life.  A life of beauty and love and kindness and joy and peace.  A life of Grace.  I am so undeserving, and yet...  His love has saved me.

And I am still so imperfect.  That doesn't even accurately describe it.  I still carry inside me the brokenness of humanity.  I fail.  Bad.

Just last night, I became rageful...at one of my children, no less.  I said things I shouldn't have said.  I became anger and rage and destruction.  See...that's still there...that part of me that will never be perfect.  I am shown, once again, my brokenness.

But...the shadow proves the Sunshine.

In spite of my detestable brokenness...Love prevails.  Grace prevails.  God says, "See?  Remember?  This isn't about you achieving perfection.  You never will.  This is about Me saving you and completing you and lifting you out of your human condition.  Because I love you."

And Love protects my son from his imperfect mother.  He still knows love, and he doesn't even consider for a moment that his mother might not love him...because he knows deeply that she does.

A friend, knowing full well my story, even said to me this morning, "I think you're genuinely one of the best people I've ever known."

That's Grace.

Humbled, once again, I receive that Grace with so much appreciation.  I so don't deserve it.  And yet...it saves me.

May Grace touch you the same as it has touched me.  Hopefully...you don't have to do it so ugly.

Love,
Jennifer

Uhhhhmmmm.....

A friend told me the other day...we make plans, and God laughs.

Hmmmm.


Don't worry (Mom) - I'm not running off to get married.  Hell, I refuse to even kiss him.

So, let me start out with honesty. 

Technically, I'm still single.  Like in all sense of the word.  Technically.

Oh, wait.  I said honesty.



Hmmmm.


Well...let's say undefined.

I had to be honest with you all.  Honesty is such a part of who I am now, and who I want to be.  Hiding this was not an option.  Knowing how to tell you?  Not so easy.  But I'm trying.

I'm even protecting my heart a bit. I'm being careful.  I'm going slow.  In my own defense, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the most amazing potential I've ever seen.  Hey, I may be broken, but I'm not stupid enough to let the most amazing person I've ever met slip by just because I chose to try this.

There are lots of great guys out there, someone told me.  No there aren't.  I know.  I've met most of them.

My friend told me I used to be a loser magnet.  My friend was right.  I didn't deserve better.  I had to suffer to make the other person happy, which they never were anyway.  I was treated badly.  I latched onto people who did not know peace.  I created drama for myself, then tried to change the other person to make the drama go away.

I'm not that girl anymore.

Today, I know myself.  I like myself.  Being myself, alone, is enough.  God completes me, not someone else.

And I am strong.  I am smart.  I can fix dishwashers and bury cats and replace stolen lipsticks.  I can love my friends deeply and let them love me back.  I can walk with my head held high, knowing I am not making the same stupid choices I once did.  I know I am at peace.

And now, maybe there's someone to share that with.

No, I didn't plan on this.  However...I said that I was willing, but that God was in control.  He still is.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  God will still love me.  So will my friends.  So will I.

I'm human.  So be it.

I still love me.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 292 - The Storm Before The Calm

I've learned something about myself.

It's so nice to be able to say that.

I learned that many times, when I am facing a new situation, I have a very heightened sense of anxiety.  Maybe that's a polite way of saying it.  Really, I'm terrified.  I sweat.  I don't breathe right.  It's down right crazy.  My concern arises out of the fear of not being able to express myself.  (Yes, I know - insane.)  My body seems to think that when that moment comes, I will freeze, and I won't be able to show my authentic self.  I can spend hours, sometimes days, in this hellish state.  I try to calm it by breathing and telling myself positive things.  It doesn't help much.

Then, finally, that moment comes.

And I am just fine.

I'm sure this fear comes from the many years I spent locked inside myself.  I was afraid of people.  I didn't make eye contact.  I made few friends, and I never asked for help.  I doubted that people would ever understand me.  In Jewel's words, "In silence, I feared my heart would remain unheard inside a separateness of skin."  That was me.

I've come a long way.  Somewhere along the way, probably when I found the place of true surrender, I let go of that fear.  And I reached out.  And I asked for help.  And I spoke.  Quietly at first, then louder with time.

And people heard me.  People listened to me and understood.  Sometimes they even agreed with me.  And that gave me the courage it took to speak some more.

Today, I have a multitude of close, loving relationships.  Friends, who I love, surround me with their care and their love and their support.  A day does not go by without having some sort of meaningful, loving connection with another human being.

So, why do I still experience fear?  I don't know.  I was kind of worried about it.  Until yesterday.  As I was sitting in my car, the thought came, "Oh, this is just the storm before the calm."  Clever, huh?

I may stew in fear for a time.  But when I open my mouth, authenticity pours out.

