No, I have not abandoned my post. Just needed some time.
It is weird not having the countdown, though. I didn't mean to, you know. They say, when you stop looking....Guess it's true.
I won't begin to gush about the amazingness of my life right now - I'll save that for another time. But I will say this. Maybe, just maybe...God has given to me the opportunity to have a partner in life - a real partner this time. Someone so much like me, I can't remember life before. Someday, I'll tell you all about it.
For now, I am thinking about grace.
Those of you who know me well enough know my story isn't pretty. It's ugly. So very ugly, I cannot share it here. Sometimes a victim, but always by choice. I tried to run my own life for so very long. It never worked out well. And I did it again and again and again.
So, I have this past - this hideous past. I am so imperfect - if you were to only look at the black and white facts, one could not help but condemn me.
And yet, you see what I have become. God has given me a life. A life of beauty and love and kindness and joy and peace. A life of Grace. I am so undeserving, and yet... His love has saved me.
And I am still so imperfect. That doesn't even accurately describe it. I still carry inside me the brokenness of humanity. I fail. Bad.
Just last night, I became rageful...at one of my children, no less. I said things I shouldn't have said. I became anger and rage and destruction. See...that's still there...that part of me that will never be perfect. I am shown, once again, my brokenness.
But...the shadow proves the Sunshine.
In spite of my detestable brokenness...Love prevails. Grace prevails. God says, "See? Remember? This isn't about you achieving perfection. You never will. This is about Me saving you and completing you and lifting you out of your human condition. Because I love you."
And Love protects my son from his imperfect mother. He still knows love, and he doesn't even consider for a moment that his mother might not love him...because he knows deeply that she does.
A friend, knowing full well my story, even said to me this morning, "I think you're genuinely one of the best people I've ever known."
That's Grace.
Humbled, once again, I receive that Grace with so much appreciation. I so don't deserve it. And yet...it saves me.
May Grace touch you the same as it has touched me. Hopefully...you don't have to do it so ugly.
Love,
Jennifer
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Uhhhhmmmm.....
A friend told me the other day...we make plans, and God laughs.
Hmmmm.
Don't worry (Mom) - I'm not running off to get married. Hell, I refuse to even kiss him.
So, let me start out with honesty.
Technically, I'm still single. Like in all sense of the word. Technically.
Oh, wait. I said honesty.
Hmmmm.
Well...let's say undefined.
I had to be honest with you all. Honesty is such a part of who I am now, and who I want to be. Hiding this was not an option. Knowing how to tell you? Not so easy. But I'm trying.
I'm even protecting my heart a bit. I'm being careful. I'm going slow. In my own defense, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the most amazing potential I've ever seen. Hey, I may be broken, but I'm not stupid enough to let the most amazing person I've ever met slip by just because I chose to try this.
There are lots of great guys out there, someone told me. No there aren't. I know. I've met most of them.
My friend told me I used to be a loser magnet. My friend was right. I didn't deserve better. I had to suffer to make the other person happy, which they never were anyway. I was treated badly. I latched onto people who did not know peace. I created drama for myself, then tried to change the other person to make the drama go away.
I'm not that girl anymore.
Today, I know myself. I like myself. Being myself, alone, is enough. God completes me, not someone else.
And I am strong. I am smart. I can fix dishwashers and bury cats and replace stolen lipsticks. I can love my friends deeply and let them love me back. I can walk with my head held high, knowing I am not making the same stupid choices I once did. I know I am at peace.
And now, maybe there's someone to share that with.
No, I didn't plan on this. However...I said that I was willing, but that God was in control. He still is. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. God will still love me. So will my friends. So will I.
I'm human. So be it.
I still love me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Hmmmm.
Don't worry (Mom) - I'm not running off to get married. Hell, I refuse to even kiss him.
So, let me start out with honesty.
Technically, I'm still single. Like in all sense of the word. Technically.
Oh, wait. I said honesty.
Hmmmm.
Well...let's say undefined.
I had to be honest with you all. Honesty is such a part of who I am now, and who I want to be. Hiding this was not an option. Knowing how to tell you? Not so easy. But I'm trying.
I'm even protecting my heart a bit. I'm being careful. I'm going slow. In my own defense, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the most amazing potential I've ever seen. Hey, I may be broken, but I'm not stupid enough to let the most amazing person I've ever met slip by just because I chose to try this.
There are lots of great guys out there, someone told me. No there aren't. I know. I've met most of them.
My friend told me I used to be a loser magnet. My friend was right. I didn't deserve better. I had to suffer to make the other person happy, which they never were anyway. I was treated badly. I latched onto people who did not know peace. I created drama for myself, then tried to change the other person to make the drama go away.
I'm not that girl anymore.
Today, I know myself. I like myself. Being myself, alone, is enough. God completes me, not someone else.
And I am strong. I am smart. I can fix dishwashers and bury cats and replace stolen lipsticks. I can love my friends deeply and let them love me back. I can walk with my head held high, knowing I am not making the same stupid choices I once did. I know I am at peace.
And now, maybe there's someone to share that with.
No, I didn't plan on this. However...I said that I was willing, but that God was in control. He still is. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. God will still love me. So will my friends. So will I.
I'm human. So be it.
I still love me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 292 - The Storm Before The Calm
I've learned something about myself.
It's so nice to be able to say that.
I learned that many times, when I am facing a new situation, I have a very heightened sense of anxiety. Maybe that's a polite way of saying it. Really, I'm terrified. I sweat. I don't breathe right. It's down right crazy. My concern arises out of the fear of not being able to express myself. (Yes, I know - insane.) My body seems to think that when that moment comes, I will freeze, and I won't be able to show my authentic self. I can spend hours, sometimes days, in this hellish state. I try to calm it by breathing and telling myself positive things. It doesn't help much.
Then, finally, that moment comes.
And I am just fine.
I'm sure this fear comes from the many years I spent locked inside myself. I was afraid of people. I didn't make eye contact. I made few friends, and I never asked for help. I doubted that people would ever understand me. In Jewel's words, "In silence, I feared my heart would remain unheard inside a separateness of skin." That was me.
I've come a long way. Somewhere along the way, probably when I found the place of true surrender, I let go of that fear. And I reached out. And I asked for help. And I spoke. Quietly at first, then louder with time.
And people heard me. People listened to me and understood. Sometimes they even agreed with me. And that gave me the courage it took to speak some more.
Today, I have a multitude of close, loving relationships. Friends, who I love, surround me with their care and their love and their support. A day does not go by without having some sort of meaningful, loving connection with another human being.
So, why do I still experience fear? I don't know. I was kind of worried about it. Until yesterday. As I was sitting in my car, the thought came, "Oh, this is just the storm before the calm." Clever, huh?
I may stew in fear for a time. But when I open my mouth, authenticity pours out.
I love that.
Authenticity has brought meaning and depth to my life that I once wanted so desperately. Where did this courage come from? Again, to quote Jewel: "I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul. But now I see what may put to rest my longing. For I have seen the face of love, the grace of God."
May you have love and depth touch your heart each and every day.
"wanting never to be separate again,
let eternity begin."
Love,
Jennifer
It's so nice to be able to say that.
