You know, it's just been one of those weeks. Started out with an attempted apology to an ex-boyfriend. THAT did not go well. Then I had to euthanize my cat. And to top it all off, my dishwasher has been malfunctioning for about two weeks and had two inches of nasty, rotting water sitting in the bottom of it.
It's been one of those weeks that makes me wonder if I really can handle life after all.
So, I go to craigslist to see if I can find a replacement dishwasher. I find one. It is NOT stainless steel like my current one, but it is $25 dollars. I can handle black for $25 dollars.
I do what needs to be done. I make all the calls. I arrange for a truck. Now, just to see if my son and I can actually lift a dishwasher by ourselves or if I will have to get a man's help.
So, I undo the bolts and pull the old one out. Nasty, smelly water spills all over my floor. I look around me. Life is chaos. There is leftover breakfast disaster all over the kitchen floor and counters. There are chewed couches destroyed by out of control dogs. There is toothpaste all over my carpet from savage children. I just buried my freakin' cat. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
Then, (and I should give credit where credit is due - Thank you, son, and son's stepmother for the suggestion) it occurs to me to actually investigate the problem with the current dishwasher. Within a matter of moments, aided by a crescent wrench, a socket wrench, and my cordless drill, I have located the problem. I disassembled what needed to be disassembled. I cleaned out what needed to be cleaned out. I put the whole damn thing back together all by myself. And it works just fine.
I remember taking an IQ test when I was little. My mother tells me I scored like a 140. I looked that up on the Internet today. 140 is just the cutoff for being labeled a genius.
Now, I do not say all this to proclaim to the world that I am a genius. I am not. In fact, I ascertain that it does NOT take a genius to fix a dishwasher.
It does, however, take patience and a willingness to think through problems. That, I can do. And so can anyone else who is willing to take the time it requires to solve a problem.
Ladies, we are not as incapable as we've been led to believe. We do not need men to solve our problems (as much as they love to do so). I'm not man-bashing here. I'm just saying...we are strong. We are smart. And we have the strength to do what needs to be done.
When the day comes that I am with a man again (only 332 days to go!), it will not be because I need him to solve my problems. It will be because he sees and loves the amazing woman God created me to be, and that I see him as the amazing man God created him to be as well.
Some days, couches get chewed. Some days, cats die. Some days, dishwashers break. But SOME days, I fix my very own dishwasher all by myself.
Life's not that bad, you know?
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Day 333 - Goodbye, Kitty
We (my sons and I) buried our cat today. We've had Kitty for about nine years. She found me one day on our front porch and became a part of our family. She will be missed.
A couple of summers ago, another pet died at our house. But it wasn't mine, it was my ex-boyfriend's. And I didn't have to pick up the body. And I didn't have to decide what to do. Because the dog wasn't mine, it was his.
Today, it was mine. She was very sick. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to take the day off to get her to the vet. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend the money to take her in. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend hundreds of dollars to find out what might be wrong. I had to decide - alone - to let her go.
My oldest son went with me to the vet. He dug the hole to bury her body. Later, I slept most of the afternoon away at my mother's house. She loved me and helped me.
So...I wasn't really alone.
I am reminded again today of how much we need love. The kind of love that is God's love with skin on. We need people to love us. We need gentleness and tenderness. I need gentleness and tenderness. It hasn't been in my cards to find that kind of relationship with a man - at least one that will last. And there are times when even my friends seem far away.
But I'm still never really alone.
Thank you, son, and thank you, mom, for embodying God's love today. I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm glad to not be alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
A couple of summers ago, another pet died at our house. But it wasn't mine, it was my ex-boyfriend's. And I didn't have to pick up the body. And I didn't have to decide what to do. Because the dog wasn't mine, it was his.
Today, it was mine. She was very sick. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to take the day off to get her to the vet. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend the money to take her in. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend hundreds of dollars to find out what might be wrong. I had to decide - alone - to let her go.
My oldest son went with me to the vet. He dug the hole to bury her body. Later, I slept most of the afternoon away at my mother's house. She loved me and helped me.
So...I wasn't really alone.
I am reminded again today of how much we need love. The kind of love that is God's love with skin on. We need people to love us. We need gentleness and tenderness. I need gentleness and tenderness. It hasn't been in my cards to find that kind of relationship with a man - at least one that will last. And there are times when even my friends seem far away.
But I'm still never really alone.
Thank you, son, and thank you, mom, for embodying God's love today. I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm glad to not be alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Day 339 - LIFE
Hanging on my bedroom wall: (Thank you, Mom)
LIFE
Find a passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Eat great food and spend quality time with friends.
Laugh everyday.
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
Learn more.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you admire.
Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.
Love with all your heart.
Never give up.
Do what you love.
Be true to who you are.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
Be grateful.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust in yourself.
Be thankful.
Be nice to everyone.
Be happy.
Live for today.
And above all...
Make every moment count.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
LIFE
Find a passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Eat great food and spend quality time with friends.
Laugh everyday.
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
Learn more.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you admire.
Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.
Love with all your heart.
Never give up.
Do what you love.
Be true to who you are.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
Be grateful.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust in yourself.
Be thankful.
Be nice to everyone.
Be happy.
Live for today.
And above all...
Make every moment count.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Friday, January 20, 2012
Day 340 - It's Time
It's time to let go.
It's time to let love back in.
It's time to slow down.
It's time to embrace what we have.
My children. It's time to embrace them again.
My family. It's time to show them how much they mean to me.
It's time to let life be simple again.
Say "I love you." Mean it.
Find the good. In every moment. Because we only live this life once.
Now is all we get.
God,
Grant me love.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's time to let love back in.
It's time to slow down.
