Day 364 - Maybe I Can't Choose My Reaction, but I Can Choose My Response

It started as a beautiful morning.  Smiles on my children's faces as their father came to pick them up for what could be a week long break for me.  Ahhh....a day all to myself.  What should I do with it?  I stayed in my pajamas as long as possible until I had to get cleaned up to meet my friend for coffee.

I was excited to tell her about my idea.  This idea of 365 days without a man.  (364 left, by the way).  I was almost giddy.  And I felt strong and empowered.  She said I was crazy.

Then we talked some more.  We talked for two hours about the possibilities of what could be the most meaningful year of our lives.  A year without drama, at least not self-inflicted drama.  A year of family - the ones we've been blessed with, not the one we don't have.  A year of peace and contentment.  A whole year get to know who we really are and to fall madly and deeply in love with that person, maybe so much so that we'd never make a poor choice in a man again.

Then "HE" emailed.

I swear, I checked my phone, just for a half a second, and BAM!  Right between the (ahem) eyes.  The name I'd been hoping to see for what seems like forever finally popped up on my email.  And I freaked out.

Not a nice little dainty freak out, I mean a full fledged, head on, freak out.  Like stopped breathing and started shaking and paced the coffee shop like a mad woman freaked out.  Immediate crying.  BLECK.

Now, if this isn't a good enough reason to take a year off men, well, then I don't know what is.

I didn't even read the email.  My friend did.  It wasn't worth reading, she said.  It didn't say, I was wrong, you are the woman for me, I love you with all my heart and I'm ready to give it to you for real this time, and I'll never take it away again.  It didn't say anything like that, she told me.  It was basically a thank you card.  A thoughtless, insensitive, cruel thank you card.  We deleted it.  And his email address....again.  From both email accounts...again.

Probably took two more hours for my breathing to return to normal and to stop shaking.  Thirty-nine years old, and I've never experienced this kind of CRAP before...this intense physical response to a person.  It sucks.

So, I took a nap.

I didn't email him back.  I didn't text him.  I didn't drive by his house.  I don't even remember his email adress or phone number.  Score a point for me.

Does he have to know my reaction to his thoughtless note?  Nope.  Never.  You all don't even know him, and those of you who do...I know you'll never tell.

I woke from my nap, feeling refreshed.  I went to meet with a group of friends.  I went to the drug store for eye drops since my beautiful youngest son gave me pink eye.  I came home.  I made soup.  As soon as I post this, I am going to watch Lake House, which I've been wanting to see for what seems like weeks, and when I saw it on sale at Best Buy, I bought it for myself for Christmas.  And tonight, I will watch it.  Because I can.  Because tonight I can do whatever I damn well please, and that means I can choose NOT to respond to someone's insensitivity and I can choose NOT to lamblast his character all over the internet and I can choose NOT to drown my sorrows and I can choose, instead, to love me, to care for me, and to do...the next right thing.

Day 364...almost over.  I won today.  I won the battle I rage against myself at times.  I don't understand why hurtful things happen.  But they do.  And I will recover.  One day at a time.

Sincerely,
Jennifer