I learned that many times, when I am facing a new situation, I have a very heightened sense of anxiety. Maybe that's a polite way of saying it. Really, I'm terrified. I sweat. I don't breathe right. It's down right crazy. My concern arises out of the fear of not being able to express myself. (Yes, I know - insane.) My body seems to think that when that moment comes, I will freeze, and I won't be able to show my authentic self. I can spend hours, sometimes days, in this hellish state. I try to calm it by breathing and telling myself positive things. It doesn't help much.
Then, finally, that moment comes.
And I am just fine.
I'm sure this fear comes from the many years I spent locked inside myself. I was afraid of people. I didn't make eye contact. I made few friends, and I never asked for help. I doubted that people would ever understand me. In Jewel's words, "In silence, I feared my heart would remain unheard inside a separateness of skin." That was me.
I've come a long way. Somewhere along the way, probably when I found the place of true surrender, I let go of that fear. And I reached out. And I asked for help. And I spoke. Quietly at first, then louder with time.
And people heard me. People listened to me and understood. Sometimes they even agreed with me. And that gave me the courage it took to speak some more.
Today, I have a multitude of close, loving relationships. Friends, who I love, surround me with their care and their love and their support. A day does not go by without having some sort of meaningful, loving connection with another human being.
So, why do I still experience fear? I don't know. I was kind of worried about it. Until yesterday. As I was sitting in my car, the thought came, "Oh, this is just the storm before the calm." Clever, huh?
I may stew in fear for a time. But when I open my mouth, authenticity pours out.
I love that.
Authenticity has brought meaning and depth to my life that I once wanted so desperately. Where did this courage come from? Again, to quote Jewel: "I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul. But now I see what may put to rest my longing. For I have seen the face of love, the grace of God."
May you have love and depth touch your heart each and every day.
"wanting never to be separate again,
let eternity begin."
Love,
Jennifer
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Day 396 - The Valley "Through"
Psalm 23
New International Version (NIV)
Psalm 23
A psalm of David. 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
My pastor has been doing a series on going through Valleys. I could identify well. I've gone through a valley the last few months. Some days are like that. But today, the sun was shining, and I could actually feel it. And today, in church, I heard Psalm 23 again, just like I did when the journey into the Valley first started, even though I didn't know that was what was happening at the time. It was one of what I call "God moments" - when you know God is speaking directly to it. And finally, I could hear His Voice again.
Now, I know God didn't leave me during the Dark Valley. I know that. But, I couldn't feel the sunlight of the Spirit during those dark days. But I tried, oh how I tried, to just keep doing what I was supposed to do. "Keep functioning," God told the Israelites during their exile into Babylon. I wonder if they felt like I did, like they were going through the dark times, even though God had promised them He would recover them.
Even though that scripture doesn't say "To Jennifer" at the beginning, I took it as mine. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future....When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back." Okay, I was hoping the seventy years part wasn't directed at me, but the rest of it, I took straight to heart.
And another thing my pastor said this morning - that "I will not fear" part. He said it's been translated poorly. What it really means is that when I fear, I will see signs of His Presence - his rod and his staff - and I will be reminded that He is with me, and I will choose to not focus on my fear. That, I can do.
Even though there were days I couldn't see the signs of His Presence very clearly, today I can. And I'm so grateful. Grateful to have been brought through the Dark Valley. Grateful to have not lost all hope. Grateful that He carried me when I could no longer walk.
Will dark days come again? To be sure. Will I walk through those too? You bet. And now I have complete assurance that I will make it through just fine.
I love my God. And He loves me. The Lord is my Shepherd, and I lack nothing.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Day 297 - Bravery
Yeah!!! I made it past the 300 mark! Only 297 days left to NOT chase a man. Maybe I'll be so mature by then that I won't even have to.
So, bravery. I've come a long way in this department. And I think I still have a long way to go.
I used to be so scared. All the time. Fear crippled me. Hiding was best. I hid who I was inside and showed instead who I thought others either should see or who they wanted to see. Hmmm, considering my record, that didn't seem to work out too well.
The last few years have brought about something different. I learned that women are wonderful, loving people. I learned that I could share my heart and that they understood. I was no longer alone. That in itself brought so much freedom and strength. I can express my true self now - sometimes a bit emphatically. Okay, always a bit emphatically, but my friends love me, so it's okay.
Then came the day I met that man. You know, the perfect one. I was SOOOO scared. But my friends encouraged me, and I called him. (Geez, thanks friends.) And I went out with him. And I was myself. And it was like this brand new amazing door opened before me. My whole attitude and outlook changed. I was one hundred percent me. It brought a new energy and life that I had never experienced before. I was so happy.
Then, my heart broke.
Now, the whole experience showed me how amazing it is to truly express one's self. So, as you know, I started to blog, and I began to vomit my true self all over the internet. But, as some of you say you enjoy it, I've found that to be a good thing. But there is a safety in the publish button. None of you have lacked courtesy enough to tell me I suck, and I appreciate that. But is this true intimacy?
I find I still fear at times. Like this week. Someone said something which hurt my feelings. Now I SHOULD have gone to her and talked with her. I even half-heartedly tried, but she was gone. I think she heard though, for later she came and hugged me. (Thank you, by the way.) But, if I was truly brave, I would have made sure to address it. I guess I still have that chance.
And, making new friends. It seems to be easy for me to express all my thoughts and feelings with written words. Will I be able to do it face to face? I want to. Because I want to be me. Will I have enough bravery to do it? I don't know yet.
My friends know I'm authentic - maybe too much so at times. But life can still scare me. I want to be brave.
Thankfully, in the words of John Wayne, "Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."
I think this is an important skill to master. I have come far, to be sure, and I must not shrink back now. If I am to find a meaningful, lasting relationship with a man in my life...someday...then I must be willing to develop this skill now, before I meet him. So when he comes, I'll be ready.
And that's what this year is about...becoming ready. So I don't screw up as badly again. Hey, it's worth a shot.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
So, bravery. I've come a long way in this department. And I think I still have a long way to go.
I used to be so scared. All the time. Fear crippled me. Hiding was best. I hid who I was inside and showed instead who I thought others either should see or who they wanted to see. Hmmm, considering my record, that didn't seem to work out too well.
The last few years have brought about something different. I learned that women are wonderful, loving people. I learned that I could share my heart and that they understood. I was no longer alone. That in itself brought so much freedom and strength. I can express my true self now - sometimes a bit emphatically. Okay, always a bit emphatically, but my friends love me, so it's okay.
Then came the day I met that man. You know, the perfect one. I was SOOOO scared. But my friends encouraged me, and I called him. (Geez, thanks friends.) And I went out with him. And I was myself. And it was like this brand new amazing door opened before me. My whole attitude and outlook changed. I was one hundred percent me. It brought a new energy and life that I had never experienced before. I was so happy.
Then, my heart broke.
Now, the whole experience showed me how amazing it is to truly express one's self. So, as you know, I started to blog, and I began to vomit my true self all over the internet. But, as some of you say you enjoy it, I've found that to be a good thing. But there is a safety in the publish button. None of you have lacked courtesy enough to tell me I suck, and I appreciate that. But is this true intimacy?
I find I still fear at times. Like this week. Someone said something which hurt my feelings. Now I SHOULD have gone to her and talked with her. I even half-heartedly tried, but she was gone. I think she heard though, for later she came and hugged me. (Thank you, by the way.) But, if I was truly brave, I would have made sure to address it. I guess I still have that chance.