It's time to embrace what we have.
My children. It's time to embrace them again.
My family. It's time to show them how much they mean to me.
It's time to let life be simple again.
Say "I love you." Mean it.
Find the good. In every moment. Because we only live this life once.
Now is all we get.
God,
Grant me love.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Day 341 - Top Twenty Reasons I Love Being Single
20. No toilet seat up.
19. No one nagging me to get my oil changed.
18. No one worried about who I'm talking to on Facebook.
17. No one cheating on me.
16. I can do the laundry whenever I darn well please.
15. No one complaining about spending time with my family.
14. No arguing.
13. No arguing.
12. No arguing.
11. No nasty hairs in the bathroom.
10. No arguing about making - or not making - the bed.
9. No one hogging the covers.
8. I don't have to call and check in...with anyone!
7. No one complaining about how I raise my children.
6. I can work as late as I want and not feel guilty.
5. I can go dancing any time I want.
4. I can dance with who ever I want.
3. I can spend my money as I see fit
2. I can spend as much time with my friends as I want.
...and the Number One reason I love being single is...
1. I love spending time with ME!
And no, I did not have to force myself to write this. I really love being single! I'm sure being a couple has it's plus sides too, but for now...I'm lovin' it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
19. No one nagging me to get my oil changed.
18. No one worried about who I'm talking to on Facebook.
17. No one cheating on me.
16. I can do the laundry whenever I darn well please.
15. No one complaining about spending time with my family.
14. No arguing.
13. No arguing.
12. No arguing.
11. No nasty hairs in the bathroom.
10. No arguing about making - or not making - the bed.
9. No one hogging the covers.
8. I don't have to call and check in...with anyone!
7. No one complaining about how I raise my children.
6. I can work as late as I want and not feel guilty.
5. I can go dancing any time I want.
4. I can dance with who ever I want.
3. I can spend my money as I see fit
2. I can spend as much time with my friends as I want.
...and the Number One reason I love being single is...
1. I love spending time with ME!
And no, I did not have to force myself to write this. I really love being single! I'm sure being a couple has it's plus sides too, but for now...I'm lovin' it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Day 342 - Too Good Not to Share
The days are going so fast I can't even keep track anymore.
This one was so good, I had to share. I did not write it. It is by Vickie M. Worsham as found in Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, published by Blue Mountain Press, Boulder, Colorado.
Believe in Miracles
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
your own potential,
and your innate goodness.
Every morning, wake with the awe
of just being alive.
Each day, discover the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself,
and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
possibilities can be miracles.
Always believe in miracles!
And here I thought I needed a blog to say all that.
This prose exemplifies the real me. Not the me who has been carrying around deep, dark pain, but the me I truly am.
Have I mentioned yet today that I got my soul back?
I would say , "Be careful who you give your heart to," and while that's true, I don't think that was the real lesson for me here. Never give up. That's what I believe I was supposed to learn. I didn't give up on my faith, although it came close. I didn't give up on knowing that God would bring me through.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." That's what it took for me.
I still don't plan on dating for another 342 days. At least, that's my plan. But whatever God's got cooking is alright by me.
Love and peace.
Sincerely, Jennifer
This one was so good, I had to share. I did not write it. It is by Vickie M. Worsham as found in Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, published by Blue Mountain Press, Boulder, Colorado.
Believe in Miracles
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
your own potential,
and your innate goodness.
Every morning, wake with the awe
of just being alive.
Each day, discover the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself,
and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
possibilities can be miracles.
Always believe in miracles!
And here I thought I needed a blog to say all that.
This prose exemplifies the real me. Not the me who has been carrying around deep, dark pain, but the me I truly am.
Have I mentioned yet today that I got my soul back?
I would say , "Be careful who you give your heart to," and while that's true, I don't think that was the real lesson for me here. Never give up. That's what I believe I was supposed to learn. I didn't give up on my faith, although it came close. I didn't give up on knowing that God would bring me through.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." That's what it took for me.
I still don't plan on dating for another 342 days. At least, that's my plan. But whatever God's got cooking is alright by me.
Love and peace.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Day 343 - Freedom
"I am sorry."
The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language. And I got to hear them. And the other person meant them.
And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.
Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes.
Anyway...freedom. I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders. I am free. I can breathe. I can smile and really mean it. You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!" I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.
We hurt each other. We do. It's part of the human condition. But we can also say, "I am sorry."
Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to? Many. Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry? Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them? I hadn't. But now I will.
Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words. Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.
I am sorry.
Three little words. Mean all the freedom in the world. I have my life back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language. And I got to hear them. And the other person meant them.
And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.
Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes.
Anyway...freedom. I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders. I am free. I can breathe. I can smile and really mean it. You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!" I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.
We hurt each other. We do. It's part of the human condition. But we can also say, "I am sorry."
Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to? Many. Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry? Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them? I hadn't. But now I will.
Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words. Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.
I am sorry.
Three little words. Mean all the freedom in the world. I have my life back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 345 - Run, Forrest, Run
Has it already been 20 days since I decided to take a year off from chasing a man? Wow, how time flies.
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 346 - One Moment at a Time
Ahhhh....my blog. Yes, it has been a while since I've posted. I am sorry.
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Day 353 - Humility
Well, it's been 12 days since I decided to take a year off from pursuing a man (thirteen if you count that whole leap year confusion). How do I feel today? Like poo. Again.
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day 358 - The Haunting Continues
Day 359 and 358 have not been great days. Yesterday, day 359 of 365 days without men, should have been a great day. It was Sunday and I got to go to my church. I love my church. It is real, and God is there. I always feel wonderful when I go to church. Except for yesterday.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” | |
 Mary Anne Radmacher Sincerely, Jennifer |
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