Has it already been 20 days since I decided to take a year off from chasing a man? Wow, how time flies.
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
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