And, making new friends. It seems to be easy for me to express all my thoughts and feelings with written words. Will I be able to do it face to face? I want to. Because I want to be me. Will I have enough bravery to do it? I don't know yet.
My friends know I'm authentic - maybe too much so at times. But life can still scare me. I want to be brave.
Thankfully, in the words of John Wayne, "Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."
I think this is an important skill to master. I have come far, to be sure, and I must not shrink back now. If I am to find a meaningful, lasting relationship with a man in my life...someday...then I must be willing to develop this skill now, before I meet him. So when he comes, I'll be ready.
And that's what this year is about...becoming ready. So I don't screw up as badly again. Hey, it's worth a shot.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 302 - My Friends
My friends,
You've made my life tolerable over the last six months. You made me laugh. You held me when I cried. You listened to me rant. You held me when I shook. You were strong when I wasn't, and you applauded me when I was. You heard me, you saw me, you understood me.
L - for taking me back and leaning on me and letting me lean on you.
H - for making forgiveness seem so easy.
K - for being the loving, wise voice that you are. And for being human, just like me.
J - for never giving up.
A - for telling me I am more than good enough.
J - for praying with me.
K - for reading all my blogs.
L - for knowing all our family's funny stories.
M - for being ever supporting.
A - for listening to me, even when you probably didn't want to.
L - for letting me have a second chance to make a first impression.
K - for always bringing a sunny response.
B - for teaching me that it is okay to want the best for me.
K - for teaching me that I can get back up after being knocked down.
J - for being the son every mother would love.
J - even though we've grown apart, I know that you're still there.
K - for being an amazingly strong woman and great role model.
D - for being my dad.
M - for all your gentle hugs.
T - for showing me it's okay to be single.
S - for those amazing hugs.
To all of you, thank you. I love you.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
You've made my life tolerable over the last six months. You made me laugh. You held me when I cried. You listened to me rant. You held me when I shook. You were strong when I wasn't, and you applauded me when I was. You heard me, you saw me, you understood me.
L - for taking me back and leaning on me and letting me lean on you.
H - for making forgiveness seem so easy.
K - for being the loving, wise voice that you are. And for being human, just like me.
J - for never giving up.
A - for telling me I am more than good enough.
J - for praying with me.
K - for reading all my blogs.
L - for knowing all our family's funny stories.
M - for being ever supporting.
A - for listening to me, even when you probably didn't want to.
L - for letting me have a second chance to make a first impression.
K - for always bringing a sunny response.
B - for teaching me that it is okay to want the best for me.
K - for teaching me that I can get back up after being knocked down.
J - for being the son every mother would love.
J - even though we've grown apart, I know that you're still there.
K - for being an amazingly strong woman and great role model.
D - for being my dad.
M - for all your gentle hugs.
T - for showing me it's okay to be single.
S - for those amazing hugs.
To all of you, thank you. I love you.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Day 304 - Not Perfect, But...
I do not make the most perfect choices, but I learn from my mistakes.
I do not have the perfect house, but I have a cozy home.
I do not have a perfect past, but I have a well-lived present.
I do not have the perfect job, but I have a fulfilling job.
I do not have the perfect mind, but I have a sharp mind.
I do not have the perfect face, but I have a pretty face.
I do not have the perfect body, but I have a beautiful body.
I do not have perfect children, but I have happy children.
I do not have perfect friends, but I have wonderful friends.
I do not have the perfect life, but I have an amazling life.
Here's to being happy - not perfect.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
I do not have the perfect house, but I have a cozy home.
I do not have a perfect past, but I have a well-lived present.
I do not have the perfect job, but I have a fulfilling job.
I do not have the perfect mind, but I have a sharp mind.
I do not have the perfect face, but I have a pretty face.
I do not have the perfect body, but I have a beautiful body.
I do not have perfect children, but I have happy children.
I do not have perfect friends, but I have wonderful friends.
I do not have the perfect life, but I have an amazling life.
Here's to being happy - not perfect.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 305 - I've Made It Two Months
Actually, it's been more if you count the last time I actually went out on a date. But still there was the whole drama thing about being friends and all - which ended up being even more heartache. So, we'll just say two months.
I think I've made it through the roughest part. I pray I've made it through the roughest part. As you know, this last month about did me in. The cat, the car, the appliances, VD...it felt like it would never end. But it did.
Which may be why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling now. Like I just want to hop off the drama train for a while. I want no excitement. I want to go somewhere peaceful and quiet. I want to do nothing, to think nothing, to feel nothing...if just for a little while. The world can go on moving without me for a bit if it wants to. I'll jump back in when I'm ready.
It's Friday. I can do anything I want to. And what do I do? I take a nap.
Life seems to be an endless...though not really endless...journey of peaks and valleys. The terrain can be treacherous, especially to one with a tender heart. Most days, I hit the trail with high spirits and a true sense of adventure. Other times, I limp along just praying for relief from the elements.
Today, I rest. Today, I know when I need rest, and I know how to get it. I don't find it in escaping reality - there is no point in that. True rest is found in releasing the pressure I place on myself. For it is not life that places such harsh demands on us - it is us ourselves. I get that today. I know that if I need a break, it is I that am responsible for seeing that I get one.
No one else can make my life tolerable. No one else can make my life enjoyable. No other person is responsible in any way for how I feel. I am.
I am hopeful that this year I am taking will help to solidify that understanding. I am hoping that I will really get it - once and for all - that I am responsible for the quality of my life. I hope I will truly learn that the choices I make in who I have around me are important choices. I hope I do not choose poorly again.
For now, I look around me and see some very beautiful, loving faces. I see my children. I see my family. I see the most amazing friends in the world. And I see me. Those are the people I choose today. And I love them dearly.
Today I choose to rest, I choose to love, and I choose to be at peace. Amen.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
I think I've made it through the roughest part. I pray I've made it through the roughest part. As you know, this last month about did me in. The cat, the car, the appliances, VD...it felt like it would never end. But it did.
Which may be why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling now. Like I just want to hop off the drama train for a while. I want no excitement. I want to go somewhere peaceful and quiet. I want to do nothing, to think nothing, to feel nothing...if just for a little while. The world can go on moving without me for a bit if it wants to. I'll jump back in when I'm ready.
It's Friday. I can do anything I want to. And what do I do? I take a nap.
Life seems to be an endless...though not really endless...journey of peaks and valleys. The terrain can be treacherous, especially to one with a tender heart. Most days, I hit the trail with high spirits and a true sense of adventure. Other times, I limp along just praying for relief from the elements.
Today, I rest. Today, I know when I need rest, and I know how to get it. I don't find it in escaping reality - there is no point in that. True rest is found in releasing the pressure I place on myself. For it is not life that places such harsh demands on us - it is us ourselves. I get that today. I know that if I need a break, it is I that am responsible for seeing that I get one.
No one else can make my life tolerable. No one else can make my life enjoyable. No other person is responsible in any way for how I feel. I am.
I am hopeful that this year I am taking will help to solidify that understanding. I am hoping that I will really get it - once and for all - that I am responsible for the quality of my life. I hope I will truly learn that the choices I make in who I have around me are important choices. I hope I do not choose poorly again.
For now, I look around me and see some very beautiful, loving faces. I see my children. I see my family. I see the most amazing friends in the world. And I see me. Those are the people I choose today. And I love them dearly.
