Day 353 - Humility

Well, it's been 12 days since I decided to take a year off from pursuing a man (thirteen if you count that whole leap year confusion).  How do I feel today?  Like poo.  Again.

It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected.  "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me.  Yeah, I know.  And I'm frustrated.  I'm used to bouncing back.  I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.

So, I just keep moving.  I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts.  I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more.  And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job.  But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.

It's easier on the days the sun is shining.  The sun is not shining yet today.

"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity.  He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received.  "Just function," my pastor says.  Keep moving.  You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.

The purpose of this exile?  To teach the people some humility.

Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working.  Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months.  Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate.  Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it.  Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.

Learning humility is painful.  Really painful.

But God is still loving us through these lessons.

"Softly I announce my Presence.  Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance.  Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you.  The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you.  Let your weakness be a door to My Presence.  Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help.  Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity.  Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven.  The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened.  Heaviness is not of My kingdom.  Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)

So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad.  I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.

I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.

Sincerely,
Jennifer