Day 361, part 2 - Another Piece of My Heart Back

I apologize.  I know I already wrote today.  But that was at like 2:00 this morning, so surely you'll forgive me for writing more.  Besides, what I found today was too good.  I had to share.

If you haven't yet bought the book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, buy it.  Read it.  Read it.  Read it.  I cannot suggest it strongly enough.  Read it.

These words are hers alone, I take no credit.  Although, I suspect they are not even her words.  God is speaking to her, to me, to you, through these words.  Listen to what they said to me today.

"I AM LEADING YOU along a way that is uniquely right for you.  The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self - the one I designed you to be.  Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people.  However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others.  In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people.

"Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence.  Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion.  Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me."

 - December 30, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, 2004.

That is why I love my God so much.  He knows me.  He loves me.  He has infinite gifts He is just waiting to give me.  If only I will receive.

When my heart broke recently, my faith was almost shattered.  You see, when I found that man, I found a relationship that God was so obviously creating.  And when that man abandoned me, I was lost.  I didn't question him so much (although cynicism has helped to create some blame), but I did question God.  How could God be so obviously working, just to dump me on my...butt.

And where did God GO after all this was over?  What happened to all those little miracles I saw everyday?  Why did He disappear so suddenly?

Now, the realistic part of my brain, or at least the Southern-Baptist-raised part, knew He hadn't gone anywhere.  I knew it was me.  I even knew that my doubt and fear had taken over.  I was choosing not to trust Him.  'Cause trusting Him had hurt me.  Really, really badly.

So, today after reading this - and again hearing His voice so obviously speaking directly to me - I formed a new thought.  Yes, in recent weeks, my heart has been smashed against the rocks.  I have been broken into more pieces than I can count.  Huge chunks of Jennifer lay all around me.

I thought what I was supposed to do when that happened was to gather all those pieces into my arms and bravely get up and keep walking. 

But today, I'm looking at those broken off pieces a little more carefully.  That one there looks an awful lot like Pride.  And this one, appears to be Doubt.  And all those sharp shards over there...yep, Fear.  I see Self-Protection and Self-Sufficiency.  Eww, and that really ugly one seems to resemble Idolatry - putting a human before God.

Hmmm.

So, is this Exhibit B?  More evidence that Jennifer doesn't always know what's best for Jennifer?  But maybe, just maybe, God does?

Did I need to break apart to have some more of those ugly pieces fall away?

Maybe.

I don't get to see the Big Picture.  I only get to see right now.  And I want very badly to do Right Now well.

Thank you, God, for your loving care for me.  Thank you for your perfect Plan for me.  Even when I don't get it.

Sincerely,
Jennifer