Day 292 - The Storm Before The Calm

I've learned something about myself.

It's so nice to be able to say that.

I learned that many times, when I am facing a new situation, I have a very heightened sense of anxiety.  Maybe that's a polite way of saying it.  Really, I'm terrified.  I sweat.  I don't breathe right.  It's down right crazy.  My concern arises out of the fear of not being able to express myself.  (Yes, I know - insane.)  My body seems to think that when that moment comes, I will freeze, and I won't be able to show my authentic self.  I can spend hours, sometimes days, in this hellish state.  I try to calm it by breathing and telling myself positive things.  It doesn't help much.

Then, finally, that moment comes.

And I am just fine.

I'm sure this fear comes from the many years I spent locked inside myself.  I was afraid of people.  I didn't make eye contact.  I made few friends, and I never asked for help.  I doubted that people would ever understand me.  In Jewel's words, "In silence, I feared my heart would remain unheard inside a separateness of skin."  That was me.

I've come a long way.  Somewhere along the way, probably when I found the place of true surrender, I let go of that fear.  And I reached out.  And I asked for help.  And I spoke.  Quietly at first, then louder with time.

And people heard me.  People listened to me and understood.  Sometimes they even agreed with me.  And that gave me the courage it took to speak some more.

Today, I have a multitude of close, loving relationships.  Friends, who I love, surround me with their care and their love and their support.  A day does not go by without having some sort of meaningful, loving connection with another human being.

So, why do I still experience fear?  I don't know.  I was kind of worried about it.  Until yesterday.  As I was sitting in my car, the thought came, "Oh, this is just the storm before the calm."  Clever, huh?

I may stew in fear for a time.  But when I open my mouth, authenticity pours out.

I love that.

Authenticity has brought meaning and depth to my life that I once wanted so desperately.  Where did this courage come from?  Again, to quote Jewel: "I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul. But now I see what may put to rest my longing.  For I have seen the face of love, the grace of God."

May you have love and depth touch your heart each and every day.

"wanting never to be separate again,
let eternity begin."

Love,
Jennifer