I love that.

Authenticity has brought meaning and depth to my life that I once wanted so desperately.  Where did this courage come from?  Again, to quote Jewel: "I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul. But now I see what may put to rest my longing.  For I have seen the face of love, the grace of God."

May you have love and depth touch your heart each and every day.

"wanting never to be separate again,
let eternity begin."

Love,
Jennifer

Day 396 - The Valley "Through"

Psalm 23

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 23

A psalm of David. ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

My pastor has been doing a series on going through Valleys.  I could identify well.  I've gone through a valley the last few months.  Some days are like that.  But today, the sun was shining, and I could actually feel it.  And today, in church, I heard Psalm 23 again, just like I did when the journey into the Valley first started, even though I didn't know that was what was happening at the time.  It was one of what I call "God moments" - when you know God is speaking directly to it.  And finally, I could hear His Voice again.

Now, I know God didn't leave me during the Dark Valley.  I know that.  But, I couldn't feel the sunlight of the Spirit during those dark days.  But I tried, oh how I tried, to just keep doing what I was supposed to do.  "Keep functioning," God told the Israelites during their exile into Babylon.  I wonder if they felt like I did, like they were going through the dark times, even though God had promised them He would recover them.

Even though that scripture doesn't say "To Jennifer" at the beginning, I took it as mine.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord.  'Plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future....When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back."  Okay, I was hoping the seventy years part wasn't directed at me, but the rest of it, I took straight to heart.

And another thing my pastor said this morning - that "I will not fear" part.  He said it's been translated poorly.  What it really means is that when I fear, I will see signs of His Presence - his rod and his staff - and I will be reminded that He is with me, and I will choose to not focus on my fear.  That, I can do.

Even though there were days I couldn't see the signs of His Presence very clearly, today I can.  And I'm so grateful.  Grateful to have been brought through the Dark Valley.  Grateful to have not lost all hope.  Grateful that He carried me when I could no longer walk.

Will dark days come again?  To be sure.  Will I walk through those too?  You bet.  And now I have complete assurance that I will make it through just fine.

I love my God.  And He loves me.  The Lord is my Shepherd, and I lack nothing.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 297 - Bravery

Yeah!!!  I made it past the 300 mark!  Only 297 days left to NOT chase a man.  Maybe I'll be so mature by then that I won't even have to.

So, bravery.  I've come a long way in this department.  And I think I still have a long way to go.

I used to be so scared.  All the time.  Fear crippled me.  Hiding was best.  I hid who I was inside and showed instead who I thought others either should see or who they wanted to see.  Hmmm, considering my record, that didn't seem to work out too well.

The last few years have brought about something different.  I learned that women are wonderful, loving people.  I learned that I could share my heart and that they understood.  I was no longer alone.  That in itself brought so much freedom and strength.  I can express my true self now - sometimes a bit emphatically.  Okay, always a bit emphatically, but my friends love me, so it's okay.

Then came the day I met that man.  You know, the perfect one.  I was SOOOO scared.  But my friends encouraged me, and I called him.  (Geez, thanks friends.)  And I went out with him.  And I was myself.  And it was like this brand new amazing door opened before me.  My whole attitude and outlook changed.  I was one hundred percent me.  It brought a new energy and life that I had never experienced before.  I was so happy.

Then, my heart broke.

Now, the whole experience showed me how amazing it is to truly express one's self.  So, as you know, I started to blog, and I began to vomit my true self all over the internet.  But, as some of you say you enjoy it, I've found that to be a good thing.  But there is a safety in the publish button.  None of you have lacked courtesy enough to tell me I suck, and I appreciate that.  But is this true intimacy?

I find I still fear at times.  Like this week.  Someone said something which hurt my feelings.  Now I SHOULD have gone to her and talked with her.  I even half-heartedly tried, but she was gone.  I think she heard though, for later she came and hugged me.  (Thank you, by the way.)  But, if I was truly brave, I would have made sure to address it.  I guess I still have that chance.

And, making new friends.  It seems to be easy for me to express all my thoughts and feelings with written words.  Will I be able to do it face to face?  I want to.  Because I want to be me.  Will I have enough bravery to do it?  I don't know yet.

My friends know I'm authentic - maybe too much so at times.  But life can still scare me.  I want to be brave.

Thankfully, in the words of John Wayne, "Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."

I think this is an important skill to master.  I have come far, to be sure, and I must not shrink back now.  If I am to find a meaningful, lasting relationship with a man in my life...someday...then I must be willing to develop this skill now, before I meet him.  So when he comes, I'll be ready.

And that's what this year is about...becoming ready.  So I don't screw up as badly again.  Hey, it's worth a shot.

Sincerely,
Jennifer