Today I choose to rest, I choose to love, and I choose to be at peace. Amen.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Day 311, Part 2 - This Is What I'm Talking About
Sitting here in Safelite, waiting for my window to be fixed - you know, the one some creep broke out with a crowbar last week - I just got the most awesome text:
C: C_______ got all her blue ribbons on Study Island!!!!!!!!!! (Study Island is something we use to get us ready for the state assessment.)
Ms. Ward: Go sistah! Go sistah! Go sistah! Tell her I am so excited and proud of her!
C: She's the one that texted you!!!!
C: At first, I was like :/ I'm never going to pass. But then I passed and then I was like :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ms. Ward: Yeah, C________! I'm smiling so big! I'm so proud of you!!! That's how it always feels when we try something that used to be hard. But we push on, and we don't give up. Then we win! You're amazing!
C: Thanks for being a great teacher and for being in 3rd grade for us......
Ms. Ward: You're gonna make me cry. I'm so glad God put me right where He did. It's been awesome!
C: Ya, okay, well baiiiiiiiiii :)
I love my life.
Love,
Jennifer
C: C_______ got all her blue ribbons on Study Island!!!!!!!!!! (Study Island is something we use to get us ready for the state assessment.)
Ms. Ward: Go sistah! Go sistah! Go sistah! Tell her I am so excited and proud of her!
C: She's the one that texted you!!!!
C: At first, I was like :/ I'm never going to pass. But then I passed and then I was like :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ms. Ward: Yeah, C________! I'm smiling so big! I'm so proud of you!!! That's how it always feels when we try something that used to be hard. But we push on, and we don't give up. Then we win! You're amazing!
C: Thanks for being a great teacher and for being in 3rd grade for us......
Ms. Ward: You're gonna make me cry. I'm so glad God put me right where He did. It's been awesome!
C: Ya, okay, well baiiiiiiiiii :)
I love my life.
Love,
Jennifer
Day 311 - Awakening
You ever wake up from a bad dream to see the sun shining, the birds singing, the air fresh and clean, and the whole world seeming to be smiling on you? I feel that way.
Has it really been fifty-five days since I decided to spend a year alone? Technically, that's more than 1/7th of the way done. Not that I'm counting. Really.
This last week was the toughest week yet. I had to face him - the one that broke my heart - on Valentine's Day. I won't say that I handled it in the most mature and loving manner, because that would be lying. But I didn't cry, I didn't make a scene, I didn't attack, and I didn't beg. All things considered, I think I did a pretty good job.
As dramatic as I am, I really hate drama.
I wish he would just disappear from my side of the world. I wish I'd never met him, or more specifically, that I'd never chosen to call this man out of the blue and ask him to coffee. I wish I hadn't believed all the wonderful things he said. I wish I hadn't accepted the dreams of the future he offered. I wish I hadn't opened my heart so fully and offered it so freely.
Will that stop me the next time? Doubt it.
Things got pretty dark there for awhile. And I'm talking even after the two months of intense emotional pain ended. For the last month or so, it's been one thing after another, and life seemed to be knocking me down at every turn. And then came the extreme anxiety of having to face him one last time. Even for an eternal optimist, it was tough to keep going. I wanted relief. I wanted life to be easy for a little while. Giving up on my goals started to sound like a possible alternative.
But I didn't.
Today, I believe I will finish what I set out to do. I will finish my master's next year. I will keep my eyes on December 25, 2012, as the day this commitment I made to myself (and all of Facebook) will be complete. I will end this school year strong and be a wonderful teacher to my students. And I will do it all with a clear mind and an open heart.
I will never run a marathon. I just don't want to. But I get the concept. This race isn't over yet. And I will not quit.
Thank you, Father God, for carrying me through the roughest parts. I know I did not make it alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Has it really been fifty-five days since I decided to spend a year alone? Technically, that's more than 1/7th of the way done. Not that I'm counting. Really.
This last week was the toughest week yet. I had to face him - the one that broke my heart - on Valentine's Day. I won't say that I handled it in the most mature and loving manner, because that would be lying. But I didn't cry, I didn't make a scene, I didn't attack, and I didn't beg. All things considered, I think I did a pretty good job.
As dramatic as I am, I really hate drama.
I wish he would just disappear from my side of the world. I wish I'd never met him, or more specifically, that I'd never chosen to call this man out of the blue and ask him to coffee. I wish I hadn't believed all the wonderful things he said. I wish I hadn't accepted the dreams of the future he offered. I wish I hadn't opened my heart so fully and offered it so freely.
Will that stop me the next time? Doubt it.
Things got pretty dark there for awhile. And I'm talking even after the two months of intense emotional pain ended. For the last month or so, it's been one thing after another, and life seemed to be knocking me down at every turn. And then came the extreme anxiety of having to face him one last time. Even for an eternal optimist, it was tough to keep going. I wanted relief. I wanted life to be easy for a little while. Giving up on my goals started to sound like a possible alternative.
But I didn't.
Today, I believe I will finish what I set out to do. I will finish my master's next year. I will keep my eyes on December 25, 2012, as the day this commitment I made to myself (and all of Facebook) will be complete. I will end this school year strong and be a wonderful teacher to my students. And I will do it all with a clear mind and an open heart.
I will never run a marathon. I just don't want to. But I get the concept. This race isn't over yet. And I will not quit.
Thank you, Father God, for carrying me through the roughest parts. I know I did not make it alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Day I Don't Even Care Right Now - WDNNFVD Day
Oh....I just spent an hour laughing my butt off. I had to post.
So, you know what kind of time I've been having lately. Had to put the cat down. Dishwasher went down. Washing machine went down. Car got broken into. Then, to follow up, the alternator in the car went out and had to be replaced, the car wash place would not vacuum the glass out of my car, and now my electric locks do not work and the replacement window won't seal.
And Tuesday is valentine's day. (Note: I chose not to capitalize that.)
Now, I have to work late Tuesday night until 7:30 p.m., after which I must go to class until 10. Oh, and no boy loves me on valentine's day.
However, I must say, I do not have to go to the gastroenterologist on valentine's day, as my also single friend must do. I told her she wins.
It's so bad, there is nothing else one can do but laugh.
So, we've decided to scrap the whole VD idea. Forget it. Who needs it. We don't. It's all a bunch of hooplah anyway. And let's face it, even when we are in a relationship, VD is usually a big let down.
We've decided that each year, on February 15, we will celebrate WDNNFVD Day. I'll let you figure out what that stands for.
Life has been kicking the crap out of me lately. I am reminded again of Churchill's words: "When you're going through hell...keep going."
So, that's what I shall do. I shall go to bed (having eaten an entire bag of cookies and half a jar of spinach dip) and forget this day and the previous 16 ever happened. Then I will somehow face the fact that I must see the man who broke my heart twice...TWICE...this week - including on the actual vd day, and I will figure out how the hell I'm going to get through that. With this attitude I've had lately, chances are that Monday and Tuesday are going to be pure hell.
But then, on Wednesday, I will celebrate the blessed WDNNFVD Day with one of my best friends in the world. And we will laugh our tails off. We might cry too, but then we will laugh some more.
Sometimes life kicks us in the teeth. But don't those missing teeth sure give us something to laugh about?
Oh...and she sent me this. I know it's not Easter, but we both thought it was perfect for where we're at right now. I'm the one on the right.
Since I probably won't have time to post again until later, HAPPY WDNNFVD DAY!
