Ahhhh....my blog. Yes, it has been a while since I've posted. I am sorry.
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
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