I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” | |
 Mary Anne Radmacher Sincerely, Jennifer |
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