Sincerely,
Jennifer
So, you know what kind of time I've been having lately. Had to put the cat down. Dishwasher went down. Washing machine went down. Car got broken into. Then, to follow up, the alternator in the car went out and had to be replaced, the car wash place would not vacuum the glass out of my car, and now my electric locks do not work and the replacement window won't seal.
And Tuesday is valentine's day. (Note: I chose not to capitalize that.)
Now, I have to work late Tuesday night until 7:30 p.m., after which I must go to class until 10. Oh, and no boy loves me on valentine's day.
However, I must say, I do not have to go to the gastroenterologist on valentine's day, as my also single friend must do. I told her she wins.
It's so bad, there is nothing else one can do but laugh.
So, we've decided to scrap the whole VD idea. Forget it. Who needs it. We don't. It's all a bunch of hooplah anyway. And let's face it, even when we are in a relationship, VD is usually a big let down.
We've decided that each year, on February 15, we will celebrate WDNNFVD Day. I'll let you figure out what that stands for.
Life has been kicking the crap out of me lately. I am reminded again of Churchill's words: "When you're going through hell...keep going."
So, that's what I shall do. I shall go to bed (having eaten an entire bag of cookies and half a jar of spinach dip) and forget this day and the previous 16 ever happened. Then I will somehow face the fact that I must see the man who broke my heart twice...TWICE...this week - including on the actual vd day, and I will figure out how the hell I'm going to get through that. With this attitude I've had lately, chances are that Monday and Tuesday are going to be pure hell.
But then, on Wednesday, I will celebrate the blessed WDNNFVD Day with one of my best friends in the world. And we will laugh our tails off. We might cry too, but then we will laugh some more.
Sometimes life kicks us in the teeth. But don't those missing teeth sure give us something to laugh about?
Oh...and she sent me this. I know it's not Easter, but we both thought it was perfect for where we're at right now. I'm the one on the right.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Day 321 - Cripes
Okay, I'm going to try really hard to not use some really profane profanity in this blog update.
Somebody broke into my car yesterday.
Somebody went to all the trouble of taking a crowbar to my window, smashing chunks of glass all over the interior of my car - including my son's car seat - and grabbing my purse.
Now, I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that they were too STUPID to realize that my wallet and computer were sitting on my passenger side seat and not in my purse. I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that I did not have to cancel credit cards or renew my license. I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that all they really stole were my lipsticks.
Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.
I've been trying very hard to see the blessings. I have received kindness and sympathy and hugs. My mother, bless her soul, is letting me borrow her car (which is WAY nicer than mine - butt warmers and everything) until mine is fixed. I was not physically hurt, my children are healthy, and on and on and on.
Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.
People try to tell me that of course I am angry, I was violated. But I feel like I should feel more grateful. I don't. I feel really pissed off. So pissed off that I just want to call up that guy that broke my heart and tell him he is a f______ a______.
Oh, wait. I guess he has nothing to do with it.
At least today, I can be a little more cognizant of my emotions and respond to them in slightly more healthy ways. I can be angry without taking it out on innocents. I can be frustrated, and I can SAY that I am frustrated without actually demonstrating that I am frustrated. I can choose to make calls I need to make or I can choose to wait until I've calmed down a bit. I have choices in how I behave.
I like to behave well.
I heard someone say today that when we tell God what we want, we don't always get A) what we want. Hell, we may not even get B. But we DO get C, D, E, and F. In other words, I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need.
Right now, I want a man. I want a man who will feel sorry for me and comfort me and take care of all my crap. I want a man who will bury my cat and fix my dishwasher and tape up my broken car window and hug me and love me and tell me I'm beautiful. And I want him to take me to dinner for Valentine's Day.
But, I don't get a man. I get Ms. L and Ms. A and Mr. M who felt sorry for me last night and gave me hugs. I get a son who helped bury the cat. I get ME to fix a dishwasher. I get Mr. R to clean up broken glass from my car and to tape up my broken window. I get my friends Ms. A and Ms. J who tell me I'm still beautiful. I get my mom who tells me how very much she loves me. I'm even wearing a piece of masking tape RIGHT NOW from a very handsome five year old that says, "I HEART U". Okay, it's written backwards, but still...
And, I have a picture in my mind of the most amazing Savior of the world who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me, even when I am being a real poop.
So, I don't get A) what I want the way I want it. But I do get C, D, E, and even F. And it is exactly what I need.
Still hoping for someone to ask me to dinner for Valentines Day. Would that be breaking my own rules? I don't know. I'm sure it's a moot point anyway.
Damn, I want those lipsticks back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Somebody broke into my car yesterday.
Somebody went to all the trouble of taking a crowbar to my window, smashing chunks of glass all over the interior of my car - including my son's car seat - and grabbing my purse.
Now, I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that they were too STUPID to realize that my wallet and computer were sitting on my passenger side seat and not in my purse. I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that I did not have to cancel credit cards or renew my license. I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that all they really stole were my lipsticks.
Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.
I've been trying very hard to see the blessings. I have received kindness and sympathy and hugs. My mother, bless her soul, is letting me borrow her car (which is WAY nicer than mine - butt warmers and everything) until mine is fixed. I was not physically hurt, my children are healthy, and on and on and on.
Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.
People try to tell me that of course I am angry, I was violated. But I feel like I should feel more grateful. I don't. I feel really pissed off. So pissed off that I just want to call up that guy that broke my heart and tell him he is a f______ a______.
Oh, wait. I guess he has nothing to do with it.
At least today, I can be a little more cognizant of my emotions and respond to them in slightly more healthy ways. I can be angry without taking it out on innocents. I can be frustrated, and I can SAY that I am frustrated without actually demonstrating that I am frustrated. I can choose to make calls I need to make or I can choose to wait until I've calmed down a bit. I have choices in how I behave.
I like to behave well.
I heard someone say today that when we tell God what we want, we don't always get A) what we want. Hell, we may not even get B. But we DO get C, D, E, and F. In other words, I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need.
Right now, I want a man. I want a man who will feel sorry for me and comfort me and take care of all my crap. I want a man who will bury my cat and fix my dishwasher and tape up my broken car window and hug me and love me and tell me I'm beautiful. And I want him to take me to dinner for Valentine's Day.
But, I don't get a man. I get Ms. L and Ms. A and Mr. M who felt sorry for me last night and gave me hugs. I get a son who helped bury the cat. I get ME to fix a dishwasher. I get Mr. R to clean up broken glass from my car and to tape up my broken window. I get my friends Ms. A and Ms. J who tell me I'm still beautiful. I get my mom who tells me how very much she loves me. I'm even wearing a piece of masking tape RIGHT NOW from a very handsome five year old that says, "I HEART U". Okay, it's written backwards, but still...
And, I have a picture in my mind of the most amazing Savior of the world who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me, even when I am being a real poop.
So, I don't get A) what I want the way I want it. But I do get C, D, E, and even F. And it is exactly what I need.
Still hoping for someone to ask me to dinner for Valentines Day. Would that be breaking my own rules? I don't know. I'm sure it's a moot point anyway.
Damn, I want those lipsticks back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Day 325 Part 2 - One for the Road
Found this and couldn't help but share:
Make Each Day Shine One Day at a Time
You have a chance to be as happy as any one person has ever been. You have an opportunity to be as proud as anyone you've ever known. You have the potential to make a very special dream come true.
And all you have to do...is recognize the possibilities, the power, and the wonder of...
