Day 297 - Bravery

Yeah!!!  I made it past the 300 mark!  Only 297 days left to NOT chase a man.  Maybe I'll be so mature by then that I won't even have to.

So, bravery.  I've come a long way in this department.  And I think I still have a long way to go.

I used to be so scared.  All the time.  Fear crippled me.  Hiding was best.  I hid who I was inside and showed instead who I thought others either should see or who they wanted to see.  Hmmm, considering my record, that didn't seem to work out too well.

The last few years have brought about something different.  I learned that women are wonderful, loving people.  I learned that I could share my heart and that they understood.  I was no longer alone.  That in itself brought so much freedom and strength.  I can express my true self now - sometimes a bit emphatically.  Okay, always a bit emphatically, but my friends love me, so it's okay.

Then came the day I met that man.  You know, the perfect one.  I was SOOOO scared.  But my friends encouraged me, and I called him.  (Geez, thanks friends.)  And I went out with him.  And I was myself.  And it was like this brand new amazing door opened before me.  My whole attitude and outlook changed.  I was one hundred percent me.  It brought a new energy and life that I had never experienced before.  I was so happy.

Then, my heart broke.

Now, the whole experience showed me how amazing it is to truly express one's self.  So, as you know, I started to blog, and I began to vomit my true self all over the internet.  But, as some of you say you enjoy it, I've found that to be a good thing.  But there is a safety in the publish button.  None of you have lacked courtesy enough to tell me I suck, and I appreciate that.  But is this true intimacy?

I find I still fear at times.  Like this week.  Someone said something which hurt my feelings.  Now I SHOULD have gone to her and talked with her.  I even half-heartedly tried, but she was gone.  I think she heard though, for later she came and hugged me.  (Thank you, by the way.)  But, if I was truly brave, I would have made sure to address it.  I guess I still have that chance.

And, making new friends.  It seems to be easy for me to express all my thoughts and feelings with written words.  Will I be able to do it face to face?  I want to.  Because I want to be me.  Will I have enough bravery to do it?  I don't know yet.

My friends know I'm authentic - maybe too much so at times.  But life can still scare me.  I want to be brave.

Thankfully, in the words of John Wayne, "Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."

I think this is an important skill to master.  I have come far, to be sure, and I must not shrink back now.  If I am to find a meaningful, lasting relationship with a man in my life...someday...then I must be willing to develop this skill now, before I meet him.  So when he comes, I'll be ready.

And that's what this year is about...becoming ready.  So I don't screw up as badly again.  Hey, it's worth a shot.

Sincerely,
Jennifer