Day 311 - Awakening

You ever wake up from a bad dream to see the sun shining, the birds singing, the air fresh and clean, and the whole world seeming to be smiling on you?  I feel that way.

Has it really been fifty-five days since I decided to spend a year alone?  Technically, that's more than 1/7th of the way done.  Not that I'm counting.  Really.

This last week was the toughest week yet.  I had to face him - the one that broke my heart - on Valentine's Day.  I won't say that I handled it in the most mature and loving manner, because that would be lying.  But I didn't cry, I didn't make a scene, I didn't attack, and I didn't beg.  All things considered, I think I did a pretty good job.

As dramatic as I am, I really hate drama.

I wish he would just disappear from my side of the world.  I wish I'd never met him, or more specifically, that I'd never chosen to call this man out of the blue and ask him to coffee.  I wish I hadn't believed all the wonderful things he said.  I wish I hadn't accepted the dreams of the future he offered.  I wish I hadn't opened my heart so fully and offered it so freely.

Will that stop me the next time?  Doubt it.

Things got pretty dark there for awhile.  And I'm talking even after the two months of intense emotional pain ended.  For the last month or so, it's been one thing after another, and life seemed to be knocking me down at every turn.  And then came the extreme anxiety of having to face him one last time.  Even for an eternal optimist, it was tough to keep going.  I wanted relief.  I wanted life to be easy for a little while.  Giving up on my goals started to sound like a possible alternative.

But I didn't.

Today, I believe I will finish what I set out to do.  I will finish my master's next year.  I will keep my eyes on December 25, 2012, as the day this commitment I made to myself (and all of Facebook) will be complete.  I will end this school year strong and be a wonderful teacher to my students.  And I will do it all with a clear mind and an open heart.

I will never run a marathon.  I just don't want to.  But I get the concept.  This race isn't over yet.  And I will not quit.

Thank you, Father God, for carrying me through the roughest parts.  I know I did not make it alone.

Sincerely,
Jennifer