Today.
It's right here, right now, and it hopes and prays we will do the right thing by recognizing it for the golden opportunity...and the gift...that it is.
Living life a day at a time means living a life that is blessed with awareness, appreciation, and accomplishment. For one day, you can be everything you were meant to be.
For one amazing day...
The weight is lifted. The path is clearer. The goal is attainable. The prayer is heard. The strength is sure. The courage is complete. The belief is steady and sweet and true.
For one remarkable day...
There is a brighter light in your life. The will to walk up the mountain takes you exactly where you want to go. The heart understands what serenity really means. And your hopes and wishes and dreams will not disappear from view.
For one magnificent day...
You can live with an abundance of love and goodness and grace shining inside you..
-- Douglas Pagels
Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, Blue Mountain Press.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Make Each Day Shine One Day at a Time
You have a chance to be as happy as any one person has ever been. You have an opportunity to be as proud as anyone you've ever known. You have the potential to make a very special dream come true.
And all you have to do...is recognize the possibilities, the power, and the wonder of...
Today.
It's right here, right now, and it hopes and prays we will do the right thing by recognizing it for the golden opportunity...and the gift...that it is.
Living life a day at a time means living a life that is blessed with awareness, appreciation, and accomplishment. For one day, you can be everything you were meant to be.
For one amazing day...
The weight is lifted. The path is clearer. The goal is attainable. The prayer is heard. The strength is sure. The courage is complete. The belief is steady and sweet and true.
For one remarkable day...
There is a brighter light in your life. The will to walk up the mountain takes you exactly where you want to go. The heart understands what serenity really means. And your hopes and wishes and dreams will not disappear from view.
For one magnificent day...
You can live with an abundance of love and goodness and grace shining inside you..
-- Douglas Pagels
Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, Blue Mountain Press.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Day 325 - A Happy Life
Well, it's Saturday again. Finally, a chance to breathe.
I woke up at 11:30 today. Actually, that's not quite true. I woke up at 8:30, but decided I wanted to sleep some more. I can do that today. I can choose to take loving care of myself. I've gotten to make that choice a few times lately - taking a day off work to mourn the loss of Kitty, taking another half-day off due to a scheduling mix up. I almost felt guilty for taking the time off. But not quite.
You see, God gives us the opportunity to receive exactly what we need. It may not be exactly how we want it or in the timing we'd expect, but if we are patient and open, we find that we are given exactly what we need.
Most of my life has been spent in frustration over things not being the way I want. Other people don't act the way I want them to. Life circumstances interfere with the peace I seek. Demands on my time get in the way of caring for myself. It often was a daily struggle. I would fight these circumstances hoping to gain peace.
But, that's not quite how this game called Life is meant to be played. We are not meant to fight everyone and everything in order to gain peace. Peace is found in acceptance. And furthermore, we can be grateful as well. Gratitude is found in appreciating the good in every situation, even if it takes a bit to find it.
Peace and gratitude make for a very happy life.
Today, for now anyway, I've stopped fighting. So many things about my life, I've come to accept. I accept that I am a single mother, raising three boys basically on my own. I've accepted that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. I accept that I cannot grade all the papers and be the perfect teacher. I accept that my house is not the cleanest. I accept that I will not always be perfectly prepared for every surprise that comes my way.
This acceptance has freed me to receive and embrace a lot of good things. I embrace the spontaneity of three lively boys. I embrace the individual uniqueness of all my students. I embrace God's perfect timing and allow for things to be happening exactly as they should. I stop to breathe when I get the chance, and jump in and dance along with life when that is what is called for.
I don't have to try to control the world today. And I am so much happier for it.
Life is so much fun when you let it be. Enjoy life.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
I woke up at 11:30 today. Actually, that's not quite true. I woke up at 8:30, but decided I wanted to sleep some more. I can do that today. I can choose to take loving care of myself. I've gotten to make that choice a few times lately - taking a day off work to mourn the loss of Kitty, taking another half-day off due to a scheduling mix up. I almost felt guilty for taking the time off. But not quite.
You see, God gives us the opportunity to receive exactly what we need. It may not be exactly how we want it or in the timing we'd expect, but if we are patient and open, we find that we are given exactly what we need.
Most of my life has been spent in frustration over things not being the way I want. Other people don't act the way I want them to. Life circumstances interfere with the peace I seek. Demands on my time get in the way of caring for myself. It often was a daily struggle. I would fight these circumstances hoping to gain peace.
But, that's not quite how this game called Life is meant to be played. We are not meant to fight everyone and everything in order to gain peace. Peace is found in acceptance. And furthermore, we can be grateful as well. Gratitude is found in appreciating the good in every situation, even if it takes a bit to find it.
Peace and gratitude make for a very happy life.
Today, for now anyway, I've stopped fighting. So many things about my life, I've come to accept. I accept that I am a single mother, raising three boys basically on my own. I've accepted that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. I accept that I cannot grade all the papers and be the perfect teacher. I accept that my house is not the cleanest. I accept that I will not always be perfectly prepared for every surprise that comes my way.
This acceptance has freed me to receive and embrace a lot of good things. I embrace the spontaneity of three lively boys. I embrace the individual uniqueness of all my students. I embrace God's perfect timing and allow for things to be happening exactly as they should. I stop to breathe when I get the chance, and jump in and dance along with life when that is what is called for.
I don't have to try to control the world today. And I am so much happier for it.
Life is so much fun when you let it be. Enjoy life.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Day 332 - Dishwasher Repairwoman
You know, it's just been one of those weeks. Started out with an attempted apology to an ex-boyfriend. THAT did not go well. Then I had to euthanize my cat. And to top it all off, my dishwasher has been malfunctioning for about two weeks and had two inches of nasty, rotting water sitting in the bottom of it.
It's been one of those weeks that makes me wonder if I really can handle life after all.
So, I go to craigslist to see if I can find a replacement dishwasher. I find one. It is NOT stainless steel like my current one, but it is $25 dollars. I can handle black for $25 dollars.
I do what needs to be done. I make all the calls. I arrange for a truck. Now, just to see if my son and I can actually lift a dishwasher by ourselves or if I will have to get a man's help.
So, I undo the bolts and pull the old one out. Nasty, smelly water spills all over my floor. I look around me. Life is chaos. There is leftover breakfast disaster all over the kitchen floor and counters. There are chewed couches destroyed by out of control dogs. There is toothpaste all over my carpet from savage children. I just buried my freakin' cat. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
Then, (and I should give credit where credit is due - Thank you, son, and son's stepmother for the suggestion) it occurs to me to actually investigate the problem with the current dishwasher. Within a matter of moments, aided by a crescent wrench, a socket wrench, and my cordless drill, I have located the problem. I disassembled what needed to be disassembled. I cleaned out what needed to be cleaned out. I put the whole damn thing back together all by myself. And it works just fine.
I remember taking an IQ test when I was little. My mother tells me I scored like a 140. I looked that up on the Internet today. 140 is just the cutoff for being labeled a genius.
Now, I do not say all this to proclaim to the world that I am a genius. I am not. In fact, I ascertain that it does NOT take a genius to fix a dishwasher.
It does, however, take patience and a willingness to think through problems. That, I can do. And so can anyone else who is willing to take the time it requires to solve a problem.
Ladies, we are not as incapable as we've been led to believe. We do not need men to solve our problems (as much as they love to do so). I'm not man-bashing here. I'm just saying...we are strong. We are smart. And we have the strength to do what needs to be done.
When the day comes that I am with a man again (only 332 days to go!), it will not be because I need him to solve my problems. It will be because he sees and loves the amazing woman God created me to be, and that I see him as the amazing man God created him to be as well.
Some days, couches get chewed. Some days, cats die. Some days, dishwashers break. But SOME days, I fix my very own dishwasher all by myself.
Life's not that bad, you know?
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's been one of those weeks that makes me wonder if I really can handle life after all.
So, I go to craigslist to see if I can find a replacement dishwasher. I find one. It is NOT stainless steel like my current one, but it is $25 dollars. I can handle black for $25 dollars.
I do what needs to be done. I make all the calls. I arrange for a truck. Now, just to see if my son and I can actually lift a dishwasher by ourselves or if I will have to get a man's help.
So, I undo the bolts and pull the old one out. Nasty, smelly water spills all over my floor. I look around me. Life is chaos. There is leftover breakfast disaster all over the kitchen floor and counters. There are chewed couches destroyed by out of control dogs. There is toothpaste all over my carpet from savage children. I just buried my freakin' cat. IT'S NOT WORTH IT!
Then, (and I should give credit where credit is due - Thank you, son, and son's stepmother for the suggestion) it occurs to me to actually investigate the problem with the current dishwasher. Within a matter of moments, aided by a crescent wrench, a socket wrench, and my cordless drill, I have located the problem. I disassembled what needed to be disassembled. I cleaned out what needed to be cleaned out. I put the whole damn thing back together all by myself. And it works just fine.
I remember taking an IQ test when I was little. My mother tells me I scored like a 140. I looked that up on the Internet today. 140 is just the cutoff for being labeled a genius.
Now, I do not say all this to proclaim to the world that I am a genius. I am not. In fact, I ascertain that it does NOT take a genius to fix a dishwasher.
It does, however, take patience and a willingness to think through problems. That, I can do. And so can anyone else who is willing to take the time it requires to solve a problem.
Ladies, we are not as incapable as we've been led to believe. We do not need men to solve our problems (as much as they love to do so). I'm not man-bashing here. I'm just saying...we are strong. We are smart. And we have the strength to do what needs to be done.
When the day comes that I am with a man again (only 332 days to go!), it will not be because I need him to solve my problems. It will be because he sees and loves the amazing woman God created me to be, and that I see him as the amazing man God created him to be as well.
Some days, couches get chewed. Some days, cats die. Some days, dishwashers break. But SOME days, I fix my very own dishwasher all by myself.
Life's not that bad, you know?
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Friday, January 27, 2012
Day 333 - Goodbye, Kitty
We (my sons and I) buried our cat today. We've had Kitty for about nine years. She found me one day on our front porch and became a part of our family. She will be missed.
A couple of summers ago, another pet died at our house. But it wasn't mine, it was my ex-boyfriend's. And I didn't have to pick up the body. And I didn't have to decide what to do. Because the dog wasn't mine, it was his.
Today, it was mine. She was very sick. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to take the day off to get her to the vet. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend the money to take her in. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend hundreds of dollars to find out what might be wrong. I had to decide - alone - to let her go.
My oldest son went with me to the vet. He dug the hole to bury her body. Later, I slept most of the afternoon away at my mother's house. She loved me and helped me.
So...I wasn't really alone.
I am reminded again today of how much we need love. The kind of love that is God's love with skin on. We need people to love us. We need gentleness and tenderness. I need gentleness and tenderness. It hasn't been in my cards to find that kind of relationship with a man - at least one that will last. And there are times when even my friends seem far away.
But I'm still never really alone.
Thank you, son, and thank you, mom, for embodying God's love today. I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm glad to not be alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
A couple of summers ago, another pet died at our house. But it wasn't mine, it was my ex-boyfriend's. And I didn't have to pick up the body. And I didn't have to decide what to do. Because the dog wasn't mine, it was his.
Today, it was mine. She was very sick. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to take the day off to get her to the vet. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend the money to take her in. I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend hundreds of dollars to find out what might be wrong. I had to decide - alone - to let her go.
My oldest son went with me to the vet. He dug the hole to bury her body. Later, I slept most of the afternoon away at my mother's house. She loved me and helped me.
So...I wasn't really alone.
I am reminded again today of how much we need love. The kind of love that is God's love with skin on. We need people to love us. We need gentleness and tenderness. I need gentleness and tenderness. It hasn't been in my cards to find that kind of relationship with a man - at least one that will last. And there are times when even my friends seem far away.
But I'm still never really alone.
Thank you, son, and thank you, mom, for embodying God's love today. I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm glad to not be alone.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Day 339 - LIFE
Hanging on my bedroom wall: (Thank you, Mom)
LIFE
Find a passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Eat great food and spend quality time with friends.
Laugh everyday.
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
Learn more.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you admire.
Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.
Love with all your heart.
Never give up.
Do what you love.
Be true to who you are.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
Be grateful.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust in yourself.
Be thankful.
Be nice to everyone.
Be happy.
Live for today.
And above all...
Make every moment count.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
LIFE
Find a passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Eat great food and spend quality time with friends.
Laugh everyday.
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
Learn more.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you admire.
Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.
Love with all your heart.
Never give up.
Do what you love.
Be true to who you are.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
Be grateful.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust in yourself.
Be thankful.
Be nice to everyone.
Be happy.
Live for today.
And above all...
Make every moment count.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Friday, January 20, 2012
Day 340 - It's Time
It's time to let go.
It's time to let love back in.
It's time to slow down.
It's time to embrace what we have.
My children. It's time to embrace them again.
My family. It's time to show them how much they mean to me.
It's time to let life be simple again.
Say "I love you." Mean it.
Find the good. In every moment. Because we only live this life once.
Now is all we get.
God,
Grant me love.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's time to let love back in.
It's time to slow down.
It's time to embrace what we have.
My children. It's time to embrace them again.
My family. It's time to show them how much they mean to me.
It's time to let life be simple again.
Say "I love you." Mean it.
Find the good. In every moment. Because we only live this life once.
Now is all we get.
God,
Grant me love.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Day 341 - Top Twenty Reasons I Love Being Single
20. No toilet seat up.
19. No one nagging me to get my oil changed.
18. No one worried about who I'm talking to on Facebook.
17. No one cheating on me.
16. I can do the laundry whenever I darn well please.
15. No one complaining about spending time with my family.
14. No arguing.
13. No arguing.
12. No arguing.
11. No nasty hairs in the bathroom.
10. No arguing about making - or not making - the bed.
9. No one hogging the covers.
8. I don't have to call and check in...with anyone!
7. No one complaining about how I raise my children.
6. I can work as late as I want and not feel guilty.
5. I can go dancing any time I want.
4. I can dance with who ever I want.
3. I can spend my money as I see fit
2. I can spend as much time with my friends as I want.
...and the Number One reason I love being single is...
1. I love spending time with ME!
And no, I did not have to force myself to write this. I really love being single! I'm sure being a couple has it's plus sides too, but for now...I'm lovin' it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
19. No one nagging me to get my oil changed.
18. No one worried about who I'm talking to on Facebook.
17. No one cheating on me.
16. I can do the laundry whenever I darn well please.
15. No one complaining about spending time with my family.
14. No arguing.
13. No arguing.
12. No arguing.
11. No nasty hairs in the bathroom.
10. No arguing about making - or not making - the bed.
9. No one hogging the covers.
8. I don't have to call and check in...with anyone!
7. No one complaining about how I raise my children.
6. I can work as late as I want and not feel guilty.
5. I can go dancing any time I want.
4. I can dance with who ever I want.
3. I can spend my money as I see fit
2. I can spend as much time with my friends as I want.
...and the Number One reason I love being single is...
1. I love spending time with ME!
And no, I did not have to force myself to write this. I really love being single! I'm sure being a couple has it's plus sides too, but for now...I'm lovin' it.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Day 342 - Too Good Not to Share
The days are going so fast I can't even keep track anymore.
This one was so good, I had to share. I did not write it. It is by Vickie M. Worsham as found in Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, published by Blue Mountain Press, Boulder, Colorado.
Believe in Miracles
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
your own potential,
and your innate goodness.
Every morning, wake with the awe
of just being alive.
Each day, discover the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself,
and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
possibilities can be miracles.
Always believe in miracles!
And here I thought I needed a blog to say all that.
This prose exemplifies the real me. Not the me who has been carrying around deep, dark pain, but the me I truly am.
Have I mentioned yet today that I got my soul back?
I would say , "Be careful who you give your heart to," and while that's true, I don't think that was the real lesson for me here. Never give up. That's what I believe I was supposed to learn. I didn't give up on my faith, although it came close. I didn't give up on knowing that God would bring me through.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." That's what it took for me.
I still don't plan on dating for another 342 days. At least, that's my plan. But whatever God's got cooking is alright by me.
Love and peace.
Sincerely, Jennifer
This one was so good, I had to share. I did not write it. It is by Vickie M. Worsham as found in Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, published by Blue Mountain Press, Boulder, Colorado.
Believe in Miracles
Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
your own potential,
and your innate goodness.
Every morning, wake with the awe
of just being alive.
Each day, discover the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself,
and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
possibilities can be miracles.
Always believe in miracles!
And here I thought I needed a blog to say all that.
This prose exemplifies the real me. Not the me who has been carrying around deep, dark pain, but the me I truly am.
Have I mentioned yet today that I got my soul back?
I would say , "Be careful who you give your heart to," and while that's true, I don't think that was the real lesson for me here. Never give up. That's what I believe I was supposed to learn. I didn't give up on my faith, although it came close. I didn't give up on knowing that God would bring me through.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going." That's what it took for me.
I still don't plan on dating for another 342 days. At least, that's my plan. But whatever God's got cooking is alright by me.
Love and peace.
Sincerely, Jennifer
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Day 343 - Freedom
"I am sorry."
The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language. And I got to hear them. And the other person meant them.
And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.
Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes.
Anyway...freedom. I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders. I am free. I can breathe. I can smile and really mean it. You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!" I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.
We hurt each other. We do. It's part of the human condition. But we can also say, "I am sorry."
Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to? Many. Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry? Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them? I hadn't. But now I will.
Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words. Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.
I am sorry.
Three little words. Mean all the freedom in the world. I have my life back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language. And I got to hear them. And the other person meant them.
And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.
Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes.
Anyway...freedom. I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders. I am free. I can breathe. I can smile and really mean it. You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!" I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.
We hurt each other. We do. It's part of the human condition. But we can also say, "I am sorry."
Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to? Many. Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry? Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them? I hadn't. But now I will.
Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words. Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.
I am sorry.
Three little words. Mean all the freedom in the world. I have my life back.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 345 - Run, Forrest, Run
Has it already been 20 days since I decided to take a year off from chasing a man? Wow, how time flies.
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately." Hmmm. Sad.
Here's my latest question: Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him? He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it. Yet he never tired of lovng her. He never gave up on her. He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart. He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.
I want to be like Forrest.
He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity. I handle it with anxiety and fear. He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side. Some days, I just hide in my room. Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?
Oh, yeah. It was a movie.
I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine. In fact, I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship. There was one person on there who said it's been four years! I guess I can be glad I'm not her.
I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties. Except the way I handled it was quite different. I would search for him - especially in clubs. Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else. I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy. Pathetic.
Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different. I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man. I look for relief in God. And little by little, He is helping.
I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow. Whatever will I say? What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?
I guess I want some healing. Who am I kidding? I want forever. I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return. Except, it wasn't unending love, remember? And so, I choose to want healing instead.
Healing....what does it look like? Kindness. Humility. No blame or attacks. Forgiveness.
Sounds like a job for Superman.
Should I be smart and run away from this encounter? Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure? I guess I won't know until the time comes. And I'm okay with that today. No expectations. Just hope that healing can occur. And if it doesn't, what have I lost? Nothing.
Still just wading through life, one step at a time.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Day 346 - One Moment at a Time
Ahhhh....my blog. Yes, it has been a while since I've posted. I am sorry.
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
A couple of excuses.
One, I went back to work. Christmas break ended. I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am. There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me. So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart. When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that. So, here I am.
Secondly, I got another email this week. I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart. This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.
How the hell do you say no to that?
This is how. You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way. Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith. I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own. "I give up," I told God. And He met me there.
I pray for healing every day. I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart. I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.
Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back. I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect. But later, he responded with more openness. Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds? I don't know. I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.
The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being. This is about me and God. I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him. But we are not God. We are human. Only God is God. Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to. He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.
Healing is happening. Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.
God is in control. And today I trust Him again. Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Day 353 - Humility
Well, it's been 12 days since I decided to take a year off from pursuing a man (thirteen if you count that whole leap year confusion). How do I feel today? Like poo. Again.
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected. "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me. Yeah, I know. And I'm frustrated. I'm used to bouncing back. I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.
So, I just keep moving. I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts. I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more. And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job. But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.
It's easier on the days the sun is shining. The sun is not shining yet today.
"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity. He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received. "Just function," my pastor says. Keep moving. You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.
The purpose of this exile? To teach the people some humility.
Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working. Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months. Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate. Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it. Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.
Learning humility is painful. Really painful.
But God is still loving us through these lessons.
"Softly I announce my Presence. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance. Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you. The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you. Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help. Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)
So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad. I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.
I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Monday, January 2, 2012
Day 358 - The Haunting Continues
Day 359 and 358 have not been great days. Yesterday, day 359 of 365 days without men, should have been a great day. It was Sunday and I got to go to my church. I love my church. It is real, and God is there. I always feel wonderful when I go to church. Except for yesterday.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one. This was one of those weeks. I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began. I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.
Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?
Now, it's a really big church. And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact. That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.
I began to have a panic attack. For no real reason at all. I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back. It felt like I was going to explode.
And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.
Not a word was said between us. He may not have even noticed I was there. Why, oh why, must I feel this way?
My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?" Great question.
I guess it is my feelings. As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt. And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling. And I'm terrified. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. I want my brain to stop thinking of him. And I can't understand why it doesn't.
I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how. It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been. It's just this constant state of loss. I don't have him. I never will. I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on. But the revelation hasn't come.
You all know I am trying to move on. You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience. You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.
When will my heart stop hurting?
So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either. But here's the thing. In another hour, day 358 will be history. There is an end to today's suffering. Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.
Some days, we feel sad. Some days, we feel lonely. Some days, we feel broken.
But today is almost over.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” | |
 Mary Anne Radmacher Sincerely, Jennifer |
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